Dimed Light Ahead

Im not even sure how all this works, I don't even know why I am doing this. Its just that I have never had some one to ever talk to and quite frankly I don't think I ever will get the chance to. I have never spoke to any one about my issues and as i write this my heart is racing to what people think (stupid I know). Don't get me wrong my life is alright its just me that doesn't fit. Sure my parents fight and they don't like me but I could deal with that I guess. College is killing me and failing is something I don't know I could even handle on a regular basis although according to family and some friends I do. I just joined all this so that i can relieve all this guilt and pain. Yes im not a normal kid but who is these days. Alcohol seems to be my best friend when times are tough which is becoming scary on its own. I do have friends although they are the type that I couldn't tell my problems to because they expect me to only listen. I wish I was perfect so that I would get a chance to feel happy once in a while like most people. I will most like write more stuff just to get some hope in me whether people read it or not.

It all started when I was 16, school was becoming increasingly difficult and the friends I had started to leave me because of what I was becoming. I wasn't the one to wear the black clothing or walk around saying i hate my life but I guess when you suffer from depression it becomes hard to hide. The girl I had cheated on me which was the clincher to my spiral. Teachers began to call my parents and well my dad was not happy about what I had become and walked away when the doctors said I was suffering from depression. A couple of months later lying to everyone how I was alright my mum walked into my room when i was covered in blood. Im scared to even write this in fear of being found out, and that says some thing about my parents. Im not scared of dying and im not scared of feeling the pain and life slipping away, im just scared of myself. As cliche as all this seems im scared. I do care what people think and that is stopping me from getting any help. Call me watever you want but im just lonely in a time of need. Im always there for other people but when its me who is in need i only have a mirror to turn to.

The sad thing is that im not fat, im not ugly (so people say) and im athletic. So you are probly thinking what is this kid complaining about, but I have kept this so small just so that i can let enough pressure of my chest so I can breathe. I was in love for the last time a little over a week ago and the girl told me that she felt the same so I was so happy as I thought that this could change my life. So I called her only to find out that she was lying and she was using me. I actually laughed at myself and thought 'what do u expect'.

I've tried the whole God thing but I think He gave up on me a long time ago. I've been to specialist but I got so angry I couldn't take it because all the arse could do was tell me to get over myself. Being labelled suicidal is something I didn't know how to handle.

One year later, I thought I was getting better but all changed when I found out my friend had committed suicide and the note she left was saying everything I've tried to say so maybe that might be the only way some one will ever listen to me. People could tell me its going to get better but im 19 and even thought its young I've had to deal with more than the average 19 year old and I have never had anyone to turn to. Ive experienced 12 friends and family dying of which 3 were from suicide which made me see how easy it was to do. Experienced friends and family being diagnosed with cancer, depression and terminal illnesses that even a normal person couldn't cope with. So I know that its not going to get better I understand reality or maybe its just some form of karma taking it out on me. But I do have some comfort in me knowing that I could make it. That I could end up living (not happily but living no doubt). Another year later and to this date im still in the same mindset. Ive have just experience a flood and i nearly just let go and wash away my pain but my friend grabbed my arm. Which opened my eyes, though I told him i slipped.

Im still unsure of what happens from now and I dont know what to do. I wanted to join something like this not only to try and relieve some stress but also read those who are going through something similar to put my mind at ease knowing that im not alone even though I don't know all of you. Im not a selfish person and I help all those around me however, how would someone expect me to feel when i only listen to other peoples problems. I want to write more but I don't want to seem like the person who just complains all the time. Also my childhood and life so far has taught me not to do it as it just got me deeper into all this. I don't know if anyone is going to read this but oh well, Im off now feeling even shittier than when I started to write this and I thought you were supposed to feel better after telling what is on your mind.

I've written poems and stories, some bringing tears to the eyes of others and that is something that makes me happy. But finding someone to share with is something that is hard to find.

As i sit and watch the sky turn from blue to black,
As i sit and watch the sun set and the moon rise,
I watch and wait as my life passes by,
just as the sun says goodbye,
what to do next is anyone's best bet.
With words that are spoken and the thoughts that come to mind,
just as the tongue twist words,
just as the eyes see hallucinations,
the good is there but seems to be out of reach.

 

Hi distress

Firstly, welcome to SF. I hope you find the support and kindness that you need and deserve here.

I know how hard it is to have no one to talk to, to feel so alone, and to hurt. It's awful. But you can talk to us. I know it isn't the same thing, but no one will judge you here. People will only try and support you and care. It's frightening baring your soul to people, I understand that, but i hope it will be worth it. No one here is going to call names, or laugh at you, or thinnk badly of you, you have as much right as anyone else to be listened to, and respected.

It sounds as if you have been through a lot in your life. I'm sorry to hear that. But it goes to show just how strong you are, even if you don't see that within yourself. The fact that you have come through it all, and you are still here today, that proves how strong and courageous you actually are. Losing friends and family is always heartbreaking, and one of the worst things imaginable to happen to someone. You are bound to be struggling because of this, and because of everything else you have gone through.

I know you strongly believe things will never get better, and I understand why you think that, but sometimes you need to seek to change things, else they will stay the same. Try different ways to make your life better, to make you feel better, and just maybe other things will start falling into place. It's not easy, not at all, but isn't it better than feeling like this all the time? And now you havefound this forum you can be supported while doing so.

It's embarassing to admit to people you aren't coping, I get that, but in order to receive any support, people need to know that you need support in the first place. Would you please consider going to your doctor? Explaining just what is going on for you? Medication is a possibility, and although it doesn't work for everyone, it does for the majority of people. Just something to give you a lift to give you the motivation to look at ways in which your life can be improved. Also, have you ever thought about therapy to work through these emotions, and talk about the past? What you have been through is traumatic, and anyone in your position would need some extra support to work through it.

You are bound to feel frightened, these thoughts, these emotions are scary in itself. Let alone when you worry about what everyone will think of you, what they will say, how they will react. It's natural to feel the way you are feeling now. But as I said, you are safe here. You won't be judged with anything but compassion. Please keep fighting. Keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you.

Take care :hug:

 

Thank you lostbutnotfound,
I really appreiciate you taking the time to read my story.
What I didn't include was that I was on medication for about 4 to 5 months although it really wasn't working, I have been to see doctors but the scrutiny they put me under made me feel like i was freak and an outcast, and one of the doctors at one stage thought i was trying to get attention for myself.
I was a little worried what would happen with me saying all this and i guess you cant blame me for it. I guess this is my little piece of paradise, where i can spill my emotions over this and not feel ashamed.

 

Hi you no noone will judge you here We all get it and understand The doctor you went to god i like just scream at these guys that don't seem to hear your pain. Meds do help im sorry the first one did not seem to but there are newer meds out there now that do help it takes a good 6 weeks for them to kick in but they do help hun. It take time to find a good doctor one that does see and hear and u nderstand. I am glad you are here you can pm me anytime okay i get it i do. Hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles: