Dirty Money

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 2, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I wasn't sure if this should go into the rape and abuse forum rather... but this wasn't rape...

    My 'ex'... he forced me into prostitution, I think it was 2 years ago (I've been in so much mess my timeline is messed up)... I was very low on cash, just like I am now... and he managed to persuade me into it. I didn't want to, but he kept pressing me into it.
    One of his strong arguments was that with the money I earned I could buy that ticket to see my favourite actor and idol in a play in London. The same actor who saved my life and helped me survive my chronic pains before I got on pain relief...

    I went to London in August, stayed for 3 nights in a cheap hotel... and I had a magical time at the theater watching my favourite actor on stage, from 2nd row... even getting his spit in my eye and I'm convinced he pointed a gun at me at a point!

    But I have to admit, sitting down waiting for the curtain to rise I was filled with a guilty and dirty feeling. I knew this actor would be horrified if he learned what I had to do just to sit there for 3 and half hour...

    I felt a need to use all the money I had left from 'that part of my life' and when I came home from London I had enough left to buy a DVD, yes, with the same actor... the DVD wouldn't be released before January 11th this year, but I pre-ordered it in August...

    It so happened that the DVD got lost in the mail and I'm getting the money back... I am of course going to re-order the DVD... but even the thought of that dirty cash making it back to my account makes me feel sick.

    I am trying to channel my anger towards that I really, really want that DVD too... just so people around me can understand why I'm so upset about something so minor to them.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one has that power to force you into doing something you do not feel comfortable You chose to do something you can chose to stop now and not do it again and your hsb suggest it again then time to find a new partner to share your life with
     
    2 people like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I never want to go back to that... not if I can help it.

    I'm with anther man now, a good guy. I had my last 'client' a week after I met my boyfriend 18 months ago and it just felt so much worse than before...
    My boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend then... not officially... and it took him a lot of 'asking' before I finally understood that we were in a relationship. But yeah, it still felt even more wrong while I knew him... and was trying to escape my abusive 'ex'...

    I just... I don't want anything to do with this filthy cash... But I 'need' the DVD in my life...

    I still can't believe what I got myself into... but my 'ex' was very persuasive I guess... I was so scared of him, and I was too tired to struggle with him. It had always been a BDSM thing with him, but he went too far... he broke me down and stepped over every boundary. When my boyfriend found me I was so broken. I didn't even feel like a human being anymore.