disappearing act

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by iwanttodisappear, Apr 9, 2013.

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  1. iwanttodisappear

    iwanttodisappear New Member

    I used to believe that suicide was perhaps the worst mistake one could make. Now I'm thinking differently. I think sometimes it may be justifiable or even wise.

    For most people, I don't believe that is the case. I lost a best friend to suicide five years ago. I still wish she hadn't done it. It left her family and friends trying in vain to understand why, and I still miss her.

    In my case, there wouldn't be anyone left behind. I know people like to say that because they don't want to admit their selfishness. For me, however, it's true. I have no friends or family to speak of. I'm completely alone. What little friends I've had have eventually gone their separate ways. I used to feel the pain of rejection. Now I actually prefer the steady predictable stung of solitude because I've realized I don't need friends like the ones I've had. All my friends have either taken advantage of my generosity (and really fear of being alone), kept score, or abandoned me when I needed help with even the simplest of things.

    I have a decent job but otherwise the worst luck seemingly possible. I'm always broke, always struggling to keep up with bills. My car is always broken or in the shop. I'm always bumming rides or taking the bus to work or walking the four miles each way.

    I have a roommate. We met at work. Sometimes he gives me rides. We don't really hang out at all like we did at first. He isn't often home. Most of the time I'm here at the apartment taking care of my cat and his largely neglected Jack Russell terrorizer. He gave me a ride home last night from work. I asked him if he could front me three dollars worth of ramen so I don't go hungry until Friday when I get paid. He said no and complained that I'm "too needy". So I asked him to pull over the car and he dropped me off in the middle of the road and I walked the rest of the way home in the dark by myself at 1 am.

    And he knew the reason I was broke. A few nights ago, I bought alcohol for another friend and went to hang out with her at her house. I got pretty buzzed. She got quite ripped. I told her I had just bought tickets for a concert to see an artist we both like. She talked me into using my debit card to get her a ticket too. She reassured me she was good for it, that she would pay me back in cash the next day. Next day came and I found out she was full of shit, just your typical alcoholic, and while she may have intended to pay me back, she didn't actually have the money. So I canceled the ticket. I'm currently waiting the x amount of days for the money to go back to my card.

    My birthday is this Friday. I will be 31 years old. My mom died in front of my eyes six years ago on my birthday. Well, technically the death certificate reads exactly two weeks later because that's when we pulled the plug. But it doesn't change the fact I saw her die. And I was "freed". I no longer had to take care of here. So I moved.

    I moved clear across country, with my best friend of the time, the one who later killed herself. I started a new life here. I came into my own here, but at this point things haven't gotten better. Only worse.

    I have lost touch with my family. My dad is in a nursing home. I've lost most of my older relatives. I know he will be gone someday soon too. My brother is married, both to his wide and his job. I talk to my brother occasionally on Facebook. We haven't talked at all on the phone in a over a year, maybe two. I've lost track. I haven't seen any of my family in a long time. When I first moved out here, I asked him for a little bit of help. He declined it even though he could more than afford it on his salary. It was then I realized where I stood and I've never asked him for a thing since. I also stopped talking to him because I felt he judged me and never cared about my feelings.

    My next best friend who I met less than a year after the old one passed has often been the light in my world of darkness. We've both been there for each other in every way possible since day one. There was a time we always had each other's back no matter what. We were sisters, roommates, the kind of friends epics of old have been written about. Her children were the first children I got to know since I being a child myself, and I love them always. But life has way of changing everything. Her and I are so different. We fought a lot. Too much. I don't agree with her newfound religion and I think her "husband" (who was never legally divorced from his first wife and mother of his children, married in a different country) is a huge idiot. Maybe at times I've been an intolerant asshole. It's possible I've even tried to control aspects of her life, due to the lack of control I seemingly have over my own, through mental abuse. Not proud of that, but she is also guilty of the same, so there is only so far I can personally take the blame. We don't talk. I text message her all the time because I miss her but she mostly wants nothing to do with me. She doesn't like me. She told me so.

    So I'm friendless and familyless. I'm truly alone. The only thing that I have that matters is my job, and while I'm good at it I'm not at all irreplaceable - and my attendance is shit, I admit it. Last relationship, only serious one I had in my thirty one years, ended abruptly about a year and a half ago. He was talking about marrying me and I would have accepted if I didn't unexpectedly catch him cheating. On top of that and being chronically single (which I'm not going to lie is something I see as a good thing - women who think they must be in relationships all the time make me want to vomit), I can't have kids.

    I'm not looking forward to growing old. Growing old is the worst fate imaginable to me. Growing old alone and not having anything to propose my life to is nothing I want to do. But that is almost assured to me if I continue living.

    That's why I'm here. I simply want to vanish. I don't want there to be a body to find or a note to read. I don't want anyone, whether they are close or not, to have to wonder if it's their fault. I'm thinking some sort of self-cremation or disappearing into the words. I don't want anyone to find out. I want to create the impression that I simply packed up and moved and decided not to stay in contact. It will be my last little secret
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i have had that feeling to hun wanting to vanish to disappear. I am glad you are reaching out here because now you are NOT invisible hun You are being heard and understood You may even make a new friend You are still young hun yes young YOu say your family won't miss you hun they will blame themselves for you leaving and even though you are not close they will still be affected by your suicide as i was with my brothers Keep reaching out here ok hun hugs
  3. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    So I literally sat here for awhile and read over your post about five times. Read the most notable bits. I honestly don't know what to say to you. If the whole "friendless and familyless," thing is 100 percent true then I wish you well in whatever decision you make. However, a lot of suicidal people, while honest, tend to exaggerate their situation, see everything through a magnifying glass. I do anyway. I don't think you're doing that but then again, I don't know you very well...I think if you do choose to kill yourself, be sure it's the right decision. There's no coming back from death. If you truly believe your problems are permanent, I hope you fully understand that your solution will be as well.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry about all that happened. I relate to you a lot. I only have my mom in my family because the rest don't care and my father was abusive so...I am alone, I'm 30, never had a real relationship with a guy (which my family complained about and thought I was a lesbian) I am okay being alone but my so called friends and family thought it was odd that at my age I didn't have a boyfriend and children. I don't want children, not that I don't like them, I do but I can barely take care of myself so imagine a child. And I don't need to bounce off from one guy to another like most of my family members...they make me vomit too....

    I'm slowly doing things I like though. Like a supper community at where I live, it's once a month. So I get to cook, eat and talk with my neighbors. I would suggest to find a hobby, or volunteer (which I plan to do soon) somewhere. You'll meet compassionate people like you :) because I can see that you care...and you know no one is perfect, we all have our flaws and lose it sometimes...at least you can recognize when you're wrong and seem to want to make it up.

    one thing I hate is people imposing their lifestyle on others...as if they want to be reassured that their way is the best way...frankly whatever way you choose is the best way for you
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