Hi , I haven't posted here in awhile .. Which is a good thing .. But every time I think I'm ok .. I come crashing down ! I needed to lose a few pounds . .. I few turned into 40 and I can't stop .. My ED is out of control and I hate everything about myself . I kept thinking at some point a bell or light would go off and I'd look in the mirror and have and ' I feel pretty ' moment . Instead it's just uglier and uglier and I'm finding more and more j hate . And I see fatter and fatter . My BMI is low I'm 105 pounds but my stomach sticks out ! My thighs jiggle . I hate myself , it's not just I feel fat I'm unhappy .. No I hate myself .. I don't want to loose some weight to look pretty ..I want to disappear I want to fade away ! the sad part !!!I'm not a child I'm to grown for this . Yet I'm still looking for my mothers approval who all my life made me feel not enough and cared so much about how I looked ... And while so many people are concerned and worried and telling me to stop losing and asking if I'm sick .. All my mother has said was 'oh you've lost a few pounds ' and that I look great! I hate the mirror I hate myself and I hate that I want to never eat again .. And part of me is doing this to spite her ..