Disappearing .. Literally

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Nobodydifferent, May 17, 2016.

  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Hi , I haven't posted here in awhile .. Which is a good thing .. But every time I think I'm ok .. I come crashing down ! I needed to lose a few pounds . .. I few turned into 40 and I can't stop .. My ED is out of control and I hate everything about myself . I kept thinking at some point a bell or light would go off and I'd look in the mirror and have and ' I feel pretty ' moment . Instead it's just uglier and uglier and I'm finding more and more j hate . And I see fatter and fatter . My BMI is low I'm 105 pounds but my stomach sticks out ! My thighs jiggle . I hate myself , it's not just I feel fat I'm unhappy .. No I hate myself .. I don't want to loose some weight to look pretty ..I want to disappear I want to fade away !
    the sad part !!!I'm not a child I'm to grown for this . Yet I'm still looking for my mothers approval who all my life made me feel not enough and cared so much about how I looked ... And while so many people are concerned and worried and telling me to stop losing and asking if I'm sick .. All my mother has said was 'oh you've lost a few pounds ' and that I look great! I hate the mirror I hate myself and I hate that I want to never eat again .. And part of me is doing this to spite her ..
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Nobodydifferent, you sound like you're in a lot of pain and I'm so sorry to hear of the struggle you're having. I honestly don't know much about this kind problem, but maybe it's time to seek help before you get sick. Do you have someone a therapist or counsellor that can give you guidance? I understand it's not the eating disorder but the pain you feel that's making you feel like this. I wish I could be of more help to you. I hope you can find someone to talk with and that you get better and feel good about yourself. I'm sure you're a nice person.
    Brian
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree with Brian. Please consider seeking professional help!