This morning I woke up, and I was sad I woke up. It was weird, normally when I wake up depressed I am angry. This is the first time I just felt like crying because I woke up. Which has ruined my day right from the start. I guess it is ok I am sad, after all I do not feel as reckless or impulsive. When I look out the window at work I think, "God why am I awake?", instead of "I wonder how log it would take me to black out" or "I wonder how much force that window can withstand". I don't know this is just such a weird feeling. I am just falling into my own pit of despair... and I do not want to wake up... yet I cannot find the will to sit in my van.