Disappointed In Myself

[Butterfly]

I had the best opportunity to get out how I really feel. My CPN came to see me this afternoon. I wanted to tell him about my suicidal thoughts and how in depth and intense they were. I did tell him I had been suicidal and I had harmed myself but I didnt make it out to be as serious as it is. I had the perfect opportunity to do something about it and I fucked it up. I just couldnt get it out. The words wouldnt come out. I am so stuck now. I feel even worse. Ultra disappointed in myself. Think I will just kill myself and get it all done with. I cant do this anymore.

 

[windlepoons]

You did what you set out to do, made a phenomenally hard admission about your inner mind. Well done! Do not be so hard on yourself, please.

Tell us how you feel?

 

[justMe7]

:smile: Hey give yourself some credit, you told him that you've been feeling suicidal and about self harming. That's something big :hug: It takes alot to open up to somoene on that level.

That's a big start. Whens the next time you see him, or can you get in contact with him anytime? :hug:

 

[Hoasis]

Just telling him you had been suicidal is a big mountain to climb, dont ever forget that! If you really WANT to tell him everything, why dont you call him, or set up an extra meeting? Focus on the positives remember :smile:

 

[Butterfly]

He already knew I had a history of cutting and take regular overdoses. But I didnt always have a strong desire to die. It wandered through my thoughts but I didnt want to kill myself. Now all I want to do is kill myself and that is what I didnt elaborate on. I have only got three more sessions with him as his care is only for the short term but I have fucked up my chances of getting therapy as I self harmed. I have to be three months self harm free before the therapy services will accept me. I feel absolutely rubbish and it will be another two weeks before I see him again.

 

[Stranger1]

No Lexi, You did the right thing.. You opened up and told him about the self harming and suicidal thoughts.. He should have picked up on how you were coping..When do you see your pdoc?? If you get to feeling to bad go to the A&E..You already know the drill..Don't do anything rash..Keep talking to us..

 

[Butterfly]

I dont have a pdoc. I am really stuck what to do. I dont think my family would support me going to a n e as I think they think I am not that bad. My fiance wouldnt anyway. I have an assignment due on Monday. I can hardly concentrate writing this and I think I have left it too late for an extension as I need a doctors note and my GP is always booked up. I am way out of my depth and things are far too out of my control. If I go to a n e I doubt I would be able to be able to get straight to the point as I really struggle talking face to face. I feel so stuck and so unsafe.

 

[windlepoons]

Families oftem struggle as they think its their fault and they struggle to accept that.

Face to face is hard but you could practice what you intend to say.
You can see other Drs if its urgent, I think.

 

[In Limbo]

Lexi, most GP surgeries where there are multiple doctors, you can ring up and ask for the first available appt. It doesn't have to be with your doctor - in fact being open about it may be easier with a relative stranger, in the same way that it is on this forum.

Keep talking - you can come through this.

My PM box is as always, ever open.
Chris

 

[Butterfly]

No I would rather see the GP I have been seeing for my depression becausw I like and trust her. The last time I saw a diff GP he accuses me of lying about being suicidal and said that all I needed to do was to think happy thoughts. Needless to say the next day I was in A&E feeling intense suicidal thoughts and after taking a series of ODs. I feel so out of control. I am frightened I will attempt. I might see if I can talk my fiance into taking me to a&e tomorrow if I can hold out.