Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jethro, Nov 18, 2014.

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  1. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    I'm working an extremely stressful gig this week. While I'm happy for the work -- I'll actually make a little more than I spend this month, the first such month in 2014 -- the work is tough. 15 days straight, no days off, minimum of 14 hours a day. Some days will be closer to 20.

    Today, I was sure I has having a heart attack. Chest pains, shortness of breath, sweating. One of the managers saw that I was in distress and suggested that I go to the ER. I convinced him that I was OK, that it was just that I'd wolfed down my lunch (which was true, I had a total of seven minutes for lunch). Another co-worker was less convinced, and was really worried about me. Finally, I told him: "If I go to the ER, I'm fired. If I'm fired, I'm dead. If I have a massive heart attack, I'm dead. If I have a minor one, I won't be able to work and the deductible on my insurance is $5,000. So I'm dead. The only way this works out for me is if I stay here and work."

    Turns out, I didn't have a heart attack. It probably really was just stress, lack of sleep, bad food and too much coffee.

    I was, and am, disappointed. I had to decided to end all this last week, then chickened out. A massive coronary would give me what I want -- the only thing I want -- without me having to actually do it myself.

    I can't even die of natural causes properly. Yet another failure on my part.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are working you are NOT a failure you need to speak up take some time out even ten minutes every few hours just to breath ok You are not a disappointment you are under too much stress no one could do those hours without collapsing Talk to someone you trust ok maybe get some work load decreased some
  3. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    Unfortunately, I am alone in this world. No family, no real friends.

    If I slow down, I'm fired.

    It doesn't really matter. I'm a freelancer, and I don't have any gigs after this one.

    So I haven't given up -- if I could get this kind of work full time, I could live and pay off my debt. But this kind of work is rare, moreso if you're over 50, as I am. When the work is done, and the money is gone, and all my possessions are sold, save one (forum rules keep me from discussing methods, but it's metal and worth about $400), then I'll give up.

    The heart attack would have really been a win-win for everyone. Bummer.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,
    I feel I need to point this out. Heart attack and panic attack symptoms are sometimes very alike, the tight chest, not breathing properly, pins and needles, shortness of breath, racing heart or slowed down heart.

    I think you should get a check up from your doctor just to make sure everything is fine and you are NOT a failure. There is no win-win in death ever. So please put as much thinking of how to get past this as you're putting into doing it.
    It really is not the solution even though things seem so bleak right now.
    Best of luck to you and thank you for abiding by our rules, it is appreciated!!
  5. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel in some ways. I have a sudden death syndrome and have a defibrillator implanted - which I didn't want but because I have family felt that I had to accept it. So yes, I understand the cheated feeling.
    I know it's hard to just keep plugging away but there is hope. I don't know much about the US welfare state but I hope that in dire straits you would have somewhere to live and food. In the UK we have a decent, basic system which means that people have a room and food to eat. We also have a lot of food banks and charities supplying hot meals, showers, fresh clothes. There should be something similar in the US? If you are resourceful there are always ways to improve your situation with disability payments too, but thank god I haven't had to pay for my healthcare.....I probably wouldn't be here.
    Hey and that's an expensive spade you have there ;)
  6. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    Turns out it was a kidney stone. I was literally on the floor writhing in pain, so I was sent to the ER. That visit will cost me more than I'll make on this gig, and, sure enough, when I got back to work a few hours later, I'd been terminated.

    That's that.
  7. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    "In the UK we have a decent, basic system which means that people have a room and food to eat. We also have a lot of food banks and charities supplying hot meals, showers, fresh clothes. There should be something similar in the US?"

    We have nothing like that in the US. Some churches may run that sort of thing, but I'm not sure.

    If you are out of money here, you starve or freeze to death. That's how our system works, and that's the way our citizens want it.

    The event doesn't end until Tuesday, but since I got sick today (kidney stone) I'm being sent home tomorrow.

    Hopefully they'll pay me for the 13 days straight that I worked. If not, I won't live through the year.

  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Glad you got to the bottom of it at least x
  9. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    Yeah, but I was really hoping for the heart attack.

    I'm too cowardly to actually do this thing at this point. I'd made the decision to end it all a couple of weeks ago, then chickened out.

    While I've lost all of my real friends during the breakup with my ex, there are still acquaintances who have some fondness for me, and my suicide would make them feel ill at ease. Hell, it would bother my ex as well, and despite her outright cruelty towards me, I don't want her to feel guilt. Of course, she probably isn't capable of that. Still.

    A massive coronary? That will cause some head shaking, especially since i've lost almost 40 lbs this year, work out five days a week, etc, but at age 51 it's not unheard of.

    I guess I'm somewhere in the middle: Not suicidal, but cognizant of the fact that there is absolutely no reason to live. Is there a word for that?
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