Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by just_me_again, Oct 20, 2015.

  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    It's strange. I feel an empty sadness that I've been trying to fill with schoolwork, friends, and a whole bunch of forced positivity. Everyone thinks I'm this bouncy happy person, but I feel like any second now I'm going to freak out on them. I kind of just freaked out on a guy. I'm pretty sure he likes me and he invited me to a Christian club party (even though I'm a very vocal atheist, I went because I was curious) and it was boring. He grabbed my neck and I thought I was going to hit him. A girl I knew once was strangled. It's only very recently that I've been able to process what happened to a person that I once spoke to about mundane things. It was just too much so I made him take me back to the dorm.
    I just wanted to forget everything for a moment. I wanted to forget about French class and a boy that probably doesn't like me back and a crushing sense of loneliness that has constantly seized me. I try to talk to fill the silence and I try to say things that keep my cheerful but I can't keep this up. I'm scared that when I crawl into this dark corner, everyone will leave me and I won't come back out.
    Everything has just been so disappointing. When I was little, I believed in fairytales. I believed that someday, I would find people that understand me. I thought that if I was away from my parents, everything would be better. I thought I'd finally be able to get my shit together but I've just been trudging along as per usual, the same person start to finish. Will I always be like this? If so, then I, myself, am a disappointment.
    New clothes and makeup and a new place have done nothing to make me a new, better person.
    How can I stop hating myself and everything?