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Discouraged and Hopeless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadhart, Apr 25, 2016.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for posting again. It feels like I do this every few months or so. I am not hopeful about my life. Even though I have two years of sobriety and currently have a full time job, I just feel hopeless. I stay at a recovery house and lately it has become difficult to live there. My roommate, who is also a graduate of the recovery houses' program like I am, currently has his girlfriend staying with us. Normally, this is against the rules, but he is also an employee of the recovery house so I guess that makes it alright. I haven't had the courage to ask why she is living with us, and she isn't too difficult to live with, but it's just uncomfortable. On top of that, it's just difficult dealing with the other house mates and their personalities especially when there is always a turn over. I want to move soon, but I am afraid to take that step.

    And even though I am working full time, it's a job that I don't really want to do for a long time. I started out as a temp worker there two years ago and just recently got hired on full time. This job has been something that has played a role in my recovery and I am grateful for the stability that it has provided. But it is not my dream job and it can be a bit stressful at times.

    One thing that I have struggled with long before I did with drinking is alcohol and in sobriety I continue to do so. I just have a hard time connecting with people and it has gotten to a point where I just hate trying to even communicate because it's just hard. One reason why is because I can't get over past failures and rejections when I have tried. I don't want to experience that type of pain again if I can help it.

    I have been finding myself getting away from the recovery house on the weekend and staying at my aunt's house where my mother also lives. When it was time to go back though, I decided to extend it another day which meant that I wasn't going in for work. I just feel so tired and don't want to deal with anything....sometimes that includes working on recovery, like going to meetings and stuff like that. Going down to my aunt's house is a double edged sword though because while I do get to have some privacy, it is hard to be around my family. My aunt is in her 90's and while she still gets around and all, it's certainly not like how she used to. My mother has Multiple Sclerosis and I while she manages it as best as she can it is hard not to worry. I have some stupid phobia with driving so she has to come pick me up when I want to go down there. She gets pains in her shoulder while she's driving and I just feel so helpless and frustrated to do anything. I've managed to get my permit and on a couple of occasions I was able to drive some of the way, but I still feel worthless and pathetic.

    From 2009 to 2014, my life was a stagnant hell. I'm not at that place at this time and I am glad. However, I still feel sad and hopeless about the future. This is not the type of sadness that I want to solve with psychiatric drugs. I do currently talk to a therapist, and he did suggest perhaps getting some kind of testing done. I told him that I would think about it. I suppose it was a better suggestion than him just throwing medication at me like some therapists and doctors are quick to do.

    I know I wrote a lot and I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
  2. Maniae

    Maniae Well-Known Member

    It was a lot of writing, and it all makes sense.

    It sounds like you've been really successful in your recovery. Congratulations! ! It also sounds like you are a bit afraid of total independence. If you step out of the boat, you're afraid you will sink. Well guess what? If you step out of the boat, you'll realize that you can actually swim.
    The recovery program may have resources for you like subsidized housing, programs that may match a dollar amount that you have saved in a savings account to help you become self-sufficient.

    The best time to find a job is when you have a job. Get all the training you can where you are, get involved in other aspects of the company and learn other areas so you are more marketable to your next employee or in line for a promotion with your current employer. Sometimes we can get burnt out on a job because we want to remain where we are comfortable instead of exploring our potential.

    Maybe you just need to see your worth. You've got some accomplishments and you should be proud of yourself. We are our worst critics.

    Find your purpose. Seek spiritual growth.
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you. The recovery house doesn't really have resources quite like that, and lately they have been a bit busy focusing on expanding their program. There is a church that has offered some housing opportunities or leads. I guess when it comes to it I'm just hesitant to take more steps forward.
  4. Maniae

    Maniae Well-Known Member

    I believe you will do great. You've done well for the past two years+
    Google is our friend *smile*
    Research and soar!!!!
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Never be sorry for posting, that's what this forum is for!

    I hope it helped you even to write some of it down... and I'm sorry you feel this way.

    Could you tell someone that you feel uncomfortable about the girlfriend? And is there someone who could support you if you did move out?
    I'm not completely sure what a recovery house is, but if it's similar to what my friend stayed in I understand it can also be a bit stressful. My friend moved away, but was still monitored by someone visiting her daily at first. Would that help you if you could do something like that?
    MisterBGone likes this.
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    It's hard to really talk about issues at the recovery house...sometimes it just leads to petty tension. I'm just going to try to ride it out. As far as finding a place and support....maybe...I don't know. The biggest obstacle in moving out is me and my fear of being able to do so.
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