So who decides who gets sick? Is it all predetermined? Is it out of our control? Why don’t people listen sometimes to what I actually say, it could have stopped or helped with this current situation. I have resentment but it is not fair for me to have this feeling. I am not the one who is going to die from this. I am only the one left behind, to pick up pieces, to figure out my life from that point onwards. How am I going to do that? How will I be able to wake up knowing im now alone? This one person who actually gets me will be gone. How can I watch this person die before me, where will I get this strength from? I won’t let people in, so why should I expect "them" to be there, when they don't exist anyhow. How will I do this? How can I keep my spirit outwardly upbeat when inside my soul is dying? How do you deal with the unknown? The uncertainties? How much time do we have left? How fast is it going to go downhill? Will I be strong enough to survive? Cancer sucks.