So I just had a physical fight with my father. I tried to call my sister but she wouldn't answer, probably figured it was trivial. I'm going on 27 years old. I've been coming back home for years because I can't seem to stabilize my own life anywhere (I'm borderline, depressive). Tonight was just the icing on the fucking cake. My psychotic father charged at me, hit and choked me, then went to bed as though nothing happened. I'm sitting up, fuming, crying, completely reeling from the absurdity of it all. I'm disgusted at myself for even being in this situation right now, back with my childhood abuser, dependent on him, and I really want nothing more than for him to die so I can get the goddamn beneficiary check. If it wasn't for the fact that I was leaving for a six month seasonal job in a couple of weeks, I would feel hopeless. Hell, I feel it now, anyway. But I'm just realizing how much of a madhouse this truly is, and has been. This environment has conditioned me to be as fucked up as I am today, and I'll probably never be able to change the behaviors that my horrible father has ingrained in me. I can never come back here once I leave. And I never want to speak to him again. I want him to realize that he is finally losing. He will die alone and miserable, and he gets everything he deserves.