Disgusted/Hateful

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wereghost, Apr 17, 2014.

  1. Wereghost

    Wereghost Member

    So I just had a physical fight with my father. I tried to call my sister but she wouldn't answer, probably figured it was trivial.

    I'm going on 27 years old. I've been coming back home for years because I can't seem to stabilize my own life anywhere (I'm borderline, depressive).

    Tonight was just the icing on the fucking cake. My psychotic father charged at me, hit and choked me, then went to bed as though nothing happened.

    I'm sitting up, fuming, crying, completely reeling from the absurdity of it all. I'm disgusted at myself for even being in this situation right now, back with my childhood abuser, dependent on him, and I really want nothing more than for him to die so I can get the goddamn beneficiary check.

    If it wasn't for the fact that I was leaving for a six month seasonal job in a couple of weeks, I would feel hopeless. Hell, I feel it now, anyway.

    But I'm just realizing how much of a madhouse this truly is, and has been. This environment has conditioned me to be as fucked up as I am today, and I'll probably never be able to change the behaviors that my horrible father has ingrained in me.

    I can never come back here once I leave. And I never want to speak to him again. I want him to realize that he is finally losing. He will die alone and miserable, and he gets everything he deserves.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    sorry your father is so toxic, to put it mildly.

    With me, I ended up being my own abuser. So even though I moved away from my abuser, I carried on the messages. If you have any of that also, if you are internalizing some of the messages, you may want to think about getting counseling so you can begin to really heal from all that damage. And really change the thought process. That way you will truly be free of him. Even the thoughts that are enternalized.

    I am glad you are getting out of there. And sorry that you have had to deal with him for all those years. Sorry for what happened tonight. Please be careful. Stay safe
     
  3. Wereghost

    Wereghost Member

    Thank you, flowers. I appreciate your response. Yeah, I will definitely seek counseling in the future. It can be hard being your own psychiatrist. :p
     
  4. I'm new here (well, sort of), and was actually just coming back to ask for help/advice with problems similar to this. So, honestly, I have no idea what to say as far as a solution, but you're at least not alone in how much you hate your parents. I long ago realized that the day mine were dead would be the best day of my life. Fairly different situation, nothing remotely like /that/ kind of physical abuse, though. More just long, drawn out, psychological torture, in my case.

    I guess the only hope I can toss out is that time tends to heal a lot of wounds, even the ones you think you can never get over. I wonder if I'll ever be able to move past it all, even once all the pathologically toxic people are finally out of my life. My recreational studies of neuroscience give me some hope, though. Long story short, if you're not up to speed, memories tend to be associated with the firing of specific neurons (e.g. the famous Bill Clinton and Jennifer Aniston neurons). Your brain learns this stuff through a process called long-term potentiation. I figure we're forced to dwell on our misery so much because neurons associated with these bad memories, people and events become overly well connected to everything else in our heads - basically they become the focal point of the network. If that hypothesis is true, you can help reverse it by consistently avoiding things that bring up those memories, things that reinforce them, and slowly forcing yourself to make other ideas and things more important and central to your mind. Maybe true, maybe not, I'm not a neurologist. I try it though and it seems to help me, even if its mostly placebo.

    Anyways, best of luck to you.