Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm just disgusted. With myself. I fear that anger will be forever directed inward, resulting in this self loathing that just won't shift. Who the hell am I to judge another? What gives me that right? Nothing, nada and zilch. And yet I do it, all the time. I have wasted so much time on nothingness. I'm a lazy old cow. Nothing more nor less. That's the truth. I am a moron and an ignoramus. I have allowed people to judge and harm me. For what reason? To perhaps feel a sense of belonging? Of acceptance? Of love? I deserved and deserve what I have experienced. And if there is a higher power of some sort, the losses of the last two years makes sense. I am so lucky compared to so many, yet here I am...oh....woe is me bullshit.

    Doesn't matter what way I try to look at things, even with rose tinted glasses, I still am disgusting.

    I'm where I am because of choices I made, no one else. And while I can allow that my surroundings growing up would have indeed shaped my personality, don't and didn't I always have a choice not to be that person?

    Just so very sad, angry, tearful and fucking feeling selfish today. It's all a crock.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Mo, I understand your feelings and thinking completely, because I have been in the same dark place for the same reasons. However, I'd like for you to know that there is indeed a higher power and that the things you write are not unusual at all, in fact are even helpful (in their own way) to bring an awareness of our "inward parts" and how they can relate to Reality so, as you say, they do indeed make some kind of sense.

    I understand about our formative surroundings shaping our personality - it is unavoidable, and yes we also have choices to go our own way and to think for ourselves, which is very necessary. However, our formative influences can still have a hold on the choices that we make, and it can be difficult to break free of unconscious stuff in our psyches that influence our choices.

    This is where insight is so precious, in that it helps us understand why we make the choices we do, and why we think on the things we choose to think on (which actually determines our destiny). As to our deserts - deserved or otherwise - it is built into the universe the cause and effect thing, and for every action there is a consequence, no exceptions. However, there is grace available for the mistakes we make, and we can call on this grace constantly - the higher power's grace, because God is in love with us, as crazy an idea as this may seem :)