I'm just disgusted. With myself. I fear that anger will be forever directed inward, resulting in this self loathing that just won't shift. Who the hell am I to judge another? What gives me that right? Nothing, nada and zilch. And yet I do it, all the time. I have wasted so much time on nothingness. I'm a lazy old cow. Nothing more nor less. That's the truth. I am a moron and an ignoramus. I have allowed people to judge and harm me. For what reason? To perhaps feel a sense of belonging? Of acceptance? Of love? I deserved and deserve what I have experienced. And if there is a higher power of some sort, the losses of the last two years makes sense. I am so lucky compared to so many, yet here I am...oh....woe is me bullshit. Doesn't matter what way I try to look at things, even with rose tinted glasses, I still am disgusting. I'm where I am because of choices I made, no one else. And while I can allow that my surroundings growing up would have indeed shaped my personality, don't and didn't I always have a choice not to be that person? Just so very sad, angry, tearful and fucking feeling selfish today. It's all a crock.