Disgusting intimacy

[BizzareCake]

Despite the many 19 years that passed and 12 past the incidents, I haven't even once felt comfortable to get intimate with anyone - regardless of the type of relationship. Frienda, lovers. Those incidents control my life, it feels like you're vile and dirty for no one to touch or even talk to. I can't imagine myself ever intimate with someone on a physical level and it's getting very frustrating. Partly because I acknowledge that I and most people generally wouldn't even mind, be disgusted by these things.
As I wrote, I just feel disgusted myself, shameful. A disgusting body, that is scarred in its most intimate and valid places. I just can't get rid of this self hatred over something I don't even deserve to hate myself for.
Have any of you gone past that point, manged to free yourself of the shameful burden completely?

 

[Were all together]

You shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself or shameful. You aren't to blame. Hope you're seeking therapy.

 

[Nick]

I'm sorry you had to go through those things and I understand those feelings. Intimate relationships are complicated after you have been through somethings. I can't say that I have completely overcome it, yet. I've made a great deal of progress in the last year. Things that used to be impossible to think about or consider are easier now. A lot of that is thanks to therapy and the people here who have walked with me through some bad times. I didn't used to think it was possible to get past, but I do think there is a chance now.

 

[crazyk]

I feel the same way that you do. I had given up on the idea that I would ever be with someone. I’ve stayed single for 20 years. Last summer I decided that I wasn’t going to let the person who abused me determine my happiness anymore. I started psychoanalysis so I go 4x a week. I will get past this

 

[Walker]

Yes indeed people have gotten completely past this. It is definitely possible to overcome. You may not be able to do that yourself - get past it completely - but you certainly might arrive at a point that's tolerable or even beyond.... And I hope that you can find that place.

 

[Charlene]

Hey and welcome to SF. It is possible to leave this behind. It needs psychotherapy to disentangle things, to redirect the disgust to the abuser. And to work through and change all the understandable but maladaptive beliefs you have built about yourself.
I hope you will feel better with yourself one day. You deserve it. Anne

 

[Petal]

Hi @BizzareCake welcome to SF. It's nice to ''meet'' you.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, may I ask have you ever talked to anyone in real life about the abuse that occurred?
Therapy could possibly help you as could medication. Don' keep it bottled inside, that would be the biggest error in judgement, a counselor would be the best starting point, keep reaching out, help is out there among with many other sufferers who could relate to you and help you in some way, maybe a support group type thing?

we're here for you.

 

[BizzareCake]

Hi @BizzareCake welcome to SF. It's nice to ''meet'' you.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, may I ask have you ever talked to anyone in real life about the abuse that occurred?
Therapy could possibly help you as could medication. Don' keep it bottled inside, that would be the biggest error in judgement, a counselor would be the best starting point, keep reaching out, help is out there among with many other sufferers who could relate to you and help you in some way, maybe a support group type thing?

we're here for you.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes i've been to a therapist as well a psychiatrist and taking my prescribed medication. I have been to youth programs of rehabilition since I was 16. Despite all my self work, seems like this is the one things I don't even know how to start treating. I am aware of the fact that it isn't my fault - despite the comments above stating I supposedly don't feel disgusted with the abuser, rather myself. I am very disgusted with my abuser. I do know that these feelings don't come from taking some blame.
I can't really put it into words, I just feel disgusted by what happened to me - something I can't ever undo unfortunately. I'm not blaming myself for the incident.

 

[Petal]

I'm happy to hear you know it is not your fault because it entirely is not and you have every right to be disgusted with the abuser.
The abuser is scum and will never be a better person than you are and its saddening that you are suffering so much. Also happy to hear you have been to a therapist, would you go back to one again? Maybe have your doctor look at your medication list?
Medicine and therapy isn't the answer to everything - i'm not trying to insinuate that at all just fyi

Self help like mindfulness and guided meditations might help as could holistic healing, acupunture etc... keep trying and never give up, giving up is when you start to fail, right now you are winning.

I suffered too unfortunately and there was this one memory(too sickening to talk about) that haunted me for several years and after demanding help time and time again, new meds, new therapy, social worker etc etc etc I started to improve. Small things like mindful colouring, focusing on things that will distract me helped. Many years later I'm in a better frame of mind and I genuinely hope that one day you will be too.

 

[panicbutton]

I do understand to a degree what youre dealing with. I have had a lot of self hatred. I have had a lot of shame. Although neither of those are gone, they arent linked to the abuse anymore. I still feel disgusted sometimes, but not as much or as intense. I have been lucky to have a couple of pretty awesome people i can talk to about it. A couple of people that i trust completely. I think that is the hardest thing is learning how to trust someone, as well as finding and cultivating a healthy relationship, even if its just a friendship. I dont trust easily and its very hard for me to.open up about how i feel daily.

Do you keep a journal here? Public or private? It has helped me break down the pathways of how and why i feel the way i do about certain things. Even if i write it out under high stress or very emotionally charged. I can go back and process it out later. Honestly being here, doing the journal and two close friends have helped a lot. I couldnt tell you what helped more of those things, but remaining open. Talk with us. We are here to listen. We are here to help.

 

[gypsylee]

Despite the many 19 years that passed and 12 past the incidents, I haven't even once felt comfortable to get intimate with anyone - regardless of the type of relationship. Frienda, lovers. Those incidents control my life, it feels like you're vile and dirty for no one to touch or even talk to. I can't imagine myself ever intimate with someone on a physical level and it's getting very frustrating. Partly because I acknowledge that I and most people generally wouldn't even mind, be disgusted by these things.
As I wrote, I just feel disgusted myself, shameful. A disgusting body, that is scarred in its most intimate and valid places. I just can't get rid of this self hatred over something I don't even deserve to hate myself for.
Have any of you gone past that point, manged to free yourself of the shameful burden completely?

Hey there..

Have you heard of Andrew Vachss? He’s an author and lawyer, and his life’s work is child protection. He writes some very good stuff about abuse (in whatever form) and how victims can heal..

http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches.html

I hope you find something that helps.

Gypsy x

 

[BizzareCake]

Hey there..

Have you heard of Andrew Vachss? He’s an author and lawyer, and his life’s work is child protection. He writes some very good stuff about abuse (in whatever form) and how victims can heal..

http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches.html

I hope you find something that helps.

Gypsy x

Thank you for your time replying. I did not know who he was, until now. I am a little confused about the format and his work on the healing process after the child abuse incident, I didn't find it. But it is a good informative website about child abuse overall.