Today there was a company picnic. To contextualise - I am a digital marketer and it is naturally a relatively 'young' kind of a business - very techy. So I work in an office of around 50 people and about 10 of them are females - most in their late 20's and guys in their late 20's and early 30's. There are a couple of older women who are senior management, there are a half dozen petite, size 8 (US size 2/4?) very pretty girls and then there is me and a woman who is a few years older than me. So social events are always - not especially good for the self esteem. I have never been under any illusion about how I look, but the older I get the wonkier my teeth, the saggier my face, the fatter I get. What was once at best average is now - disgusting. I am disgusting looking. So it is roasting hot, sunny - I have been in an un-airconditioned office all day - makeup free because lets face it you cannot really polish a turd so there is little point trying. And the picnic has a professional photographer. We have to (in front of everyone) sit and pose and have pictures. I am late as I had to lock up the office and take care of making sure all the alarms were set etc so while the rest of the (already perfect looking) girls sorted out hair and makeup, I arrived frazzled and sweaty. The photo session left me in tears. Being told "you don't look any more gross now than usual and we see you every day" was not calming or reassuring. And then the tiny pretty girls take off their stiletto heels and go play cricket on the grass with the guys, who swarm around them. There are a few very new guys on the sidelines, obviously unsure about taking part, so in the absence of anyone to talk to I go say hi. They spend 15 minutes asking me who all the pretty girls are. None of them know my name. I hate being this person. I hate avoiding reflective surfaces. I hate that clothes shopping makes me feel sick and ends in tears. Always. I hate that even if I lost weight now I would still be disgusting - skin and sag and skin like a 90 year old. I hate that fixing my teeth so my face was not lopsided and my smile didn't make a photographer who had just told me to smile say "alright maybe not smile" would cost about £3k I do not and will never have. I hate that without hair dye my hair is almost entirely grey at the age of 32, and the wirey coarse texture that comes with grey hair. I hate that my skin is so fair that it is red and blotchy as soon as it gets hot, or cold - and even when it isn't the faded freckles all over my face make my skin look uneven and old. I hate that being fat and ugly makes me invisible at best - unworthy of being spoken to, or remembering a name. I hate that random strangers find me so disgusting it warrants comment: I was getting a train home from a long day last weekend and I went into KFC at the train station as it was the only food place there to get - as it happened - a grilled chicken wrap and a bottle of water. The guy serving says "what will it be?" The two guys just behind me interject with "best make it a salad don't you think?" - followed of course by loud laughing. Right now I want... well what I want is far too methody and potentially triggering to write here. I hate myself and I never want to leave the house again.