Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mama_Pills, Aug 8, 2014.

  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    I just got home. I was out with friends from work, having fun, karaoke, and one of my coworkers drove me home. I ended up having sex with him in his car.

    Yes, I've thought about it. But I like to think of myself as someone who has morals and who doesn't just sleep with people because they want to feel needed or pretty. I'm so sick of myself. I keep telling myself I won't do it anymore. But this has been happening since my first boyfriend left me after 11 months, 3 years ago (when I was 20) and I have just felt so abandoned. I don't feel anyone will ever care about me the way he did or treat me the way he did, especially now that I'm so disgusting.

    I'm disgusted with myself. No one could ever love someone like me. I fuck people so I can feel loved, even if it's just for an hour. I fuck people so I can feel needed. I fuck people even though I know I'll feel disgusting afterward. I'm just so sick of it but I can't stop. I just want someone to hold me and I want to feel like they feel something when they do. I'm disgusting. I'm a ***** who deserves to die. I'm tired of being alone. No one will ever love a disgusting *****, and even if they do they'll get tired of me and throw away their trash.

    I'm just so tired and i hate myself and I hate that I can't stop and I just want to be gone.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, it was a mistake. A mistake does not define who you are it's just something you did. Don't feel so bad, you just wanted to feel that someone was close to you. We all make mistakes, the best thing you can do is learn from it and keep your morals high. It's the past now. Don't beat yourself up, :hug:
  3. darkhorse91

    darkhorse91 Member

    First of all, you are not disgusting. It's okay to want to feel pretty/needed or to just want to have sex for that matter. It does not make you any less of a person or less moral. You will find someone who truly cares about you and you will be happy.
  4. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    your not disgusting, The guys who KNOW that your not feeling well and take advantage of it and not treat you the way you want to be treated.
    As a guy I know how it feels to be wanted too, I get made fun of from my males friends for not wanting a one stand because I value being wanted.
    and my female friends just say i'm a "p***y" and need to man up. Sometimes I wish I was not here cause i'm "trash to the male stereotypes" but I keep going because I know its worth it in the long run.

    So please, dont say your trash and that nobody wants you because someone special will want you.
    Being between 18-25 is rough because its all about physical attraction and not emotional...
    we got to wait till people mature enough to realise they need a real relationship and by then they burn their bridges with the "real feelings"