I kind of ran out, I have some tiny willpower inside but it has little direction and seem to have a purpose of keeping me alive for seemingly unknown reasons. I think about suicide everyday now and I don't feel like fighting much any more because I feel like a failure with no chance of getting to a acceptable spot with what I got to offer, ever. I just don't trust myself in that aspect any more how ever well-meaning my motivation was before. To lonely for to long and to much defeats and lost battles for to far of a time. (yes I see the connection) I´m talking about the endeavour of a life with relationships, with love and make sense things to do on the days and freaking self knowledge, fears and courage and a role to play in day to day life. I cant have it, zip, nadda, I dont have a ticket to this society or to any kind of government approved life or unapproved for that matter, I don't fit to them. Sooo Iv lost guise, iv let my hair grow and I don't care about my beard growing any more. People can say what they want, they can judge me and hate me for looking like I do or for being a stray-minded fool of a failure. Sure I wanted so bad to belong, I wanted so bad to be apart of there world that it hurt... they should only know how much I wanted it, but I cant, I couldn't, I diddent find my self unless it was to be lonely, miserable and a looser. I mean, God darn almost 30 years should have been enough, should it not? I mean give me something, a tiny validation of belonging here, something? nooooehhoopelydooo. Today or tomorrow do make "all the difference in the world", it really do, "for those that could pretend" and do still care, because when I CANT then I see that that´s a huge freaking challenge for the mind. If it could take me away so swift and unjustly and leave you mad as a bat for giving the f*** up, then how can you believe in it any more, I just off´d myself, so what's to say about the next person you bond with and get to know and love or the next child you bring in to the world?. Are they just going to give up too? Then what's the point, and maybe they knew something I diddent know because hey I really enjoyed there company and friendship, (so now its getting dangerous for the few people you do love, you feel me? this is what's on my mind.) They freaking loved to live most of the time but now they are all f***´t up and question there own existence or hate me for giving up and ruining THERE experience of life. No thank you, stop doing that, I´m not you and you diddent have to wait for centuries after centuries after centuries and still get no answers. ITS NOT FUNNY GOD, STOP LAUGHING! you don't even exist so HA! last laugh and all yadda, yadda. You suck GOD! It´s the dead man´s curse, all because ONE little p**** could not stand to pretend any more. Well it wasn't even that, my brother always tell me I don't even have to like it I just have to get a job, clean my flat and act like a normal person... WHY??? oh yeah to not be a leech on society and keep the rest in there normal bliss and not question themselves like I do my self... got it! bank´t it! and sold for cash money! It dosent make me feel aright thou and I understand that my pain and suffering must be sustained for a long, long time before I can let go of this but then again if you ever surprise me I´m going to feel pretty stupid having written all this crap. You give me everything family, you really do, you give me the world, so how f***´t up is it that I don't want to take what you so generously give? That I back away from your generosity more and more and In sadness realise what I am doing to your normally comfortable existence of a life, all because I stop´t believing that it ever, EVER could be me, feeling like I belonged in this wonderful, wonderful place it could really be. I see so many brothers and sisters do it everyday. It´s like looking out from a window and see others playing outside but not being able to join them. This Is the show-stopper right here, that pulse that with overly positive aspirations keeps feeding energy and to me in this weakened condition lame FAITH, that just keep´s going even when its god darn well over. Sitting like a freaking splinter between the tooth´s to here and eternal non-existence. All it did was buy me more time and THAT I waste reluctantly but in a steady stream of useless meaningless filler actions. I´m in limbo and I´m waiting patiently not expecting anything but hoping for a way out of here any way I can find it. Do you know what I do when I hear of some tragic accident on the news? Every time I say out-loud that I wish I could have taken one of those victims place´s so there normal meaningful life´s wasn't wasted and I could have got in return an honourable, understandable and easier EXIT that my loved one´s could handle easier. For me there is no honour in suicide. It´s just f***´t and f***´s with everyone you do care about in the worst ways not to mention all the other suicidal kids who hear about it and decide its a way out too. It´s a crime I tell you but things gets desperate and God I hope my kins can forgive me if I ever go that way. That kind of blood on my hands is something I would never want be responsible for. I live in a kind of limbo remember, waiting and waiting and waiting .... For once in my life It dosent seem to be so far. Days away from 30 and I find myself wanting a new try even when suicide grips me and shakes me, oh why tease, don't you know it feels like dreaming and waking up all over again, the things I´v seen was beautiful, the love I have seen still makes me cry sometimes. In misery I find my true brothers and sisters, In this simple human emotion we all bond and bleed on the canvas of life. We play a part of something we know so little about. So much pain just to be a part of something we can´t fully understand but that is at the same time all we have. I don't ever want to forget the bravery of my kin, even if it seems we had little choice. To some it feels like a gift and to some a mission and yet to some like a sacrifice at times. It will be okey, limbo or back to life will do fine until its time to go. I will pay for it all in full what ever happens In life. Aight I´m done making an ass out of myself for tonight, peace out and I will see you on the bounce Sienna!