Dissapointed with myself

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Broken Wings, Apr 13, 2008.

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  1. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    Alright, it's kinda compicated, but I'll try to explain:

    I had made a promise, to a very important person (to me at least) that I wouldn't cut. I felt better for a time, had a lot of times where it felt pretty unbearable, but I got through. For two months. Then the world seemed to get swept under my feet. I didn't 'cut' perse, instead I made an attept on my life, through a different method.
    After that, and two hospital stays, I no longer see this person everyday (she was my teacher, I changed schools for second semester, somewhat because of all this), and I started to find it harder than ever not to cut. Before I had to face her everyday, and if I didn't cut, I could look at her with pride, knowing that if I did cut, it'd be hell to my 'honour'(I hate breaking promises, more than anything)

    Now I don't see her. So everything sorta spiraled, and now here I am. Four months after, and I've screwed up.

    30-35 cuts in two days, (not very deep, they're almost healed, about a week later), and I think I opened pandora's box, because I'm not sure I can stop now.

    I'm trying to get into contact with her again, so I can get that bit of faith into my life, but until then...? My 'friend' who said he'd help me contact her (stills goes to that school) is treating it like it doesn't matter, even though I've impressed firmly that it does. That just makes it worse.

    I'm trying to deal with the problems, I'm going to CBT, I'm taking my meds, which had seemed to be working for a while, but I think they've crashed again, (they did that once, and we had to up the dose), and I go to the doc every/every other week.

    I just want to know how... how to stay sane, or close to, until I can fix it all again. I'm not sure what I'm expecting from posting this, but posting about my attempt helped me then, so maybe it'll work again...?

    I don't want to hurt myself,
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    I`m sorry this replay took so much time!
    well to keep yourself unharmed the best you can do is to not stay alone, or to find a good hobbie outside home(exercising helps a lot)
    you can also draw the place where u want to hurt when u feel the urge.try to yell.
    the important is that u want to stop! keep on the meds and always look for someone to talk to^^
  3. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    That's alright. No one knows I post here, and I prefer it that way, so I don't get on every night anyways...

    It's very hard to not be alone, considering these two factors:
    a)My doctor and I both agree that I need to spend more time awa frm my mother
    b) We live out in the country, while my school is in the city. I take the bus from school to my mum's work, so I'm not alone there, but I'm with her. When I get home, there's no one around for a good long distance, and it's too late to bring anyone over, so it's either be alone, or spend more time with my mother, who I'm supposed to distance my self a bit from.

    The second reason also kinda breaks down away from home hobbies. I do have a gaming group for several weekends of each month, but I don't tend to have problems during the weekends, more the weekdays. I could(and will!) exercise more when the cold lets up 'round here. I love bike riding, and now that we've moved to the country, there's lots of places to go.

    Drawing has never helped. I end up with an arm wet with ink, and still have the urge. I can't yell around here without my mum hearing, and asking WTH? and getting a bit angry.

    Thank you for taking the time to read, it really helps to know people care, and care enough to offer suggestions.
  4. Twitch

    Twitch Member

    The big thing is to not focus on the fact that you've cut, but to remember that you want to stop. It's an addiction; it really is. Just like they say with AA, take it one day at a time. Find ways to distract yourself and keep yourself occupied when you feel the urge. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to about what you're feeling, and if that would help you, I'm around a lot, so you could PM/IM me. Other things that might help would be games, listening/writing music or reading/writing poetry. The main things is finding something you can fixate on besides harming yourself until the strongest urges die down.
  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    you should go for a ride on your bike when you feel the urge=)
  6. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    The big thing is to not focus on the fact that you've cut, but to remember that you want to stop.
    This I really need to remember. Thank you.

    When I get a new tire, and it gets a bit warmer, I will. Assuming it isn't dark... which it usually is when I want to. But I'll try.
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