dissociative substances, alcohol, passing out insights ramblings of an insomniac etc

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by HawthornePassage, Aug 8, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    it feels like to me that the stronger sense of "I" that you have, the harder it is to 'pass out' in one sense. I've heard of people passing out from relatively small shit or taking small doses of dissociatives and being completely spaced out/time dilated. Like when they give you Ketamine at the dentist and crap for pulling wisdom teeth and you dont notice the time flying by but they can 'wake you up' to give you instructions. I've personally had a rock solid sense of 'being' for as long as I can remember, even despite falling apart in many other ways. ..where one part of my brain can be horribly impaired but that 'core' is still functional until it is physically turned off. i have this core from obsessive long term introspection and analysis of the outside environment and from other peoples drunken/dissociative accounts it seems like without this 'core' the "I" is much weaker and lost more easily. however, after a 'breakdown' of the self some time ago, that 'core' seemed to get much weaker for me in many ways.

    passing out in the 'first sense' seems to me to involve losing self-awareness and information from the environment, hence time get get really distorted and lots of time can pass in an 'instant'. memory also seems to be very impaired.... this is also why I think control is lost to such a great extent in this state. ive done a bit of mild drug use (nothing like heroin or crazy shit) and Ive read about people completely passing out from nitrous oxide for example. I've done nitrous a bit here and there and personally, I huffed and I puffed pretty hard on about 10 chargers released into about 3-4 balloons worth just for the hell of it, and I hit a point within 2-3 and just did not space out any further. Despite getting really really out of breath on top of the dissociative effect of the drug, I did not 'pass out' in the first sense.

    I also have never been much of a drinker, but when I was 17 (over 5 years ago) I drank a staggering amount of vodka at some dumb ass party. i was an anti-social teenager and had never been to one, so I went completely nuts. This is where the 'second' definition of 'passing out' applies I think. Passing out in this 'other' sense I would relate to suppression of the brain thru blunt force trauma, chemical suppression, etc. But it still seems to be related to that sense of "I". I remember after I drank this stupidly large amount of alcohol....I did eventually pass out in the 'chemical suppression' sense but for a long long time I was able to maintain some level of control and high levels of awareness (and even a surprising amount of motor coordination)...perhaps actually right until my brain was 'turned off' and I passed out in the second sense. this was well over 10 shots and I had drank maybe....two? times previously to that (and much more mildly at that). I remember lying down on the couch and blacking out and I woke up 1-2 hours later vomiting....still drunk as hell but fully aware almost in a 'cold rational' way and able to force myself to maintain enough control to get up the stairs un-aided and shower the shit off. I had also been acting somewhat violent when I was getting drunker but I was aware of it and 'felt' the subconscious reasons behind it. I knew immediately this wasnt normal because I had often heard the jock idiots at school talk about parties and they would talk about how theyd end up in crazy places and have no memory of hours and hours during their party. the good thing that came out of this though is that this experience turned me off so badly from alcohol and those stupid 'get drunk off your ass parties' that I never binge drank again and refused to 'party' (eye roll) ever again. I mean fuck, I stank of smirnoff vanilla for like 3 days to myself even with showers. That shit smells awful....but thankfully this was the summer and I could just stay home and wait it out. plus, why bother getting intoxicated and risking spilling sensitive shit to a bunch of asswipes who don't give a rats ass about you or anyone?

    Whats even stranger is that six months later I had a major existential crisis/emotional breakdown in which most of my conscious 'self' seemed to be destroyed...and years after that I once drank maybe 3-4 drinks worth of alcohol....I got severely buzzed and lost emotional control very quickly. previously to the binge party when I was 17, I had drank as much as 7 shots of diluted hard liquor and did not get as drunk as I did off 3-4 glasses of wine years later. Keep in mind that I was a TEEN back then, my body should be able to metabolize the stuff at least as well given that I'm now 22.

    for the lulz, I tried to resist the propofol they used to knock me out for a shoulder surgery a few years back. thats something Id define as at least 99% 'turning your brain off'...I felt tingles within 30 seconds and bam. also im sure that much stronger dissociatives like high doses of ketamine are a different story but it doesn't change the accounts ive read. also I wonder what an LSD or aycayusha (whatever I cant spell it) trip would be like...but those are dangerous waters for me and I fear a nightmarish experience due to my past...alright enough OCD edits for awhile
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.