Dissosiative Identity Disorder: help please

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by skittles13, Dec 3, 2009.

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  1. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    (if you would to know about it there is a sticky in this forum)
    I am very worried about having this and im look for thoughts on my cituation from people who have DID for validation and understanding.

    first ill talk about my memory: its bad
    Most of the time im missing hours from my workday.
    Frequantly Im missing days out of my week
    Rarely im missing.... months
    in my childhood: im missing YEARS
    I end up places and dont know why im there
    People talk to me about coversations ive had with them that i dont remember.

    So i did the logical thing and braught it up at psych and we did a test on my memory. it came out normal... i have a perfectly fine working memory that just doesnt work sometimes for an exexplained reason.

    I have been like this for quite some time, 5-7 years.

    recently it was braught to my attention that my behavior changes in a manner were they see me not quite as a different person, but rather a different versaion of myself. and with their help ( they have the anoying habbit of namnig them....) ive been able to seperate and identify these identities

    note im a guy:
    "Phone James/Girl James" they noticed that when i talk on teh phone i take on a completly independant iddentity, that of a girl.... they have also noticed her acasionally dealing with costomers, and she is the one who drew near perfect caracatures of the people we work with one night ( i cant draw)

    she has a girls voice, her own point of view, she acts, sits, talks differently from what i know as "me". recently ive ended up dressing alot more femanin as a result of me becoming her more oftin. (also her writing is neater and she corrects errors)

    "Cloud James/ Child James"
    named cloud for the way i speak when im like this. as if im floating on a cloud, slow, low , drawn out speach in a high tone as if spoken by a child with really big self esteem isseues, unsure of any answer, scared of loads of things, very very jumpy and easily startled.

    dont know much as i tend to stay silent when im like that.

    those are teh two that show up most oftin

    variances include the state i was in when i was living with my ex gf, i kept acting like i was 30 and gained a newfie accent.

    there feels like more but its not easy to defiane them.... and i apologize i kept refering to them as if they were seperate people, but it seems like they are all me, just different versions of me.

    Im just looking for a little help determining if its worth it to present this info to my psych team ( i have hinted at it but not actually told them for fear of what they would say)

    and last but not least i Apologise for the bad spellign and grammer, the sleeping meds make it hard for me
  2. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    I am not a medical person but that sounds like classic DID to me. From what I have heard, it is difficult to find treatment that is both helpful and not manipulative. If you are fearful of the psych team you are seeing then maybe it is a good idea to hold back until you are with people you trust. Good luck, I hope you find some help.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    hiya. i had the same problems for years. your psych team probably won't help much. they are just there to medicate and monitor you when you're in a crisis. by all means tell them but where i live, in the uk, it's like you have to present yourself in a typical 'DID' way for them to diagnose you. as in show them 'cloud james' or in my case 'little sarah' and act erratically which i'm obviously not gonna do for their benefit!

    then again, loads of people do wear different masks to get along in life, especially if they are working. a type of identity is kinda expected from everyone. so 'phone call james' could be similar to my mother being 'very efficient caring socialist mother nurse' in her workplace but completely neglectful at home with her children. it's a gift to be able to do that i think!

    what i'd suggest is seeing a therapist who knows about trauma and dissociation and to help you recognise what's going on (you seem to have a good idea already) and help you feel more secure- especially with the time loss. safety is the most important i've realised. the more safe your relationship with a therapist is, it's amazing what that can do in terms of making your every day life more bearable, where you feel like you're not missing time so much in your day to day life.

    btw "cloud james" sounds similar to me when i was scared, i'd be 'floating', the little girl would be so terrified and jittery. the more "cloud james" gets more settled the better you feel, from my experience. and the less time is spent in a fog and less time is lost in your workday, which sounds frustrating! i used to be so much like that a few years ago.

    i wish you all the best. i know how disjointed, frustrating, inwardly unstable and fragile, what you're describing can feel.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2009
  4. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I have DID, BPD, PTSD, OCD and major depression.

    What I can tell you is it is scary, and frustrating, You are not alone

    I agree with this fully.
  5. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    thank you all for your input.

    one thing i dont think i have the option of is my psych team, i dont really have the option of picking and choseing who i get to see. i live in canada and out system may be free of charge but it has the drawback of being understaffed, long wait times, and complete lack of choice. hence my reason for trying to sort everythign out BEFORE i bring it to them, that way the process is easyer on me as i have alot of trust and anxiety issues as it is.

    as much as it may seem like i have it all worked out, ive spent many years to get this far on my own and i question myself at every turn :p

    as for the girl version of me originally that identity was compeltly restricted to when i was on the phone (i really really really dont like talking on the phone btw) but in recent times ive been her without the phone and even in normal everyday life. one day my mother was asking why i was in the bathroom for an hour playing with makeup, and i DO remember PART of it but not an hours worth... not even 10 minuites worth.

    alot of the time i will sudenly realise that im not quite myself and i end up fighting to stay "focused" and "here" and after that happens i spend alot of time rapidly driftin in and out of awareness not really being anybody or anything. alot of times it sends me into a panic.

    There are also times when everythign seems completly unreal and i feel that im not in control of what im saying or doing. ill become aware of it, and then without my realiseing it it will have happened again,and i can piece together wahts happened in the mean time but its like i wasnt aware of waht was going on during, only after.

    I honestly dont know what to think, what is wrong, or what to do. i dont know how to explain whats going on and i dont know if DID is what is wrong but it makes alot of sence.

    Sorry for the rant it just helps to try to put things out there and get feedback from others without fear of invalidation.
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    My overall anxiety started to get better when I started self parenting myself. I sit by myself and hug myself and talk soothingly to my little girl. I'd tell her everything is all right now. I will protect her and love her.

    She's getting better. I have an image of her in my mind (from a dream) and she was in very bad shape. She's doing much better now.

    You may want to try this with cloud james.

  7. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    my anxiety tends to be caused by an OCD level need to know and understand everything (wich makes me kind of paranoid about everything),and also when im fighting for "control" "grounding" and "focus".

    im not cloud james very oftin, and cloud james isnt always sad scared and depressed. hes just as oftin in a good mood, bieng playfull and acting like a normal kid.... wich tends to leave people thinking im very very very immature XD.

    on a side not i just had a converstaion with my ex ( the one i lived with for a year) and she told me that i would switch "personalitys" many times a day, and that i diddnt realise what was happening any of the time, and my memory would be sevearly impaired when this was happening.

    the only reason i realise now that i wasnt quite myself back then was that i ocasionally caught myself speaking in an accent and it would confuse the hell out of me. but back then i diddnt know it was happening.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah, my ED got better when i started doing that. and letting her speak because that's where the truth is. i'm so much better in a way but still struggle with memories abuse. and have been in such crisis states this year because of that but the therapist said i'm coming leaps and bounds in moving away from crises rather than falling down into them.

    skittles- needing to know and things is completely understandable. i felt the same way. i read your posts and they sound so much like what i've gone through in the past and still go through but not as severely, especially the 'not focused' part. do people think you're drunk then?

    for me personally, it's managing the anxiety, sleeping, resting, doing things that connect/love/nourish your body (make up and dressing up can be a type of that! i know that clothes and changing my appearence is a type of 'skin' containment, rather than dissociation, i'm completely awake recently), can make you feel more in control/grounded.

    i speak in different ways too! i think that's just part of a very strong young/playful part, but if you're doing things and you don't understand why, and it' confuses you- what you could ask is- is the environment you're in stressing you out? are you scared of the people around you?

    managing the fear is key in keeping yourself grounded/in control/and not losing time/not drifting.

    i hear your concerns about your psych team. by all means tell them everything, but don't expect too much- it seems the more knowledgeable/self aware you are about yourself, the more they dislike that and might see you as inventing something that isn't there. in the uk, at least, it's a lot like what you describe in canada, and they like to think they know it all and you shouldn't have any self awareness at all. and you have a lot, which i encourage- but do try and find a therapist who knows her stuff. not any old therapist. but one who specialises in trauma. i've come so far in just a few months with my present one.

    i wish you all the best. x s
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2009
  9. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    "do people think you're drunk then? "

    Not drunk but for the first little bit people always think im strung out on drugs XD that is untill them i dont do drugs and this is just the way i am.... most people just stop talking to me for the most part....

    "is the environment you're in stressing you out? are you scared of the people around you?"

    To be honest, EVERYTHING stresses me out.... i dont function all that well because of it. there are times when im always worrying about every little thing, playing scenarios over in my head repeatedly untill it just ends up causeing me to lose myself.

    i also completly lose myself at any sign of conflict, especially when it comes from authority figures. theres one boss at work that i completly avoid becuase he scares the living daylights out of me (and not for any rational reason.....).

    Im always tryign to do everythign by myself, and this whole process is just another example of that. im afraid that im just making things up to cause myself troubles and im afraid that im not making it up. reality doesnt mean anythign to me anymore... unless i can see it i cant tell if its real.... and you cant see thoughts.
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    no people think i'm on drugs/drunk a lot of the time when i'm like that too. :D

    i don't think you're making things up. i just read you post and i relate to practically everything you say. you're just describing your experiences. when it comes to a psychiatric diagnoses, i'm just warning it can be difficult to get one. and even if you did have 'DID' what would that mean? what would the therapy involved? these are questions to ask your psych team as in- do they offer specialist counselling for trauma survivors?

    you're in a process of wondering what's going on with you. and you have so much self awareness! and a good therapist will help guide/contain you and make you feel safer so you can deal with your life better. once you feel more stable/secure- the anxiety and fragility that you experience can lessen.

    what you're describing is why i can't work. i'm stressed out so badly that i behave just like yourself and it can be painful--do you get exhausted and have headaches a lot? do you ever hear things? like can you hear cloud james in your head? or does he operate without you thinking?

    your fear of people in authority might have to do with your past which is completely understandable rather than irrational.

    you do sound you're holding a lot on your shoulders- a good therapist can lessen that load and help you feel more secure.
  11. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    I dont remember trauma, dont know what classifies as trauma.

    i remember that i have always been beat up and shunned extremly badly in school, i never had any friends except the ocasional person why felt bad for me and put up with me for a short time. and one person who kept me around for amusement and to manipulate...

    my mother used to tell me how i would jsut come home from school cryign every day, but i dont remember any of that. she tells me alot of things that happened when i was little and i just dont remember now. but i dotn specifically remember any 1 event that was traumatic, but i wonder if the way i was treated when i was little by peers and family would have just amounted to one huge traumatic experiance...

    i also have extreme amounts of trouble keeping a job. and yes i do always get exauseted and have headaches especially when ive been at work for a while. its usually when im in this exauseted state were i just shut down and end up as cloud james. nothing processes anymore.

    as for hearing things, all that happens is hearing my own voice uncontrolled in my head, and thats when i end up talking to myself out loud as a means of being able to think while im like that. im not quite sure that amounts to "hearing voices" though... im terrified of exadurating my experiances and taking normal things and making them things like "hearing voices"
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can relate to that. i used to be so much like that in the past.

    thanks for replying to my questions and talking to me, it's helpful to hear someone who goes through similar things that i've been through in the past.

    what you're describing with your past, might be better worked with a therapist who helps you feel safe.
  13. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    do you have a diagnosis?
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i've had many over the years. right now i'm being assessed by my consultant, as far as i know the only diagnosis i have is anorexia nervosa (although i don't have an ED anymore) and i presume it's gonna be another BPD one (which i challenge and i don't agree with), cos they don't have a clue about me other than what i present which is very very surface and is about me looking after myself and being 'unstable' cos of the instability they present to myself.
  15. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    thats what i want to prevent, i want to present them with all the relevant information i can, thats why im so obsessed with figuring out whats going on on my own.

    but i cant solve the puzzle on my own, i just keep driving myself in circles.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    when are you hoping to see a psychiatrist? i'd be really interested in how they respond to you- if you're comfortable, i don't mind listening to anything you say through PM or through here or wherever.

    i hope the psychiatrists don't confuse you any more by making you more anxious- try and take whatever they say as a pinch of salt. you know yourself best. try and focus on what you want to happen, what treatment you'd like to have and what are the problem areas that you'd like to change. and say this to whoever is treating you and see what they say.
  17. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    i have officially been diagnosed

    Dissociative Disorder NOS
    Schizotypal Personality disorder
    Social Phobia
    Bi-polar II Disorder
    Disorder of written expression

    im not really sure how i fell about all this. i dont really agree with the bi-polar part but they make good arguments for everythign else.

    im not really sure what to do now....
  18. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    ... everyone was so interested before....
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted you to know I'm still interested. :hug: Have they talked to you at all about what your next step should be?
  20. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    my psych report says that their current goal is to teach new coping mechanisims and that im to emotionally fragile for what would be the normal treatment plan of EMDR therapy and Ego State Therapy....
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