Distractions...people tell me they'll help w/ the suicidal thoughts. It seemed to work today...for awhile, anyway. But, you can only distract yourself for so long. I spent the day working on a project, one I'm not sure I'll even make it to, b/c I've been really struggling lately. The project's only a week away, but that seems so far. I feel so bad. I want to honor my committment, but part of me just doesn't care anymore. Once I'm gone, it won't matter anyway. What got me to this point? I've always been quiet, sad, & a loner. I experienced many years of abuse by 2 different men, my father & a man who lived w/ an aunt for several years. I'm now afraid to get close to anyone. I experience frequent, severe episodes of depression. I have been hospitalized several times, once for several years in a state hospital. It's been hard to find any effective meds. I've also been in & out of therapy, but when I try to work on things, I freak out & things get worse. It's easier to avoid the painful memories. I feel like I'm such a screw-up, a bad person who deserves to suffer. I want to make a difference in someone's life, but don't know that I have anything to offer. I don't know if I can keep going on. Guess I'll have to find more distractions.