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Disturbing sexual thoughts..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by sc01706, Jun 26, 2012.

  1. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I have finally decided to open up. Ive been searching for answers but have found nothing. I hope to be able to have a mature conversion. I'll just cut to the chase. I seem to find my sister attractive. Not just pretty but sexually attractive. It's sort of been that way since I was a teenager but I'm 27 now and she's 30. Most information I find on the internet about this is people suggesting I must be from the south which I am not. I have a very close relationship with her and she is really the only person I would say I love. She is an affectionate person and every time I visit, I never leave without her hugging me. Last time I noticed I received an erection after hugging her. I would never act on any urges, but I feel absolutely worthless and disgusting to think this way but I just can't stop thinking about it. I know she must be an attractive person since she never has issues finding a boyfriend and always seems to get hit on. I guess I just notice she has a sexy body and is very pretty. It seems in Europe this is more normal but I just feel I have done something wrong. I feel guilt and shame. It's like another thing to a long list of things that's wrong with me. I've never had a girlfriend. I guess also it feels nice to have a female who isn't repulsed by me and is willing to hug me. I just don't know what to do. How do I suppress the thoughts?
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Maybe you are looking for affection and love, and arent at this moment in time finding it. But you've always had an aspect of love and care from your family and sister, and perhaps it's something you are in such need that you are bridging the voids between family love and a soul mate/partner.
    Im not sure, but she is your sister and you will feel safe, open,.. free to be you with her. I can only begin to think that maybe you are needing something, and your blurring alot of lines. Like the way we look at family members. How we think and feel about the word Sister, cousin, ect. These aren't just words, they're avatars in a sense for the connection and ways we feel for our family, and even friends. They come first, to help us build a real respectable relationship with them, while allowing us to be around them and not let other feelings and thoughts form. Like sexual thoughts.

    Perhaps I should leave it there, but I will say I think you know exactly what is causing you to feel this way. The more you talk about it, especially with someone you can trust, the more you can re-affirm things for yourself. I will say, you shouldn't aim to suppress them, you should aim to work your way to identifiy and expressing how you feel, while re-emphasising those core values you hold for your family. It's resisting and sorta guiding yourself and your feelings. I think you may be lonely, and that feeling and those thoughts are very heavy for you, and maybe it's causing so much strain that it's weakening some bonds you have so you can simply make yourself believe you can connect with them now from someone you know you can connect to on a certain level. I think when you do find someone to talk to, you need to talk about family life, what it means to you, what relationships mean to you, what you want from a partner, what sort of partner you want. What you want for your family, and for yourself. And if youre able to talk about those feelings and thoughts, you may be able to express how you truly feel and start guiding it in the appriopriate direction.

    Sorry if that wasn't written too well, but just try to remember, that youre feelings are deeper than these desires, and they're just coming out wrong. The more you can talk about it, and work to emphasise what is important to who you are, the more you will breath a comfortable life and moment for yourself, so you can express your feelings properly.

    :) .. not an easy thing to talk about. Give yourself that credit at the very, very least. That takes alot to face and you can obviously do it.
  3. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I should clarify that I don't have fantasies about having sex with her, I just notice she is a woman and is attractive. She's been the only person to support me. When we were kids my dad worked the midnight shift so he would be sleeping when we got home from school so I never had a relationship with him. My mom had some mental disorders an was never very attentive. I was always overweight and one particular time when I was 9, I came home from school after being teased and was upset. My mom said if I wasn't so fat the kids wouldn't pick on me. That made me cry and my mom didn't care. My sister was the one who comforted me. She was only 12 at the time but more mature than her age. Since then we had a close relationship since my mother has never been very nurturing. I am very lonely as she is the only friend I have. I never had a girlfriend before. I guess maybe it is more of an emotional attachment since I find she is the only person that isn't a dog or cat who seems to accept me. Sometimes I wish I could be her. I don't mean be a woman but I wish I had her outgoing personality and her ability to make friends with anyone she comes in contact with. I don't know, I just think I'm lonely and crave attention from someone other than family.
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you have a very good understanding of how you feel and how things are and have developed. Your sister sounds like a really strong and lovely person.. I know it's difficult when your parents just aren't there for you, makes you have to deal with things on your own alot which can be very isolating, especially when there are foolish people out there making life even more challenging for you.

    I know sometimes, when things are so rough and we are not getting the things/feelings we need in life, those closest to us seem like they are paradise. I can understand in general your feelings for wanting to be your sister. It's difficult, when you are having trouble with how you feel about yourself, sometimes it's just wanting that feeling of freedom. I don't know if it's like that for you, and I don't want to suggest or put ideas down here that may get in your way for you to understand and regain a foothold of yourself in this situation, but.. no matter what you matter, and you aren't all the harsh definitions you see and feel for yourself. I know it's so difficult when you haven't got something that you need, but just because you don't have it now, doesn't mean you won't have it tomorrow or in the near future. Sometimes, it takes a bit to help you remind yourself just how important you are against all the odds that going on in life. If anything, maybe your sister helps you remind you of the better parts of life and yourself that you've been able to share with her throughout your life together, letting you feel free of some of those mental chains that have accumulated over time.

    I'm not great at suggesting things to do, but the people here are very friendly from what i hear :p Idk tbh, but the things you need will come. I would say though sometimes it takes a little calm to help you re-gain and reconnect with the best parts of who you are so you can inspire and motivate yourself, and feel a strong drive to seek and bring the better parts of what life has to offer into your life. Things like that help to energise you and inturn, bring new opportunities that help to appease and calm and darker and demoralising feelings and thoughts that float about. It's about remembering and knowing you are important no matter what, and that you are in control of who you are, and your life. Atleast I kinda think so. ..
    Maybe there are some things that interest you that you can aim to explore that may bring about interactions with like minded people?
  5. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    Reading over what I wrote, I don't think I worded it properly. I'm not sexually attracted to her as in, her herself, but someone like her. When I think what my perfect girlfriend would be, she would have the same personality and look similar. It still makes me feel weird. Perhaps I strive for someone like her since she is the only woman who has ever been nice to me.
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I wrote a reply but my computer shut down. I know what you mean though by trying to express yourself, and your words coming out wrong or appearing completely differently to what you mean.

    Perhaps you do, as she does seem to share alot of values that make you feel comfortable and that you probably admire and feel respect in. It comes to more seperating those values in what you see in a potential person or partner from your sister. And realising that those things you admire in your sister are something that perhaps you need to re-evalute slightly so you can sorta admire her for who she is and her characteristics, but always be holding true to the fact that she is family. There's nothing wrong with saying your sister, brother, aunt ect are beautiful and have a lovely personality, and that you want someone to have something similar. But at that point you're talking more about a generic characteristic that you admire or want. You have to apply that want away from your family and retain the fact that your family is what it is.
    I think you more or less have the right idea, it just may be dealing with those feelings that come before thoughts and words come into play. If it is, that comes through talking, and generally, a rather slow talk with someone you know you can always contact so you can begin to create a foundation to put things in the right order for yourself. I'm sorry if I've written anything that's not how it is for you. If I have I do very much apologise.
    I do think though that if you're blurring the lines between family and wanting a partner, you need to re-affirm what family means to you in some sense. Really looking into what you want from a partner is a nice way of doing it though, it may help you to strengthen that seperation that should be there. Though if there are feelings that are a bit beyond that, you may have to dwell a bit deeper, and talking with someone you can trust is a good place to start. But if you do, be gentle about it, cause I have no doubt that it's just because of how close you two have been, and you feel like you can trust her to a degree that maybe you don't feel you can with other people. idk though.
  7. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    sc, I have been in two relationships with men who had acted on their sexual feelings for their sisters and over quite a period of time. To the men it was purely sexual in nature and they did not take their sister's feelings into account or what they were doing to her psychologically nor did they care. She was just a sexual object to them. Please don't act on it. As a victim of incest myself, I can't tell you the amt. of damage it has done to me. I think it is really healthy you are able to let it all hang out and are completely honest about it. Abusers are secretive, so I think you are really healthy for coming forth. Just see her as one more beautiful thing in the world, like a painting or flower. The damage to a woman/girl/child/ of incest lasts a lifetime.
  8. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I really think you're blowing this out of proportion.

    None of this sounds particularly abnormal to me. Mothers actually dream about having sex with their own children sometimes… it doesn't necessarily mean that they want to do it. Sometimes it just means that someone is bringing you pleasure in life (non-sexual). Furthermore none of these feelings you're describing seem violent, predatory, or disturbing… it doesn't sound like you're getting off on the fact that she's your sister so much as you're attracted to her because she's a caring female presence in your life. Even if you do find her physically attractive, I don't think that there's anything wrong with that either, and none of this makes you an abuser or even really a potential abuser, except in the way that pretty much everyone is a potential abuser.

    People used to write songs about how they wanted to marry girls who were exactly like their mother… it's only recently that this whole culture of victims has popped up and made everyone worry that every single taboo thought in their head is a sign that they're some sort of inhuman monster. Stop worrying about this kind of thing, because the more you worry about it the more you're going to start seeing yourself as something you're not. You're not going to act on it, so no harm done.
  9. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I have no desire to have sex with her. I don't want to hurt her. I just noticed that she is an attractive woman and for some reason I feel guilty or I did something wrong by noticing she is attractive. Being that she is an affectionate person, she's always hugging people and I like it when she hugs me. No one else hugs me and it feels good, especially when it's from a woman.
  10. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    You have nothing to feel guilty about then. In normal, healthy families, brothers and sisters do hug each other and find comfort in each other.
  11. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I had a massive sexual crush on my sister in my teens and 20's though after I became involved in a relationhip it faded somewhat, I have to say I still fancy the pants off her....don't feel bad about it, it happens, just don't take it any further than a fantasy......and go find yourself a woman!
  12. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Firstly, bravo for admitting and talking about your feelings. I agree that it is probable that you are seeking care and affection, and are projecting that onto your sister as she is there for you. I have had inappropriate thoughts before and known that I would never act on them, its just that sometimes, when I get desperate, I feel desperate!

    I do not think you are abnormal, or disgusting, or wrong. I think it is understandable. And I am also pleased to see that you have a good insight into your feelings. I think that when (as I'm sure you will) you find someone out there to focus that on, you will no longer feel that it is 'disturbing'.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I think it's pretty natural to be attracted to someone who is like our own relatives. Siblings share about 50% of the same DNA and it's pretty natural that you would find her attractive. What is unnatural would be to have an incestuous relationship with her. I think you need to find someone who has similar qualities as her. Just don't make the mistake of calling out your sister's name when you have sex with your girlfriend. Lol.