disturbingly me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by overwhleming, Sep 11, 2006.

  1. overwhleming

    overwhleming Active Member

    Everybody says depression cause lost of interest, etc. THat doesnt cut it. Its the life that sux. Its this life that depresses me. I wish i never born. So i dont have to feel guilty or explain myself, and try to make things better when everything went sour. I tried to talk myself out of this shit, it didnt work. I try to be alone, my parents bothered me to no end. I try to be angry but my face start to feel being restrained, my legs felt like casted in lead. My lips cracked. Im a fukin ** years old with little sex drive, i had to mastubate or i will be so restless that i might hurt some else. I dont have any great experience that suppose to change me, all my youth just went sour and absorbed by abyss. Ive been plain down in the dumps for years too long and too confusing to think about. Most shamefully, i've been treating myself like dirt in my depressed mood. I've been hiding myself inside men bathroom because i was too tired and sick of sitting on benches at schooll lunch and having to face all ppl i resent because they have friends, etc and was happy enough to be igorant and vain and brag. So I never went to prom, never have yearbook photos in high school taken. I was a nobody, real nobody. I was so weird ppl dont know what to make of me, im not some feeble lookin individual and i dot not fit into any steretype so ppl simply didnt know what to think of me. I never spoke to anyone for three years, they dont even whisper back my back or if they did i would know cuz i was avoiding everyone. Everybody else went on with their lives, but im stuck because some fukin morons ruined my life. I myself included, cuz of this shit of self esteem and this anger yet do nothing attitude. In short i should die already but i feel worthless to even take my own life. So wtf should i do then? I cant seem to think of anything not appall me right now. Pm me if you have something private or harsh to say(like encourage me to die), if enough ppl do this i might do it. Im sick of this, life is not fair( or im selfish, either way i should die), but why i have to be so fair and not like some fukin psycho who can instead take out on other ppl. Why do i have to be the one going through this, maybe i deserve to die than, maybe its fate, that i feel like joke or outcast. who knows? who can say other wise, im more worthless by writing all this. Everything let me feel down. Yet i've no source of help. No friends, no supportive relative, no anything except my diginity, which i exhausted for years and i dont want know why i bothered(diginity i tried to preserve, so I didnt reach out for help). I feel pathetic about suicide, its not me that die if i go through it, its some pathetic wrench that world has made of me. Im sick of tired of being alone and stand ground against unseen yet forecious forces. Other ppl have other ppl, who they can at least share something with, im all myself all these years. So now i blames everything, which changes nothing.

    When i start down the hopeless path
    its was hopeless
    still was
    still is
    when the road ends
    how should i feel when it does
    being hopeless
    is hopeless
    brooding about past
    dread of future
  2. Lavendere

    Lavendere Active Member

    I've been like that sometimes, I'm not gonna say that I know how you feel because i know you know that you feel like you're the only one that felt something like that. Well I guess I've felt something similar.
    This song makes me feel better:

    ....Some people think they're always right
    Others are quiet and uptight
    Others, they seem so very nice nice nice nice (echo), oh
    Inside they might feel sad and wrong

    Twenty-Hundred different attributes
    Always not the kind you like, oh
    Twenty ways to see the world, oh
    Twenty ways to start a fight, oh...
    And countless tired religions too
    It doesn't matter which you choose (oh no)
    One stubborn way to turn your back, oh
    I guess I've tried and I refuse, oh...

    Strokes~you only live once
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi overwhleming, no one here is going to say anthing harsh to you nor encourage you to die... we are here to listen and support you.

    Is this the cause of your pain, would you like to talk about it here or in pm?