Do bullies know what they do in the long run?

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by _Terry_, Oct 14, 2010.

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  1. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    I've been bullied my whole life. Even at the age of 24, I get bullied at the jobs I work at. I feel like I'm some sort of bully magnet. I've been bullied by coworkers at every job since I've graduated from high school. Bullying messed me up so bad that by the 6th grade I had completely clammed up. Nobody wanted a part of me. Trying to make friends was impossible. Even if tried, I would always get rejected. And lot of times it would even lead to more bullying and humiliation. Even to this day, talking isn't even a natural thing for me because of how clammed up I am. It's hard for me to get anything out. Even though I got good grades in school, my self-confidence and self-esteem are literally non-existent at this point. This makes me wonder if bullies even know what they do to someone's life, not just in the immediate sense(such as remembering when they beat you up when you were 13 or something), but also what it does to your life as a whole.

    At 12 years old my self-worth had completely diminished. Did I socialize before school, during passing periods, or after school? No. When one class was over I walked straight to my locker, got my books for the next class, went to the next class and sat down and waited for class to start, usually getting there way before anyone else. I never tried to be social with anyone because the result would always be rejection. Living my entire life as an outcast has played a significant role in my adult life and it will continue to do so until the day I die.

    I wish they could see what it does. I didn't have the confidence in myself to go to college because I thought that I would fail at it so there goes any type of decent paying job. I still live at home with my parents and this last year has been the worst since graduating from high school because even at my last job I was being bullied and I couldn't take it anymore so I quit. They make my life miserable at work, which then makes my life miserable when I'm out of work because I'm out of a paycheck if I quit. Bullies target me everywhere I go, so no matter what my life will be miserable. I've never had a girlfriend, and with the way I'm living now and knowing that things probably won't get better, I probably won't ever find anyone to spend my life with. At least the bullies had friends when they were younger and now have somebody to be with, and they are able to interact with people fluently. I'll never be considered a good provider by a woman because they know I don't have any self-confidence and I can't even support myself, so I'll probably never get married.

    So given all the information from my experience(and I know some of you who were also bullied can relate), do bullies know what they do to your life as a whole? Do they look at all the opportunities that take away from you by making you an outcast?

    Instead of being able to afford a new car or even a late model car, you end up buying every car you ever own from a "buy here, pay here" lot.
    Instead of getting married in your prime, you get married when you're 45, but more than likely because you and the person you met are so lonely, or possibly because the other person feels so sorry for you(which btw, I don't even have hopes for this).
    Instead of being able to afford things like taking your family on a vacation somewhere once or twice a year(and I'm not talking family reunions, I'm talking the "getaway" types) because you have a decent paying job, you live paycheck to paycheck.

    Another thing I find to be extremely hard to do is interacting with others. Whether it's one-on-one or in a group, I'm so socially awkward. I'm always scared I'm going to say something that's stupid or irrelevant, and a lot of times I do in fact get looks from people like what I said was left field or "why did he mention that", or "you're getting defensive" or something. Of course, this is on the rare occasions that I actually do speak, since most of the time I don't.

    Basically, I'm completely dead on the inside. I have no want to go on living because I know that if I don't kill myself I'm going to live to be some 75 year old man evicted from my apartment/house, and on a winter night at a homeless shelter I'll be freezing my butt off when I'm on my last breathes wondering why I didn't just kill myself 50 years ago. The only reason I keep going on is because my sister has moved away and my mom is under a depression and killing myself would be devastating to her. But after that, I don't think I'll have any other reason for living. I'll never be able to interact with others. I'll never have a decent paying job. I'll never find someone to be with because I can't even support myself. If I even had at least one of those abilities I would feel like I had something to live for, but it's gotten so bad and I know for sure, none of that stuff will ever be there. The only thing I can look forward to is working. People tell me "we work to live, not live to work", but the route I'm going, that's what will end up happening.

    When the parents of those bullies dropped their kids off at school and saw their kid walk into the school, did they think about who that was getting out of that car and what they did after they walked through those doors? Do they not care if their kid is tormenting someone and is being one of the many bullies who are shaping the future of an outcast? The outcast who's confidence, esteem, and self-worth have completely diminished and what the impact of that will be on that person's life? If I'd have to guess, I'd say no. Parents are very protective of their children and they want to believe that their child is an angel. But the parents of the kids that bullied me didn't know the pack of wolves they were letting out. They didn't know their kids were turning someone into some sort of freak.

    I've been crying daily for the last 6 months. Sometimes I have to cover my head with my pillow because I don't want my mom to hear me, and she doesn't know that the only reason I'm still here is because she's still here. Every night I wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. I just wish that I no longer existed, and that I could just turn to dirt, because that's what feel like. Bullying did not make me tough. It didn't prepare me for life. It didn't prepare me for the problems of adulthood. Some people believe it does, but I know it doesn't.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Being bullied is awful but is the disorder of the bully not the victim...have you spoken to anyone to see what can be done? Know that you are valuable and this is NOT is the horrible actions of ppl who are so insecure and mean...J
  3. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    Hello Terry
    to answer your question I can only speak for myself...yes my bullyes did know how bad it affected me to the minutest detail, most times i felt the only people that understood me where them, which is a horrible feeling. They pretty much shaped my persona and my life.
    Now I don't even have the nerve anymore to look for a job even though we are poor and i should.

    They may be deranged but i know i had serious issues too,and no one liked me, to be fair. But am sure each experience is different.

    btw congrats for being able to work Terry
    i just dont have the nerve anymore to face people
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2010
  4. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    Hello Terry
    to answer your question I can only speak for myself...yes my bullyes did know how bad it affected me to the minutest detail, most times i felt the only people that understood me where them, which is a horrible feeling. They pretty much shaped my persona and my life.
    Now I don't even have the nerve anymore to look for a job even though we are poor and i should.

    They may be deranged but i know i had serious issues too,and no one liked me, to be fair. But am sure each experience is different.

    btw congrats for being able to work terry
    i just dont have the nerve anymore to face people
  5. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    ups, sorry, doublepost
    i keep get logged out and guess i send the information again by accident
  6. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    Thanks for your replies.

    Sunshinesblack, I can sort of relate with that with my current situation.

    Something I didn't mention in my original post was I've actually been unemployed for the past year. The only motivation I have to work is because if I don't I'm going to run out of money, which I'm very close to. My savings are very low now. My dad thinks I'm lazy and I'm sure when others hear how long I've been without a job, that's what most of them believe themselves. My depression has gotten so bad it's hard for me to even get out of bed. That by itself takes time away from looking for a job.

    It's absolutely true that every job I go to, I get targeted by people. There's just something about me that causes people to do that. Probably because I'm an easy target who they can let their anger out on. I have to look around myself everyday and see all the people talking to each, seeing how natural it is for them. Talking is not a natural thing for me and it never will be. And talking is one of the most common things humans do.

    When I was a kid I was very into computers, mostly computer programming, and I still am today. I know a lot about computers, but without a degree it's not possible for me to get a job in that field. When I was a kid I dreamed of going to college and majoring in computer science and start my own software company after spending some time in the field so I could take care of my parents when I got older. I see my parents leave for work every morning and I know I'll never be able to give that to them. They're gonna have to work until they die.

    I'm sitting here now wishing I was dead all because some people wanted to be cool, or prove how tough they were, or wanted attention. My pain was the price for them to belong and it could go on to cost me my life. People tell me I have my whole life ahead of me and things will get better, but some of us know when we've reached the point of no return, no recovery. There's no point for me to live if there's not even one thing in this life that makes me happy. There has to be something there for me to go on. I don't want the only thing I can look forward to in life is work. Even if it's someone I can come home to and be with, I'd have something to live for, but I can't even talk to people, nor can I even provide for myself, so I'll never be able to. It amazes me all the silly things people talk about, and sometimes I wonder how they even talk about such a such a thing. It's not even conceivable to me some of the weird things people talk about. Weird to me of course, but not them, because they learned the lingo behind such conversations. They had the friends to go out with and fun stuff to do when they were younger.

    Even when I went into kindergarten I had no want or need to call someone names, or exclude someone, or put my hands on them. I've never taken joy in making someone else's life miserable. But there's some people out there that it's almost second nature, and it's something they do regularly, and it becomes so natural to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm just surrounded by a bunch of robots. What's going on inside of that head of theirs when they go so far as to insult someone or put their hands on them? Now all I wonder is where I would be headed had I taken a path where I was included in on things and been sociable with people. Surely my self-worth and self-confidence would be a lot higher than it is now. There would be a lot more opportunities for me right now had I not been an outcast my whole life.
  7. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    oh, sorry to hear, yah I feel the same regarding the worth of reducing ones existence to only work. Also tried job where the art director went to school with me and could not take it. I also remember feeling alone and scared because i was not as cruel as the other kids, and seeing other people talk so much made me from annoyed to amazed. I also was a lot more sensitive so I guess that made it unbearable.I remember kindergarten teachers telling my mom I was very altruistic but needed encouragement to socialize. Dunno what that meant.

    But I also had my dreams till a few years ago. However what got to me was not people around me being meaner than me I always dreamed id get away and find people that appreciate me and my dreams but I dont look good/ok and that topped it. I think if i felt I look normal I would walk around till I found someone like me. Ive been anorexic due to my long isolation and it has took its toll ...not that i looked good before that.

    I am not in your place so cant say but I think there are a lot of girls out there that would gladly have a nice decent guy around and they may not be that bad.They jut may be like you. Like I knew this person online who also had social issues and would date girls found online by the same traits, like social anxiety and he seamed pretty contempt on the aspect he would usually dread not having male friends. Yah it wont make you normal but you still can enjoy your life somewhat, and look for some meaning in it.

    Also I think you can look for remote jobs on freelace sites. I am doing that but its really competitive and i only got very low pay but its something and some seam to make it and there is no bullying cause you talk to your employers thro the internet and they r not that preoccupied with u, lol. Also heard/see some people manage to make a living out of it, not well off but okeysh. It also has the great advantage you can take up jobs when you are in the shape for it, so if you have a down week you just dont bid and nothing happens, you don't get fired. Yet also I am still to get much jobs there but i guess it depends strictly on ones own capacity of doing the job and profesionalism ..... computers and codeing seams very requested and there is also simple data entry i am going to look in. You also dont need a degree(even though a lot there have one but its not mandatory) just ...lots of talent or determination...
  8. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    I was bullied when I was younger, I got into karate at age 12 which stopped bullying. Is it possible for bullies to know their ruining their entire life and ruining all your opportunities, no the brain can not do that until it fully matures.
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I have to disagree on that point, Aaron. At five, someone is capable of understanding that if you hurt someone, they feel pain.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Terry...Oooh don't I despise bullies...I'm sorry you've had this happen to you...
    Are you seeing a doctor or therapist at all?
    maybe do a course in assertiveness or get a therapist to teach you..
    Did you ever report the bullies?
    I believe that's the only way to stop them...
    and yes I think they seem to know exactly what they're doing and they love destroying others.
  11. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    Sorry this happened to you. I've been bullied my whole life and yes, some know what they are doing to someone (one of my bullies once told me they did) I'm sure this isn't the case for all of course. I agree with IV, I did an assertiveness thing with a councillor and it really helped me.
  12. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I was bullied all through school and in my first job. My manager told me once i was too fat to get in a mini as i would break the suspention. I left after she told every one it was a joke and i had laughed as well.
    I dont get bullied any more but i am ridiculed and my opinions laughed at and ignored. They call it respect and banter.
    The worse thing for me is i think my bullies have totallyforgotten what they did to me. I still see some and they try to talk to me like nothing happened and we were friends at school, like i didnt matter.
    I hate bullies:mad:
  13. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    Hi Terry,

    Yes, bullies know what they are doing or else they wouldn't be doing it!!! I, too, was bullied all the way from kindergarden all the way to college. Teachers, so-called friends, professors, and co-workers have bullied me. They enjoy the power they get from hurting another person. The effects are life-long. Unfortunately, it is only recently that child psychiatrists and psychologists acknowledge bullying as a type of child abuse with damaging effects. As recent as 10 years ago, I've had therapists tell me my bullying history was "nothing" and that it bothered me only because I was weak:unsure:. Safe hugs come your way...

  14. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member

    Sorry, but ridicule is a type of emotional abuse (I was mocked and shamed in school), so you are being bullied.

  15. Ava

    Ava Member

    I think when they are younger, probably not. It's easy to get caught up in a wave of immaturity and do things you are ashamed of. I am not minimizing what they do though. Bullying can lead to heartbreaking situations that impact someone's life forever.
  16. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    The question is do they care?
    Are bullies even interested with introspective thought,taking time out to think about how their actions have affected others?
    If an abuser can take what they want from you in order to feel satisfaction then why on earth would they bother?
    Why would they bother unless you became more powerful than they were?
    You can't do anything back to them.
    You're not as threat therefore you don't exist as a real person.

    Thugs may not even be capable of initiating their own genuine empathic responses,so how would they be able to reach any honest emotional conclusions about how their behaviour may have harmed someone in the past or come to harm them in the future?
    Short term or long term,why care?
    If a bully feels they have done nothing wrong then they have done nothing wrong...they may in fact end up coming to the conclusion that they were the one being wronged and had been compelled to act in self defense.

    As for reasoning,who do you expect would approach a bully and attempt to discuss with them about how wrong their actions were?
    How well would that effort go?
    Hello,I've come to talk with you about being your next victim.

    Do not expect these individuals to schedule some time out from their conquest of everything and everyone in order to sit down and think outside of themself about you.
    Unless it is to see the wrong in you.
  17. spiritxfade

    spiritxfade Well-Known Member

    I was only bullied for a couple years. I managed to avoid the girl who bullied me after that.

    I don't think she knew she was bullying me, never mind the effect it had on me.

    Sometimes, I wish I could tell her exactly how she made me feel- like shit. But I don't. Why? Because I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing how she made me feel, if she meant to do it. I'm not taking that risk.
  18. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear you've had such an awful experience with bullies, and I hope that you can beat it eventually!

    I myself was bullied from the age of 6, till about a year ago when I turned 16. I've no doubt my minimal self-esteem and self-worth is down to the torture. I also assume my fear of needles being so extreme is down to the bullies, as I was once stabbed with a needle. It was not a pleasant experience.

    I guess, when I turn 14, I began to work out, and build up muscle bulk and by the time I turned 16, I was a reasonable size, but I still wouldn't retaliate, because I knew deep inside I'm better than them. However, one day something just... snapped. When I snapped, I went 'apeshit' so to speak. I beat them to hell. Not the best reaction, but all the 'bullies' I know, that know about that, won't come near me. I know that the bully I did that to will cross a road to avoid me. I mean, it's not good at times when you have people like that fearing you. I shouldn't have ever retaliated that way, but the same guy had been doing it, non-stop for ten years, I'm going to snap eventually.

    I just hope that the bullies begin to care soon, and stop. Because bullying is wrong and unfair, and Terry, you have my support, and my ears if (well eyes ^^) if you ever want to unload. Just drop me a PM :)

  19. xToxThexGravex

    xToxThexGravex Well-Known Member

    No they don't, and let me tell you why. As long as they get their rocks off on the abuse and belittlement of others due to their inability to cope with their cockish self-loathing, as well as their inability to accept responsibility when they find themselves six feet underground, they will never change.

    Fuck, they could grow up to become Christian missionaries- god forbid- but it wouldn't matter. Deep down, you'll know that they're the same scum-sucking bastards that feed on the destruction of others.

    I empathize with you. I know how it is. Just gotta stand up and fight them to the end.
  20. frypan367

    frypan367 Well-Known Member

    They know what they are doing at the time. not only don't they care, they enjoy it and would do it again. I have never in my life received even an im sorry from anyone who bullied me.
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