I've been bullied my whole life. Even at the age of 24, I get bullied at the jobs I work at. I feel like I'm some sort of bully magnet. I've been bullied by coworkers at every job since I've graduated from high school. Bullying messed me up so bad that by the 6th grade I had completely clammed up. Nobody wanted a part of me. Trying to make friends was impossible. Even if tried, I would always get rejected. And lot of times it would even lead to more bullying and humiliation. Even to this day, talking isn't even a natural thing for me because of how clammed up I am. It's hard for me to get anything out. Even though I got good grades in school, my self-confidence and self-esteem are literally non-existent at this point. This makes me wonder if bullies even know what they do to someone's life, not just in the immediate sense(such as remembering when they beat you up when you were 13 or something), but also what it does to your life as a whole. At 12 years old my self-worth had completely diminished. Did I socialize before school, during passing periods, or after school? No. When one class was over I walked straight to my locker, got my books for the next class, went to the next class and sat down and waited for class to start, usually getting there way before anyone else. I never tried to be social with anyone because the result would always be rejection. Living my entire life as an outcast has played a significant role in my adult life and it will continue to do so until the day I die. I wish they could see what it does. I didn't have the confidence in myself to go to college because I thought that I would fail at it so there goes any type of decent paying job. I still live at home with my parents and this last year has been the worst since graduating from high school because even at my last job I was being bullied and I couldn't take it anymore so I quit. They make my life miserable at work, which then makes my life miserable when I'm out of work because I'm out of a paycheck if I quit. Bullies target me everywhere I go, so no matter what my life will be miserable. I've never had a girlfriend, and with the way I'm living now and knowing that things probably won't get better, I probably won't ever find anyone to spend my life with. At least the bullies had friends when they were younger and now have somebody to be with, and they are able to interact with people fluently. I'll never be considered a good provider by a woman because they know I don't have any self-confidence and I can't even support myself, so I'll probably never get married. So given all the information from my experience(and I know some of you who were also bullied can relate), do bullies know what they do to your life as a whole? Do they look at all the opportunities that take away from you by making you an outcast? Instead of being able to afford a new car or even a late model car, you end up buying every car you ever own from a "buy here, pay here" lot. Instead of getting married in your prime, you get married when you're 45, but more than likely because you and the person you met are so lonely, or possibly because the other person feels so sorry for you(which btw, I don't even have hopes for this). Instead of being able to afford things like taking your family on a vacation somewhere once or twice a year(and I'm not talking family reunions, I'm talking the "getaway" types) because you have a decent paying job, you live paycheck to paycheck. Another thing I find to be extremely hard to do is interacting with others. Whether it's one-on-one or in a group, I'm so socially awkward. I'm always scared I'm going to say something that's stupid or irrelevant, and a lot of times I do in fact get looks from people like what I said was left field or "why did he mention that", or "you're getting defensive" or something. Of course, this is on the rare occasions that I actually do speak, since most of the time I don't. Basically, I'm completely dead on the inside. I have no want to go on living because I know that if I don't kill myself I'm going to live to be some 75 year old man evicted from my apartment/house, and on a winter night at a homeless shelter I'll be freezing my butt off when I'm on my last breathes wondering why I didn't just kill myself 50 years ago. The only reason I keep going on is because my sister has moved away and my mom is under a depression and killing myself would be devastating to her. But after that, I don't think I'll have any other reason for living. I'll never be able to interact with others. I'll never have a decent paying job. I'll never find someone to be with because I can't even support myself. If I even had at least one of those abilities I would feel like I had something to live for, but it's gotten so bad and I know for sure, none of that stuff will ever be there. The only thing I can look forward to is working. People tell me "we work to live, not live to work", but the route I'm going, that's what will end up happening. When the parents of those bullies dropped their kids off at school and saw their kid walk into the school, did they think about who that was getting out of that car and what they did after they walked through those doors? Do they not care if their kid is tormenting someone and is being one of the many bullies who are shaping the future of an outcast? The outcast who's confidence, esteem, and self-worth have completely diminished and what the impact of that will be on that person's life? If I'd have to guess, I'd say no. Parents are very protective of their children and they want to believe that their child is an angel. But the parents of the kids that bullied me didn't know the pack of wolves they were letting out. They didn't know their kids were turning someone into some sort of freak. I've been crying daily for the last 6 months. Sometimes I have to cover my head with my pillow because I don't want my mom to hear me, and she doesn't know that the only reason I'm still here is because she's still here. Every night I wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. I just wish that I no longer existed, and that I could just turn to dirt, because that's what feel like. Bullying did not make me tough. It didn't prepare me for life. It didn't prepare me for the problems of adulthood. Some people believe it does, but I know it doesn't.