Do good memories make you sad?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Jul 5, 2009.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I just find myself thinking about how I used to be happy, how I used to want to live and how I was not suicidal. When I think of these good memories it makes me feel really suicidal because I know I can never go back to how things were.

    I just wish I could turn back time and freeze it. I guess it doesn't matter anyway you can't freeze time, everything, all things must end.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    No matter what the past looks like you never go back there. Even those that do not suffer from depression or MI or trauma related issues. No one can have exactly what they had in the past. If you can remember what happy feels like, then you can find it again in the future. If you don't, you atill have a chance to rediscover it. Sometimes the good memories make me sad because they are of people in my life that I have lost and I miss their presence. So yeah, I guess they can make me sad.
  3. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    I don't really have any good memories. If I did I think they might give me a little hope because I would know that some happiness is possible for me. So actually not having any good memories makes me sad.
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    i have no good memories, it makes me sad to look back at the past of what could have been had i not destroyed my life
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean! The memories of who I used to be is so sad as I don't see myself being that person again.

    What gentlelady said is so true to me. The Bhuddhist have a saying
    "you can not step in the same river twice"
    When you think about it this is so true even if it is the same spot on the shore. The water is different, the little animals in there are different, the rocks a little smoother from the constant flow of tiny bits of sand carried in the water brushing over the rock day after day , maybe the river a little deeper as over time the water has craved it's path deeper into the Earth, maybe too the water is more pure than before as the continuous flow of water has slowly but steadily carried the muck away.
    I know I can not go back but I sure do get sad and cry when I think back to what I once was, how I used to smile and laugh, how I was once wanted by friends and family and how there was a time my life had meaning. The last few days I have been muttering to myself how I can not believe my life has come to this and I will admit that brings me to closer to the edge.
  6. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    I can totally relate. I try not to think of the past but it's hard not to. In the past two years I've gone from having a lucrative career, lots of friends, and because I made really good money I was always travelling and doing fun stuff. I actually travelled to NYC, Boston, and Baltimore to do flying trapeze (yes, like the circus) several times. I look back now and I don't even know my old self. I was always the "postive" one who could lift someones spirits up and today I'm unemployed (had to quit my last job due to severe depression), have no friends, my ex-boyfriend actually dumped me because I was always so depressed. I can't believe someone could be so cruel!! And the ironic thing is that he is a recovering addict (as I am), brags about being "clean" for 8 years and then turns around and rejects me even though he knows I have no other support system.

    I'm constantly reminded not to dwell on the past, but how can I not when I've gone from making almost six figures and driving a decent car to being basically destitue and driving a "beater" car. All I can seem to do is and wonder how in the heck I ever got myself into this situation??

    Anyway, I'm rambling but I totally can relate.

  7. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Yes! I have the same exact feeling - I can't beleive what my current life is like my reality. Sometimes in the early morning right before I wake up I'll have a vivid dream of my dad, or a distant past memory of when I was happy, like I'll be in high school or I'll be like 3-5 years younger and when I wake up it takes me like 5 seconds to realize that my dad is dead, and how I haven't had any friends in a long time and just how terrible my life is.

    Those mornings happen often, its like 3 seconds of euphoria waking up I'm so relaxed, and my dreams really make me feel good, but then reality takes them away and I end up feeling worse then I did the night before...

    I just can't beleive the things that have happened in this past year. I can't beleive nor can I accept everything that has happened this past year. Its mostly the little things, I know it sounds like a meaningless cliche, but its true, its the little things in life that matter.

    I don't think I'll be here much longer I've been afraid to kill myself, I have the tools I just am afraid. But I've been experimenting with mind-altering drugs and I know I can alleve the fear now. That makes me a coward if I continue to live, I have not committed suicide simply because of fear of what comes after death. But everything just seems so meaningless. I mean even if there is a place like heaven where do all the animals go? And what about babies that die? And ants, ones that may get stepped on by a person and live for only a few seconds. I mean what if I were an ant...

    I'm just so confused. I'm in constant turmoil at my house with family members. (I'm applied and was accepted to a school away from my home but thats starting the fall and is at least 1.5 months away.) I mean I'm so upset I don't even want to come home for any holidays at all because I would have to see certain family members that I have this rage against because of things they have, and have not done in the past.

    I find myself so afraid of dying that I will plan a time for my suicide and then during the days leading up to it, I will slowly realize I won't ahve the guts to do it. Like right now I have my suicide planned, but even as I right this I bounce back and forth between donig it or not doin it.

    I mean if I had no one in this life that cares about me (sincerely cares) then what is the point of living? If I'm going to be in more pain the rest of my life because of an inability to deal with memories wouldn't it be better I end it? I mean 4 years ago I didn't have terrible memories, and I always thought suicide was some thing only a crazy person would do, like it was so unbeleivable to me, I just would never have imagined that I would be suicidal, this is what I was saying before, I just can't beleive what my life is like now.

    I don't know if this is making me better or worse talking about I have a lot of pain, things that COULD be resolved or fixed, or at least made to reduce the pain and I just lack the thought process in determining how to make my life better because I'm in the middle of the pain and its hard to judge when your judgement is impaired (from the pain).

    I'd like to talk to someone, where I could go in depth about very specific things. But then I either get upset at the persons response, or if they side with me I feel like what they say doesn't mean anything because I need to give them more information then is possible by writing, or even talking to someone. Like I need an "insider" someone in my family or close friend that I could empathize with me who actually has seen my dad ill and the terrors of it, or how terrible few of my family members can act and get away with it. The problem is there is no rock, theres no one in my family that I really look up to, theres not someone whom will enforce the "rules of decency" no one in my family has all of the following traits in resolving or seeing someone doing something wrong: Compassion, Empathy, Objectivity, Reasonable Judgment, Sincere want to resolve the problem.

    I feel, no I know I have no one. Sure I have a biological family and live with whats left of them. But I hate them. Not all of them, just a select few. And its my inability to deal with this rage that makes me suicidal. And heres something like I feel is wrong, I'm mad at my dad. Like I'm really really mad at him even though hes dead, but at the same time I miss him. But I'm just so enraged at him, and this makes me feel terrible.

    There were some MAJOR problems like 1-2 weeks before he died (ones both relating, and not relating to his death) and I am just so made at the decisions he made, and the way he responded.

    I have like 20 "close" family members and out of those I am mad at 7 of them. Now I have lots of cousins not included in the 20 so its more like mabye 30-50, but still I find when I say I'm mad at so many people (7) that people may think its me with the problem. But then I think how these people all have the same genes, they are all from the same family, (but not all 7 are related to each person). I think my family is dysfunctional.

    Is there an online psychologist I could speak with? Or was someone here willing to read all this? I have some specific problems I'd like to talk about and I can't do it in person. If someone read this here I can't PM (undermoderation) but if you would e-mail me or just reccomend some kind of organization that accepts online chat, or mabye I'd go in-person to just talk to someone.

    Also I would never tell someone I'm going to kill myself. If I do it I would make sure no one knows I'm about to do it, because my idea is to seek help and see if theres any possible way out fo this reality, if theres not then I would be, (and am partly) determined to kill myself. I know I can do it, its science, I just don't know if I should.. Unlike science no matter how many books I read on philosophy or theology I am unable to find the answer I'm looking for....

    Thanks for reading this...
  8. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    It really depends on the memory. Happy times with my family always depress me, cause that was when i was young. That was before reality stepped in and fucked everyone, including me, upside the head.

    But then I look at happy times with my girlfriend, and i dunno, i guess they give some dim light of hope when things are going well. When things arent going well between us, or im stuck in my mind, the happiness seems like a myth, maybe it happened once, but never quite like its remembered. Maybe it never was true in the first place.

    I dunno, thats how i feel about it.
  9. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    I just try not to remember anymore. The good things make me sad and the bad things make me sadder.
  10. pisces

    pisces New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Depends on my mood really but they usually cheer me up
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, when i remember the time when i was happy and things were easy i get a lil sad, because things are so different and harder now. But other good memories make me happy. It just depends on what i'm thinking of at the time.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Yes they do. More mad at myself than sad though. I screwed up a good life I had infront of me.
  13. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    Yes, most times.
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i was thinking of my ex gf, the times where we enjoyed each other's company. there's slight nostalgia but that's it. i don't feel much but sometimes i hear some sad ballad or something when i think of her face and smile :dunno: i find myself worrying if she's alive and ok when i pass her road on the bus- then wonder where she is, and wonder what she'd think of me now. i'm really very well considering, and am experiencing what my ED means for me through what i'mg oing through which she tried to shut up for so long.
  15. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Good memories make me sad. I remember some rare happy moments in my life, and i just wish to go back and live those moments again and again and again... Its usually some minor things that make you happy, little things that make life happy, or some really important moments. Either way, i miss them... And it hurts i will never have moments like those again. :sad:

    In fact, just reading this thread made me sad, it made me think about those moments....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2009
  16. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Yes, normally they do. I remember my early childhood, it was great. So great... Now it's different. I'm depressed, suicidal at times, and my brothers are low too. Our relationship has changed. :blub:
  17. Lone_walker

    Lone_walker Well-Known Member

    They do, and i relate word to word from your post ryanglander
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have one memory that always makes me cry My therapist tells me to go to a happy place a safe place and when i do go to this place i always end up with tears in my eyes. Don't know why because it is of me and my identical twin at the beach making sand castle playing together. We were so happy This thought always makes me sad
  19. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Yes, they're gone forever :(
  20. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    I was thinking exactly the same thing tonight, what gets me is how I didn't really have that bad a past, but in my mind it was appauling. We had enough money to eat, I went to a special school because I have Aspergers syndrome, I have/had a very close family who didn't abandon me etc etc. The best days of my life were when I was at school, sadly I lost touch with one friend in particular who always cheered me up, I spose it makes me sad knowing people put so much effort into supporting me as a child & teenager, and now I've landed up like this.

    I can only find good words about how my mum managed me as a very difficult child, so if you are googling this mum, like you did some other posts of mine on here (sigh) then there you go.

    If I could go back to one time, I would go back to school for sure. It was a period in my life that people actualy understood me, now I've taken a huge step back.
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