Do I deserve to be pressured time and time again?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by feathers, Mar 22, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It's funny, well, not funny at all. When I tell the stories to my close friends. When I was 13, I was pressured to do things I didn't want to. When I was 14, I was pressured to do things I didn't want to. On two occasions it came very close to me being pressured into losing my virginity. These things fucked with me. I was in denial of them at first, then I saw a psychologist who brought the feelings to the surface.

    I cried myself to sleep for 3 months.

    Whenever I tell the story to someone new, someone I trust, they are filled with anger at the type of people who would do this to someone. How dare they? How dare they try to take advantage of a girl like that? It's sick, it's unforgiveable.

    Yet, when it's your friend doing the pressuring, it's somehow different.

    No, it's not different at all.

    There's no difference between lying in bed a month ago at 19 years old, supposedly mature and grown up, a friend trying to pressure you into sexual activity, and being 14 and having one of your first boyfriends try to do the same.

    Actually, it's probably worse. Considering the guy was meant to be my friend, and actually respect me.

    You know what sickens me? The fact I'm alone in this. The fact I'm the one who has had to leave the group at college because everyone else doesn't seem to mind the fact he's done this. Everyone else just seems not to care. Well, a certain someone certainly acts like he did, my ex boyfriend, but he's talking to him again over me, so obviously he seems to be able to forgive and forget for something he did to me. Although, I guess, he didn't do it to him, did he? He didn't have to be taken back to being a defenseless child who didn't have the willpower to say no.

    It takes you right back. You feel the same again. You feel pressured, you feel like you have to do things to keep people happy. And I don't like being back there again. I can't go back there again.

    All it does is remind me that I haven't changed as much as I want. I still don't have the confidence and willpower to stop myself getting into these situations. This says to me that it could easily happen again and again. I thought I had learned my lesson - I thought I had the confidence to firmly say no. To stop someone in their tracks right there. But I don't.

    Why am I left alone? Why do my friends think this is okay? The answer that comes to me is that they don't care. Or that they care more about keeping things 'not awkward'. I feel so horrible, I'm out of the group now, I'm quite alone really. But do I want to be in the company that will reinforce a friend that it's alright to fuck someone over? Do I want to reinforce this person that if they fuck someone over, they won't have to suffer any consequences? The person they messed with disappears and the group carries on as normal, even though everyone knows that I'm suffering inside again.

    I feel so betrayed and abandoned. I've walked away from the group, but it's not because I'm abandoning them. It's because they're abandoning me.

    I must deserve this. I must. Or my friends would be on my side. Wouldn't they? :blub:

    K x
  2. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    You don't deserve it though. You deserve so much better. Real friends will stick beside you and support you no matter what. Real friends won't pressure you to do anything that you don't want to do. It's time that you find some people in your life who will unconditionally support you.
    It's not okay that he tried to pressure you into something you definitely aren't into. You may not have made as much progress as you like but you have made a lot of progress. Especially if you have realized that what is happening. isn't right. It takes some people a lot longer to figure that out. It still doesn't make the situation any less triggering for you
    This may seem lonely right now though but it would be a lot lonlier if you had stayed in that group and tried to "not make things awkward". You have us on SF if you feel really lonely.
    Maybe it's time to branch out and try new things where you will meet more positive people. People who will respect your boundaries and treat you with dignity and respect because in the very least you do deserve it.
    If you need someone to talk to just shoot me a pm I'm always here to listen and talk.
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Lady E. <3
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.