Do I? Don't I?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Beka, Nov 15, 2014.

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  1. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    I don't understand how I can go from being fine to not wanting to be here anymore.

    How do I let my self get like this? I feel like I can't talk to my friends. Can't talk to my family. I try to talk to my therapist but the sessions are so short that we end up taking up the time talking about other things.
    I keep dreaming about SI and it's driving me mad. I know I don't want to do it but it's like I've got split thinking. It's not even arguing with myself over it, both sides are coming through at once and I can't hear myself think because everything's all cloudy.

    I guess I just wish I could hear myself think for once - I feel stupid saying that, cause I'm thinking right now but that's not what I mean but I can't explain it any other way.

    Everything's so confusing.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel or think you are stupid we all in here know how cloudy our mind gets when we are down or hurting, how do any of us get this way, we all seem to get in this position. We do know what you mean. I have been told to take it One Day At A Time? some times I have a hard time with One Minute at A Time. I think you have come to the right place when you are feeling down, You are talking and I am certainly listening but I am not arguing with myself any more. We do understand.
  3. Beka,
    I can totally relate to what you said in your first statement, about feeling fine and then feeling like you want to check out. That happens to me too. Sometimes I feel fine one day and the next day (or week ) I feel so bad I don't want to live anymore, and sometimes (other times when this happens) I feel just fine and then half-a-second later I feel terrible, and for reasons, I feel that I should just kill myself (the unpleasant excruciating unbearable pain is the reason of course, most times). You did express that you don't understand why this happens to you. I don't understand it either, I have tried. As a scientist, and a person of a very curious nature, and also very technically minded person - I used to try to understand why I am like this - Like you, at least in that particular aspect. Trying to find that answer drove me to intolerable levels of frustration, which is not something I want to put on my plate of problems, so I stopped. Such things seem to be still far beyond the understanding of even the most educated and highly trained professionals (social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.)

    The thing is though,
    It is not your job or responsibility to "understand" (in any way, shape or form) why or how you go from one state (being fine) to another (being suicidal). Trying to know or understand 'why' is folly, I think. That's a distraction. I think concentrating one's energy on dealing/working-with the current reality is ultimately more productive. -As in: "I'm not trying to figure this out, I'm trying to work with it."
  4. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    I don't want to deal with this. I can't
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