Do I finally have the guts to do it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by peacee, Oct 8, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. peacee

    peacee Member

    Feels kind of liberating to be honest. Every other time I have considered it I *****ed out but these anti-depressant meds I'm taking are just increasing my urge to the point where for the first time I think I'm gonna go through with it. Common sense would dictate to stop taking my meds since all they do is make me more depressed but in a weird way I have learned to embrace my depression. It feels good now.

    Gonna start writing my note tomorrow and hopefully within the next week I can execute my plan. After hours of research I have chosen the most efficient and less painful way to exit (which I will not share in respect of forum rules).

    I do not know why I'm writing this down, I'm not as in touch with my emotions as I used to be. I've been acting very irrationally these past few days when I've been on my meds. I guess I'm just looking for a way to pass the time as I get ready for my plan. Hell, however unlikely maybe someone will even convince me otherwise. But anyway, I wish the rest of you luck. From what I read on this forum most of you don't really want to die, you just want different things in life. I hope you all get what you're looking for.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hang in there hun your medication should level out soon and these thoughts won't be there as much tell your doc thought okay you are more suicidal now but be aware the sometime these meds will cause that only for awhile then you will start feeling better hugs
  3. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    I feel that you're in a very deep, and dark/gray place. As though under the waves (sounds like a phone psychic). I have been there, to that calm place, and I'm asking you to hold out.

    It's a beast, a liar, that place we've been to... don't trust it. Put the things out of your sight, out of your reach. You need to try and swim to the surface. To fight for yourself, for how f**ked up life is for doing this. Wait it out for awhile until the feelings come, the feelings are important for you right now. Cry, if you want to-- you came here and I'm telling you that I know what you're going through. Be safe, and know that somewhere a person thinks of you... here.
  4. peacee

    peacee Member

    About to cop a couple of painkillers from my friend later today. In all my plans I'm ****ed up as all hell before I do it and never before have I progressed to the stage where I'm buying the pills, I was always too much of a coward to even get that far. I think this is going to be it, I've never felt so confident in my commitment to going through with.

    I've been in this place many times before, the only difference is that I've had a dream that I figured would make my life better once it was achieved. Now even though I'm so close to achieving that dream I realize no matter what i will always be miserable. No point in even trying to chase it anymore. Might as well just end it now.

    I have picked a day too. It's going to be edit< moderator total eclipse count down> I'm looking forward to it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2011
  5. 18 and in trouble

    18 and in trouble Well-Known Member

    Please don't go through with it. I'm sure you have plenty to live for.
  6. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    Hi please do not buy the pills and go and talk to someone maybe your GP. My GP has been very helpfull over my suicidal feelings and it does help to talk or even keep posting here on the SF. Please don't look forward to it either it will take over your life and put you in a bad place. I hope you are OK and take care please - Ali.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi peacee...please postpone those plans and stick around here and talk to us..
    i've been where you are and I understand how miserable you feel but don't act on those feelings ok
    talk to your doctor asap and tell him how your'e feeling about the meds..
    is there a friend or family you can talk to/be with ?
    I'd like to get to know you more..
    do you wanna tell us more about yourself ? *hug*
  8. VivaHate

    VivaHate Member

    @IV2010 the song in your signature is quality, thanks for sharing :D

    @peacee If your still looking for a reason not to go through with 'it' then you aren't ready to go through with 'it'. I Dont really know what else to say. I believe music is what were here for. Take some time to listen to a band called 'The Smiths'. Lead singer Morrissey on a lyrical level theirs none better.

    Smash It To The Planet!
    If You've Lost Your Faith In Love And Music, The End Wont Be Long.

    x (one kiss for you now, two kisses for you tomorrow ...etc)
  9. peacee

    peacee Member

    Hey guys, I stopped taking the meds and I feel better now. Those things do way more harm than good. Anyway, I took a second to consider my situation again now that I can think clearly and honestly I just feel like it would be better for everyone if I just did it already.

    Even though I'm not still in the deep depression that I was in two days ago I know enough about myself to know that it will happen again. And something I learned through life is that things will never get better. Things always only get worse for me, might as well kill myself now when I still have a few people that care about me. Even though it shouldn't matter because I'll be dead I always like to imagine my funeral with people who care about me in attendance. I'm sure in another year or two I'll lose what little friends I have left because of the mood swings I've been getting lately.

    I have no doctor to talk to. I refuse to see anyone with any connections to the psychology field, they're all scum. My parents had me see a psychologist, said this one would be different. He gave me the pills and I never saw him again.

    And no there isn't anyone I can talk to. I don't like to be a burden to people I know so I don't talk to my problems to anyone. Hell, I won't even admit to most people I know that I suffer from depression. I only really cry about my problems on internet forums because I figure if you're on this site you're used to it by now.

    About myself. Well hmm, even though I suffer from depression, social anxiety, panic attacks, and suicidal idealation I still try to put on a joyful exterior. I always try to make other people happy and be sympathetic to them. Even though I get extremely nervous when I'm with other people I still make sure to be social and go to parties whenever I can and meet new people. I don't like to let my problems take control of me so I like to stay social.

    My number one goal in life was to become an mma fighter. I've been training for two years and I don't like to brag but aside from the professional fighters at the gym I like to think I'm the best there. I have my first fight coming up in November but I don't think I'm gonna make it.

    That's pretty much it about myself. I'm a pretty simple guy. My life consists entirely of working out, fighting, working, school, and drinking lol. Thanks for asking. :biggrin:

    You know it's funny you mention music because listening to a bunch of Nas songs is what helped me through my last depression. Particularly a song called "Drunk by Myself." I just felt such a deep connection to that song. I don't think listening to music is gonna help me this time though. This slump is much more serious.

    Hey guys, thanks for listening to me. I never really had anyone to listen to my problems before. I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I express myself best through the written word so sometimes I'll write like 2 pages and not even realize it lol.
  10. VivaHate

    VivaHate Member

    <mod edit: *sparkle*: insulting> -.- joking lol , rap music = ergghh, its music for <mod edit: *sparkle*: insulting> :L,,,i'm not saying listening to the smiths will help you but you might aswell experience their greatness. A fighters cool, scary as shit though i imagine, i watch alot of boxing but not much ufc stuff. why do ufc instead of boxing ? In boxing theres more money involved, more fans, more skill (i think) and alot safer lol ....i'm guessin your american then ? Cage fighting aint really that popular here in England, proberly because <mod eidt: *sparkle* insulting> ? I'm joking.,,,

    So yeah please give the smiths a listen. They was the biggest band in england in the 80's am surprised you havent heard of them.

    Peace out! <mod edit: *sparkle*: insulting>! xx
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2011
  11. peacee

    peacee Member

    Nah, you're right. You don't need to know my life story, I just enjoy writing so I usually say too much.
  12. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :)

    your entitled to tell us as little or as much as you wish and there will always be people to listen however much you write :D

    ohh and welcome to the forum!!!! i hope you find lots of support here
  13. VivaHate

    VivaHate Member

    Has no one on here got a sense of humour ?
  14. peacee

    peacee Member

    haha, I do have a sense of humor but even though you were joking you're right. I do tend to ramble on and on. I ain't offended or nothin.
  15. VivaHate

    VivaHate Member

    Lol i actually got <mod edit: *sparkle*: repeating edited post> " am glad you wernt offened

    Good day To you
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2011
  16. VivaHate

    VivaHate Member

    <mod edit: *sparkle*: insulting>

    I enjoyed being a member on this forum/site for about 24 hours but i imagine i am going to be banned now because everyone on here is over sensitive.

    When lying in my bed, i think about life and i think about death, and neither one particually appeals to me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2011
  17. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Be aware that he will feel better and that the suicidal effect of the drug will go away?

    How about instead be aware of this.


    Since in this case taking the drug made him feel worse, I'm actually glad he stopped taking them and feels better now. And I think it is stupid to tell a person to keep taking a drug that is making them suicidal.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2011
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Just want to put in my thoughts on meds. Please realize that SF is peer to peer support. We are not doctors dealing with patients and cannot offer medical advice such as take this med, stop that med. There are warnings about certain anti-depressants and risk of suicide in some countries. Doctors generally don't blindly prescribe them without being aware of the possible side effects. If anyone believes they are having adverse reactions to their meds, they need to contact a medical professional as soon as possible.

    Regardless of the illness or disorder, a patient owes it to him- herself to become educated on options and various treatments and combinations of treatments. This includes becoming knowledgeable about the expected benefits and the possible side effects of any meds; however, the patient should be asking the doctor and/or pharmacist, reading the product monograph, visiting the company's website, or the government approval and warnings/adverse effects site. It's not anyone's call here to say or have others say one treatment should/should not be used. SF staff and members are peer to peer support, not physicians with patients.

    Members of SF can freely suggest that members talk to their doc and/or therapist about meds, therapy, CBT, DBT, etc., but every individual member and his/her doctor(s) need to discuss his/her specific situation to determine what option(s) is(are) best for him/her. In their discussion with their doctor, members ought to remember to ask about side effects and risks associated with any treatment plan.
  19. peacee

    peacee Member

    Well, if anyone is wondering. I'm not gonna do it. I kind of had a feeling I wouldn't. I started thinking about the repercussions if my method went wrong. I started researching different methods but I just ended up saying **** it. I have a fight that I have to win and I have a tattoo on my forearm telling me never to give up. I have a few more years in me.
  20. Kiki2389

    Kiki2389 New Member

    Please don't ever feel like you have to give up. There are many groups like this one that has people that are willing to talk with you and help you throught anything that you are going through. You are so special, and you are here for a reason that is bigger than anything that you are going through. You just have to believe that tomorrow is gonna be a brighter day. There is someone out there who will listen and understand what you are going through, whether their are your close friend or a complete stranger. I want you to stay strong, and if you ever have to talk I am here. :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.