Do I just not have enough draw power?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BBM77, Sep 29, 2015.

  1. BBM77

    BBM77 Active Member

    I'd like to think of myself as someone who is moderately interesting and tries to raise people's spirits with charisma. However, it never fails to me that not enough attention is given to me. There just isn't enough. Don't get me wrong, but, I like to try and make people happy. It works at times, now and then. But, people wonder a lot of the time why is it so difficult to make me happy. Well, if only they knew. If only they had knew that it wouldn't hurt for them to take some time out of their lives to talk to me about anything. Which I am very open about anything and willing to exchange opinions with.

    But it never happens. I have to always be the one to talk first. I always have to be the one to stir a conversation. It gets tiring for me. Not a lot of my friends know who I am thoroughly despite me putting it out there as I try to describe myself. They don't know because they don't spend some time with me, even online. I always see them spending lots of time, pushing things out of the way, for others. But, never me.

    It saddens me a lot to know I've developed a lot of friendships but they've just went into a bottomless pit of wasting time. Wasting time, we're never going to get back. Wasting time, I'M never going to get back. It's also like, whenever I step up for myself over the inattentiveness I receive after a period. Then all of a sudden I'm the oppressor, I'm in the way or that I'm being an attention whore.

    Excuse me? Where did that mentality come from? If only my friends knew, just how exactly simple it is to get to know someone if they'd just have taken some moments out of their lives to try. As they do for everything else, then there could be chemistry built. I'm a chemistry-building kind of guy, you need to communicate with me a lot so we can figure out where we are. I can't do it all on my own!

    I even had an ex-girlfriend, whom I've been with three times in a row, whose only concern of me is how much she can get from me. She can't even qualify to me as a friend because I'm on the backburner for eternity or I'm just another body to her.

    People now wonder why a lot of the time I'm bored, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm depressed and I'm just not in the general mood for anything. Is because I'm at the point in my life where I'm evaluating myself and everything and I'm starting to believe that "yeah...this is all wasting my time, I don't know what to do with myself or for myself anymore."

    Because that's how faithful and loyal to my friends I can be. I've stagnated my life and stifled my own progress in life, for the sake of being social and to have people around. But it's becoming more and more apparent to me that it's a lie and that my time is gradually being wasted. If I were to have any regret in my life before I die, it'd probably be along the lines of having not spending my time better. By that, I mean, I could've done away with the idea of socializing and I could've instead focused primarily on life itself.

    I just don't know anymore with people, I get praised sometimes for being this best friend. But for what? For fucking what?! You can't tell me?! I CAN'T tell who my best friends are because majority of the time, they're dropping the ball on me! One form or another, there will be disappointment and that's something I'm stuck living with in life. That as soon as things get good, there will always be a wall of disappointment at the end and once we crash into it, then we all have to start all over again and it'll take a long time to build back up.

    I refuse to sell myself out for the sake of gaining popularity, like I've seen others and now they're showered with socialization. While, I, get on that backburner again. I'm stuck with old memories to recall over and over again because nobody is bothering to help make new ones with me. I don't want to be the center of attention everytime, but I'll be damned if I'm not up there to par as people have claimed to me of being.

    Instead, people have chosen to do this awkward thing where they get uneasy when they finally give the person who's been ignored for so long, some time to shine. What the fuck is that? Why add awkwardness in? Are you trying to set someone up for something? Is your favorite person not on the podium? Then at this rate, whoever does that, shouldn't have fucking friends period!

    People fucking suck and that's a fact. I'm going to go as far as to say some of the friends I have, suck. They suck because they're making more misses on me than hits when it comes to knowing me. I could know them to the point of reading them like a book at any given day. But me? Oh god, they only know a PAGE of me, if not, just a paragraph. That's what I feel like to them, a paragraph of an entry on to a page in their own personal encyclopedia of people within the backs of their minds. 10 years I've spent with some people and that's my biggest "Thank You" from them. 19 years I've been on the internet and I've had close ties with some people, that's my biggest "Thank You" from them.

    If I'm a problem, fucking say it. If you think there's something wrong, fucking say that too. Don't brush shit under a rug and expect it to treat itself overtime. What you'd be doing is boiling things up and making matters worse later on!

    I'm sorry to those friends that I'm not some Leonardo Da Vinci and make some awesome artwork. I'm sorry that I'm not some modern Mozart that makes awesome tunes for everyone to enjoy. I'm sorry that I'm not some big deal celebrity who can sprinkle money to make things better. I am just simply as I am and what I can be and if that's not enough for you then you can just release yourself from the world!

    Because maybe I think it's not enough for ME!

    And it is such, I am hating the thing I should embrace and love. That is, to make friends to hang with. Why do they do this to me? What did I do to earn this? Nobody says. Nobody suggests. Nobody even implies. I've once made a strong point a couple years ago where I flipped out and demanded answers from everyone whom I suspected was not a friend of mine, which ended up being generally everyone around me. Not enough responses. People hold themselves back from forming coherent and rational thoughts.

    These are the things that make me hate society in it's entirety. I'm wasting time I'm never going to get back and I'm gullible enough to say that I will continue to waste this time because I believe it's been too late for me to make something of myself.
  2. Flying Fox

    Flying Fox SF Supporter

    Everything you have said, I can not agree more; you describe my own situation and friendships better than I ever could. I wish I could help you or give you some solid advice on how to deal with these "friends"; I myself have exactly the same problem. The best I can say is that if they truly were interested you would know; they expect to be met at least half way if not more if it is convenient for them. My advice to you is to move out and find more circles; more people who share the same passions that you do. It is not that you have no draw or are not interesting - each person is unique and interesting in their own right as I am sure you are. It is just a matter of finding the right people to share and make new memories with. You are not boring or one dimensional - the people you describe as having only a page on you do not see your full depth or understand the person who are. It is better to make a clean break if the situation has been like this for so long. Dwelling on past relationships and what could have been will only hurt you in the end.

    I hope this helps you find what you are looking for in friendships. I am not very good socially, but in this at least I can impart my own perspective and hopefully you can find some insight in that.
  3. BBM77

    BBM77 Active Member

    Well, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. It drives me insane when I sit around and take a good look at everyone I have and I cannot stop to realize this everytime. I appreciate your kind offer for advice, however, I do know what I should do. But, I'm too compassionate and have too good of a heart to break another, without a good reason. A very good reason.

    And speaking of doing something about it, such as finding new connections and new relations, I do agree. But the problem in that is, I've been spending a lot of time in my life replacing people and retaining so few. It's straining. I'm almost close to the point where I do not want to socialize period. I'm a person who prefers familiarity, I feel I NEED a handful of people who have known me for a long time to stay around and I do have those people. It's just straining having a bunch of new people around you who don't know your history, don't know your problems, don't know your personality and do not know your path in life. I get tired almost having to repeat myself time to time again and things get more and more vague a time I bring things up.

    I get tired of talking about myself, too. So much that people barely DO know me. I'd much rather hear someone else than me, but the trade off is that and I'm experiencing it now. Is when people don't ask me things about myself that would help them get a better understanding of me. Then it turns into a frustrating cycle of a guessing game of "hit or miss" or "Guess Who?" whichever is preferred.

    I would've thought, though, that putting myself out there via Facebook and other sites about myself with a decent amount of detail would suffice for the average person to gain some knowledge. Especially Facebook. Yet, I find myself being let down again in the digital age where it would be easy to know someone and try to get to know them. I don't know how to read the social signs, at all. I feel like my life has been built up with nothing but gossip about others and playing political games.

    Also, before anyone suggests. Yes, I do push myself out there, I try to get involved and mesh with others. But yet I find myself slowly seeping out of the circle. It just keeps happening over and over.
  4. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    imagine me
    Taught by tragedy
    Is peace

    I heard a little girl
    And what she said was something beautiful
    "To give your love no matter what."
    Is what she said.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Nycifier. I'm sorry you have been the "giver" so often and feel that so many others have been "takers" in friendships. (hug) I have always thought that relationships were supposed to be a flow of give-and-take from all parties. Sometimes we meet people who have little if any "giving" and they are more about the "taking" from others.

    I've had "friends" tell me that they don't need to see a therapist because I'm such a good listener. And when life picked up for them, they stopped calling me. I was their therapist, I guess, and not really their friend. I suppose I should have known when they'd dismiss my topics or worries and start up about their own again. Yes, it hurt at first. I eventually realized that their attitude didn't mean "I" am unimportant. It means they don't see others, only themselves.

    The lesson is not that we are not worth anything, but that those people don't know how to do more than take. (And yes, it might seem like they make time for others, but there's a good chance it's not time where they are kind and gentle and listening to the other person, it's more likely that it's time when the person is another listener/giver for them, or it's "fun activities" and they are still "taking," not really giving.)

    Making friends, real friends, is a process, imo. We have to spend time with people to find out what they're like, and to see what they want in a "friendship" with us. Along the way, we are bound to find some people who are takers first...and it might take a little more time to find the give-and-takers, the ones who want a real friendship. It hurts when someone has given us one idea about who they are and then they let us down. But it's not "us" - it's them. I wonder how many of us who want a "balanced, give-and-take" friendship have been burned and therefore become cautious about opening up to others? That makes it harder to find each other.

    I know you are pushing yourself out there. It's really great and brave that you are doing that. It can be hard to find the wherewithal. Maybe some groups are "more receptive" than others. (I have found that in my own efforts. Some groups are into themselves - as a group or individually. Some groups are friendly, and everyone is kind and accepting.) The people who talk mostly about themselves and who ask little about others, are maybe not going to be the ones who would make good friends.

    What are your specific passions and interests? Are there clubs, classes, projects, volunteer groups for those passions/interests in your area that you could join? People who get together to do something for others or for a cause or to do with a deep interest/passion they have are often more of the "giver" mindset. Interest groups and volunteering or joining a cause might be ways to meet people who share more of your give-and-take attitude. The one caution: Getting to know new people doesn't happen as soon as we say hello. We need to get to know others and they us over a longer period of time - so we can see how they act with us and with others.

    You seem like a smart, caring, upright person. I would likely notice you in a group and want to talk to you. You say you don't like to talk about yourself that much. I understand that. Much easier to ask others about themselves. The give-and-take people usually are more "inclusive" and will ask about others, and encourage them to join in. The fact that you are not overly talkative about yourself suggests to me that you have lots going on in your head (you observe a lot) - ideas, opinions, caring. I'd want to know what that was all about, and I'd want to engage you in conversation! :)

    Please, keep trying. Maybe it's just been poor fits so far. The right fits are out there. Be safe and take care. :)