I'd like to think of myself as someone who is moderately interesting and tries to raise people's spirits with charisma. However, it never fails to me that not enough attention is given to me. There just isn't enough. Don't get me wrong, but, I like to try and make people happy. It works at times, now and then. But, people wonder a lot of the time why is it so difficult to make me happy. Well, if only they knew. If only they had knew that it wouldn't hurt for them to take some time out of their lives to talk to me about anything. Which I am very open about anything and willing to exchange opinions with. But it never happens. I have to always be the one to talk first. I always have to be the one to stir a conversation. It gets tiring for me. Not a lot of my friends know who I am thoroughly despite me putting it out there as I try to describe myself. They don't know because they don't spend some time with me, even online. I always see them spending lots of time, pushing things out of the way, for others. But, never me. It saddens me a lot to know I've developed a lot of friendships but they've just went into a bottomless pit of wasting time. Wasting time, we're never going to get back. Wasting time, I'M never going to get back. It's also like, whenever I step up for myself over the inattentiveness I receive after a period. Then all of a sudden I'm the oppressor, I'm in the way or that I'm being an attention whore. Excuse me? Where did that mentality come from? If only my friends knew, just how exactly simple it is to get to know someone if they'd just have taken some moments out of their lives to try. As they do for everything else, then there could be chemistry built. I'm a chemistry-building kind of guy, you need to communicate with me a lot so we can figure out where we are. I can't do it all on my own! I even had an ex-girlfriend, whom I've been with three times in a row, whose only concern of me is how much she can get from me. She can't even qualify to me as a friend because I'm on the backburner for eternity or I'm just another body to her. People now wonder why a lot of the time I'm bored, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm depressed and I'm just not in the general mood for anything. Is because I'm at the point in my life where I'm evaluating myself and everything and I'm starting to believe that "yeah...this is all wasting my time, I don't know what to do with myself or for myself anymore." Because that's how faithful and loyal to my friends I can be. I've stagnated my life and stifled my own progress in life, for the sake of being social and to have people around. But it's becoming more and more apparent to me that it's a lie and that my time is gradually being wasted. If I were to have any regret in my life before I die, it'd probably be along the lines of having not spending my time better. By that, I mean, I could've done away with the idea of socializing and I could've instead focused primarily on life itself. I just don't know anymore with people, I get praised sometimes for being this best friend. But for what? For fucking what?! You can't tell me?! I CAN'T tell who my best friends are because majority of the time, they're dropping the ball on me! One form or another, there will be disappointment and that's something I'm stuck living with in life. That as soon as things get good, there will always be a wall of disappointment at the end and once we crash into it, then we all have to start all over again and it'll take a long time to build back up. I refuse to sell myself out for the sake of gaining popularity, like I've seen others and now they're showered with socialization. While, I, get on that backburner again. I'm stuck with old memories to recall over and over again because nobody is bothering to help make new ones with me. I don't want to be the center of attention everytime, but I'll be damned if I'm not up there to par as people have claimed to me of being. Instead, people have chosen to do this awkward thing where they get uneasy when they finally give the person who's been ignored for so long, some time to shine. What the fuck is that? Why add awkwardness in? Are you trying to set someone up for something? Is your favorite person not on the podium? Then at this rate, whoever does that, shouldn't have fucking friends period! People fucking suck and that's a fact. I'm going to go as far as to say some of the friends I have, suck. They suck because they're making more misses on me than hits when it comes to knowing me. I could know them to the point of reading them like a book at any given day. But me? Oh god, they only know a PAGE of me, if not, just a paragraph. That's what I feel like to them, a paragraph of an entry on to a page in their own personal encyclopedia of people within the backs of their minds. 10 years I've spent with some people and that's my biggest "Thank You" from them. 19 years I've been on the internet and I've had close ties with some people, that's my biggest "Thank You" from them. If I'm a problem, fucking say it. If you think there's something wrong, fucking say that too. Don't brush shit under a rug and expect it to treat itself overtime. What you'd be doing is boiling things up and making matters worse later on! I'm sorry to those friends that I'm not some Leonardo Da Vinci and make some awesome artwork. I'm sorry that I'm not some modern Mozart that makes awesome tunes for everyone to enjoy. I'm sorry that I'm not some big deal celebrity who can sprinkle money to make things better. I am just simply as I am and what I can be and if that's not enough for you then you can just release yourself from the world! Because maybe I think it's not enough for ME! And it is such, I am hating the thing I should embrace and love. That is, to make friends to hang with. Why do they do this to me? What did I do to earn this? Nobody says. Nobody suggests. Nobody even implies. I've once made a strong point a couple years ago where I flipped out and demanded answers from everyone whom I suspected was not a friend of mine, which ended up being generally everyone around me. Not enough responses. People hold themselves back from forming coherent and rational thoughts. These are the things that make me hate society in it's entirety. I'm wasting time I'm never going to get back and I'm gullible enough to say that I will continue to waste this time because I believe it's been too late for me to make something of myself.