I haven't done much posting here because I've never really been able to justify my being here. I don't know if I should be here. I've found myself, many times, forming plans to end my life in my head. Then the question hits me. I say to myself " Whoa, Kev, stop this now. Why do you want this? What possible reason could you have?"......... I've never been able to answer. I have no reason to want it, yet the want is undeniably there. Better still is sometimes the question "Why not die?" shows up........ I've never been able to answer that one either. I hate not knowing. I hate feeling like I'm a stranger, that while i recognize the face, I don't know who that sad looking guy in the mirror is. I hate being bottled up in my head. I hate letting it all out. I'm frustrated and confused and I feel pathetic no matter how anyone reacts. Maybe because there are only three reactions I've ever come accross. The very rare person has been indifferent. The "deal with it" kind of person. Some people get angry and I feel so pathetic, like I've made them feel it's their fault. That I shouldn't have gotten weak. That I should have just held it in painfull as that is I hate seeing anyone like that. Everyone else just gets condescendingly understanding. These are both the most common and the worst for what it does to me. It makes me feel weak and pathetic to the point where I have no right to exist. I've become an object of pity. Oh they feel sorry for me. These are the same people who seem reluctant to say good morning but they've actually deigned to notice me so apparently I have to take there advise. Because they "care" they "understand" they "worry" about me when I "get like this". :sad: Then the moment passes, I'm not vergeing on a breakdown, my death isn't imminent so *faf* out of existance I go again................................ I don't know why I want this. I think that's what I was trying to say at the beginning but I just had to say everything. I know there's a good chance none of it made sense, and appologise for any tangents too extreme to follow. It doesn't mean anything. It's just something that's there. I'll never be able to make it go away. Maybe I just don't want to. Or I have no reason to. ---- Be content to be alive, in that alone you have what so many have been denied..... easy enough to say, right?