Do I need help or do I know the answer already?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by getgo, Dec 26, 2009.

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  1. getgo

    getgo Member

    Hi, I'm Getgo,

    This is the first time I'm doing anything like this! What a start! To all those who do not want to cease to exist......Happy Christmas!

    Not quite true as this is the 7th time I've started this paragraph! My life is over but my body doesn't realise it. I have tried many doctors/shrinks and medication over the last two years but they don't work as advertised. I tried suicide many years ago out of desperation but it didn't work and all I did was break my ankle.

    The last 15+ years have been hell and I'm not able to relate all the details of that yet, but we are looking at blood, guts, hopelessness, care-less people and a lot of death. I've been in my own war and at the end, when all loved ones are dead, the verdict is PTSD. So we have a label that means nothing....oh joy!

    I have the answer to my question of my suicide,(goforit) but my problem comes from one of faith.....not religion......the signpost that I think was sent to me at the very end of hostilities. I know this is cryptic and I'm sorry for that but I was all ready to use my suicide kit until this particular day two years ago. I should be dead now but I seem to be waiting for a bolt of lightening!

    I have no home, no money, can't get a job. I have nightmares several times a night for over ten years now, which end up with me screaming and in cold sweats. I also can't sleep properly from the fear of these nightmares. During the day I have flashbacks especially in certain places where I just freeze.

    I'm in my early 40's and just can't handle the thought of having to start from scratch again. My doctor knows I'm suicidal so won't give me any strong medication, I have never taken any illegal drugs and don't intend to start now!

    I'm living with a relative that we don't really get on with each other and we haven't spoken to for nearly two weeks......not from an argument, we just don't get on.

    I'm apparently angry and bitter (which is why I had to start this miniblog so many times), no friends, they left a long time ago, last girlfriend was 15 years ago and have grown used to being alone and relying totally on myself. But this question of my suicide kit and bolt of lightening has me so confused.

    I know I'm so screwed, I had to go into so much debt and that alone is worth jumping off a roof (again!) In reality I'm looking for an answer to my question that I already know the answer to!


    PS. Well it only took me 9 goes to do this without sounding like a complete t*ss*r.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Your post sounds authentic and heartfelt and you sound insightful...we need ppl like you here...please stay and let us know what is going on...Welcome and so glad #9 was successful..big hugs, J
  3. getgo

    getgo Member

    Thanks for your kind words Sadeyes, but my time is short. Not trying to be funny here, just a decision to make as I have to go for an operation I've had to put off for the last 7 years.

    I spent nearly 14 years taking care of my mother and father while they were both terminal, luckily not at the same time, though 5 weeks after my mother died, my dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer.

    So I can either go to the hospital that killed my mother as they didn't see her breast, lung and ovarian cancers until it was way too late, or go to the hospital that basically killed my father and that is one hell of a story!

    This is why I'm so confused, there is no way on this or any other planet I'm going to have any surgery, mum and dad know that! So why keep me going with a sign just after my dad died that had me believing in life after death and that my suicide was not the way to go? EVEN my fathers last words to me before his 8th stroke took away his speech was "I'm sorry for killing you son." The 9th stroke a week later killed him. He was terminal for 7 years. (I miss your smile dad SO much!)

    This is a crossroads for me now as my op is in a few weeks and whats the point in an op if my suicide kit is raring to go. SO very confusing!

    All but one member of the family has since died in the last 15 years, uncles,aunts,cousins,grandparents - all dead. I have been at enough deaths to know there is nothing to fear, I'm not religious anymore, so whats the crack?

    Answers on a postcard please to...............

  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    It makes me so sad to read your post... I really can't think of anything to say except that life has dealt you a really shitty hand and I'm sorry.
    No one deserves that...

    Have you ever thought of selling any belongings you have and traveling?
    Just backpacking to places you have not seen and talking to people?
    If you aren't too afraid to do it, I think it could be beneficial to you... a different approach- and if nothing else, you'll be able to say that you've seen the world?
    Traveling can open peoples eyes to new things... and it may be able to help a person like you.

    It's the only thing I could really think of~
    I definitely don't think you sound like a t*s*er! From your post you sound pretty smart; and that comes from being through alot of sh*t.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry to hear the situation you are in.. I have had quite a few relatives die from cancer also..I just found out yesterday that my mom has cancer of the leg..Her doctor did a scrapeing and told her see you in six months.. I mean WTF he tells her she has cancer and leaves at that so it can spread elsewhere..I am glad to hear you have a roof over your head.. This is not a good time of the year to be homeless,..I wish I had some advice for you but I am in the same situation..My sister is letting me stay with her.. Can you get a note from your doctor saying you are unable to work.. Then you could apply for SSI..
  6. getgo

    getgo Member

    Again thanks to you both for the kind words.

    Funnily enough I can handle the 3 cancers my mum had,..... the cancer, 9 strokes, 2 heart attacks, diabetes, gout, enphasima, severe heart failure that my dad had......what I can't deal with is the 14 times he had contracted pneumonia in hospital, along with blood poisoning x4, double pneumonia x1, MRSA superbug x1, C.Diff superbug x1, 3x cancelled emergency operations, 2x lung operations, 1x gallstone operation.

    One lung operation was just to clear the MRSA out of his lung, AND at exactly the same time the nurse in the day room told me that he was wasn't going to live through this emergency operation, I was watching the twin towers fall on 9/11 on the TV! A truly horrific day for so many people. Selfishly, all I can think about is that nurse on that day at that time whenever 9/11 is mentioned anywhere. The fear is still there. I still feel sick now and am shaking while I'm typing this!

    Dad survived that day, I took him home to die (as requested by the doctors as they said he was too much trouble to look after!!!!!!!!) He didn't get out of bed for 4 months, but I got him back only for another stroke to take him further away 2 months after that.

    To swallow my bitterness and anger at the years of unnecessary suffering my dad had to go through, THAT'S what I can't handle. The number of stories of needless pain and suffering because doctors and nurses just couldn't care less. That's what I can't handle! And to think, that's only 2001, dad died Xmas 07..........There are a plethora of horrors in those years.
    Cut so many stories short, dad was a Catholic and had the Last Rites 14x in 10 do the math as they say!


    OK.....To continue, I did all my travelling in my early 20's, I was running two companies, one with a government contract and went to most of Europe and Australia several times. As a 43 year old, I don't want or need anymore hassle. I owe a bucket load of money, and in truth I'm so tired of this game. I just want to go to sleep and die!

    Talking to people doesn't help, it opens up pandora's box and I find it hard to close again. In all the chats with doctors etc, I've never gone past my 9/11 story because it gets so much worse.

    Hey Stranger1, don't let them get away with that!! That's exactly what happened to mum, they said go away for six months as ovarian cancer was slow to grow, we did and at the next visit, it had metastasized to her breast and lung. She was dead 8 months later. DON'T let them get away with it!! Go shout the loudest so they hear you, don't give in, get a second opinion. DO NOT FORGET ABOUT IT, It's easy to let it slip because the fear of the word and the disease controls us. Get up and give the fear a good smacking by getting the answers you want, not the answers they want to give you.

    This is one of my deepest regrets in this sh*t life, that my mum trusted me with her life and I screwed up........(first time that one has come out).

    I got a note from the doctor for 4 months but that ended and she won't do anymore. That's when I stopped going to anyone. As I said before, I trust myself more than those bunch of W**K*RS.

    Me....bitter and angry.....nnnnooooooooo

    Sorry this is a bit long again, maybe I should write a book or major blog, I have plenty of material up to 2001! Then 02 to 07 should win the Nobel prize for fiction, as I still can't believe any of it happened!

    Take Care,

  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum getgo. I am sorry to hear of the lack of care experienced by your mom and dad in the medical field. I don't know where you are, but I do know not everywhere is like that. I lost my dad at Christmastime in 2005. At first I blamed some of the doctors for not catching things. Then I turned that blame inward as I was the one to make the decision to remove him from life support. Playing the blame game does no good. It changes nothing and keeps the anger fueled. Why not go ahead and have this operation? At this point, what have you got to lose? Are you afraid you may survive? I understand the hell the sleepless nights and daytimes filled with flashbacks can bring. I have no magic words or anything that I do to change things for you. I can tell you that you are not alone. You have found a community filled with people in various stages of suffering and healing in their lives. We have all found this place.
  8. getgo

    getgo Member

    Hi GentleLady

    Thanks for you reply and yes there are many good doctors, one of which saved my father's life four times and I give him a small present every Xmas and have done so for 8 years. He also referred me to his friend (a shrink) with a freebie!

    The one thing you have done for me is show me that the way I try to explain my situation, mainly through details and some logic, is totally pointless! How can you logically convey any emotion when it's a life and death situation.

    Yes I understand that blame can be attached to many people, including myself, however, most of the time between 2000 - 07, when in hospital, it was life and death. As I was alone and had to be the rock with no backup at all whatsoever, I had to dig deep and I went further down this hole that I ever thought I could. There is no light anymore, anywhere! Do I start to climb out and hope that there is a light somewhere? Just for myself when all that I have loved and lived for are gone? (Hope Kills!)

    I don't want to continue this on a public part of the forum so if you or anyone else wants to read just part of Nightmare on Paid St, I also have put some of my other posts all in one place for you to read if you so want. Follow the link to another part of the forum please......

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