Hi, I'm Getgo, This is the first time I'm doing anything like this! What a start! To all those who do not want to cease to exist......Happy Christmas! Not quite true as this is the 7th time I've started this paragraph! My life is over but my body doesn't realise it. I have tried many doctors/shrinks and medication over the last two years but they don't work as advertised. I tried suicide many years ago out of desperation but it didn't work and all I did was break my ankle. The last 15+ years have been hell and I'm not able to relate all the details of that yet, but we are looking at blood, guts, hopelessness, care-less people and a lot of death. I've been in my own war and at the end, when all loved ones are dead, the verdict is PTSD. So we have a label that means nothing....oh joy! I have the answer to my question of my suicide,(goforit) but my problem comes from one of faith.....not religion......the signpost that I think was sent to me at the very end of hostilities. I know this is cryptic and I'm sorry for that but I was all ready to use my suicide kit until this particular day two years ago. I should be dead now but I seem to be waiting for a bolt of lightening! I have no home, no money, can't get a job. I have nightmares several times a night for over ten years now, which end up with me screaming and in cold sweats. I also can't sleep properly from the fear of these nightmares. During the day I have flashbacks especially in certain places where I just freeze. I'm in my early 40's and just can't handle the thought of having to start from scratch again. My doctor knows I'm suicidal so won't give me any strong medication, I have never taken any illegal drugs and don't intend to start now! I'm living with a relative that we don't really get on with each other and we haven't spoken to for nearly two weeks......not from an argument, we just don't get on. I'm apparently angry and bitter (which is why I had to start this miniblog so many times), no friends, they left a long time ago, last girlfriend was 15 years ago and have grown used to being alone and relying totally on myself. But this question of my suicide kit and bolt of lightening has me so confused. I know I'm so screwed, I had to go into so much debt and that alone is worth jumping off a roof (again!) In reality I'm looking for an answer to my question that I already know the answer to! Getgo PS. Well it only took me 9 goes to do this without sounding like a complete t*ss*r.