Do I need to accept what happened?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Just"That"Guy, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    Almost a month ago My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me. It's been very hard to deal with. We were so close, I was always there for her when she needed me. Maybe I was the one who needed her this whole time, I don't think she saw it that way. I have no friends right now, not at school. I have an online friend who I used to be good friends with before I moved. She's different from me (my ex), she doesn't struggle so hard socially. It was long distance. But that's just about the best I can do. We'd talked so much. every bit of every day, sometimes over webcam, eventually we were comfortable enough to talk over mic, but we at least talked through MSN all the time. She was so sweet to me, It's all i've wanted for a long time. Before I met her I was always very depressed and did have thoughts of suicide, my grades were failing and I was miserable as a person, although I feel bad saying that because there are others who are worse off. I do have a family, my mom and brother. My mom's always at work now and I pretty much live on the computer, I just can't help it that i'm the way i am. Even having my friend online (we try to talk often but sometimes we don't) and my family, it's just not enough. I feel like i'm missing out on so much, I have problems with my social life. I guess it's Social Anxiety or something, idunno. Before she broke it off she distanced herself from me for a couple weeks, would hardly get online to talk to me. She said she couldn't handle it anymore and she needed someone who could be there for her. I guess that she had begun liking someone else during those weeks, apparently they're together now. And here I am all alone. I thought I would be okay, I was numb at first, but then I became very hurt. After that it let off just a bit, but i was very lonely again, just like before I had her. Now I'm probably at my worst, I feel so empty without her. I feel like she hates me although she says she doesn't, she's the only thing i can think about. I sit and just hope she'll talk to me (she doesn't anymore unless i message her, even then it's not the same..). I've tried to talk to her about things but she says that I just upset her and that she doesn't want to deal with it. I want to be the one to make her happy, we had planned on seeing each other this summer for the first time. I was so happy and now I'm crushed. She wont comfort me, and she was the only one that was and could. She saved me before, made me into a different person, but now it's all falling apart again. Sorry, really long rant. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to accept this but I feel like i need to. She says she wants to be friends still, but just seeing her online. every second she isn't talking to me is just another second i feel neglected and alone. Does anyone have any advice ?
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Everything like this takes time. I know after I broke up with my ex there was such a void that I felt would never be filled. I did find other people and other things to do, which were satisfying. I dont believe in just filling up my life with stuff...see what else is there for you and also if there is someone either online or IRL who you can talk to about your social anxiety. There are many effective treatments now...best of luck
     
  3. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    You should probably try to stop spending so much time online, because that will definitely get you down.
    I know because I'm guilty of doing that.
     
  4. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    Thank you for the replies, I'm still waiting for time to heal it but it's very hard. Also I have thought about spending less time online, but there's nothing for me offline really. I can sit. I could watch tv but my mom is at work from early to very late half the time and if i did it'd be by myself or with my stepfather which is kinda awkward. Maybe I'll try whenever my mom is home, I've been wanting to talk to her about all this anyway. It's just really lonely, I have to fight the urge to sign in to MSN. Facebook is useless, i don't do anything on there but I have to fight the urge to check it too. I just keep wanting to see what she's doing, and she's perfectly fine with everyone else. How can you not "hate" someone you used to "love" like this, when this is what i'm left with. I feel so hated by her and i guess i can understand, who wants to listen to me cry and moan about how I lost the one thing i've really cared about like this.
     
  5. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    ^Yeah I hear you… I'm online wayyyyyy too much as well… and I have this sense of random BS just being so important.
    I think I'm addicted, actually.

    If you feel the need to hate her then you should hate her. Personally, I think it's only natural to bring on the hate… you shouldn't be aggressive or confrontational, though… and don't blame her for it. Start putting distance between the two of you and don't do anything stupid to yourself or make the situation worse than it already is.

    Here are some things you can do:

    -Make a mixtape/playlist and start going for long walks. Don't stop until your head is clear/you're exhausted. Perfect the mixtape over the course of a few weeks.

    -Write some lame poems-- don't stop until you're sick of writing them.

    -Start reconnecting with nature-- if there's a river near your house, listen to it for at least 15 minutes. Stare at trees. Look at plants. Watch ants and spiders. It's kind of awesome.

    -Do something dumb that you used to enjoy doing when you were really young. Climb a tree. Splash in a puddle. Think about rainbows. Hug a tree. Go to a pet store.

    -LEGO-- I don't know how old you are, but I still loved this stuff when I was in my late teens.

    -Make a collage-- go to a used bookstore and find some cheap National Geographic magazines. Start making messed-up collages and hang them on your wall. Seriously, my entire bedroom wall used to be plastered with stuff I cut out of NG-- lasers, diseases, foreign countries, insects, artists, artworks, etc… I would sometimes just lay in bed and stare at it and it would be awesome.

    So yeah, you're talking to an experienced reject here… I know all the steps and all the levels.

    I've also done this enough times to know that it WILL get better… and one day you'll wake up and you won't even think about her. You probably won't ever forget, but eventually she won't be such an overwhelming presence in your life… and it will help you to deal with it when/if it ever happens again. Also, eventually you'll just look back on it and smile and it will be like part of growing up for you…

    GOOD LUCK!
     
  6. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    Thank you so much <3 I'll try it. I already have some music i like to listen to lately so it's not just quiet, and i've been trying to exercise so maybe i'll incorporate it into that. //super whimpy and skinny// but hearing all that makes me have a lot of hope. I guess all i can do is try my best.
     
  7. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Hello Just That Guy,
    I can see why you would be upset over what this girl did to you. I think you need to accept what happened but you still don't need to be happy about it. It is hard to see this kind of thing happen and it does take time to heal.

    I think you will find you are far from the only person here who is bad socially with others. I have found myself to be in a similar boat but it does get better with age. I'm sure you will meet someone else. Like gloomy said, try to keep busy and don't just sit around the computer all the time. My recommendation is that you try to keep active both mentally and physically. I think having a good hobby is probably the best place to start. I'd recommend maybe taking up some kind of sport. You don't need to be particularly social to play and you will eventually meet some new people and gradually come out of your shell. I also see in your about me page you say you like to draw. Perhaps you could enroll in an art class or something like that.
     
  8. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Hello Just That Guy,
    I can see why you would be upset over what this girl did to you. I think you need to accept what happened but you still don't need to be happy about it. It is hard to see this kind of thing happen and it does take time to heal.

    I think you will find you are far from the only person here who is bad socially with others. I have found myself to be in a similar boat but it does get better with age. I'm sure you will meet someone else. Like gloomy said, try to keep busy and don't just sit around the computer all the time. My recommendation is that you try to keep active both mentally and physically. I think having a good hobby is probably the best place to start. I'd recommend maybe taking up some kind of sport. You don't need to be particularly social to play and you will eventually meet some new people and gradually come out of your shell. I also see in your about me page you say you like to draw. Perhaps you could enroll in an art class or something like that.
     
  9. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    I really wish I could find more to do. I'm not really sure, I live in the middle of nowhere pretty much. I want to go for walks but I wish i could walk like a nature trail or something, not just down a dirt road. I used to want to golf but I'm not sure I'd really enjoy it, I would feel judged with anyone watching me. I think you have to pay to be a member of this big thing to play anyway and I'd rather not. I'm hoping in my years fresh out of high school I can meet some good friends that share common interests and beliefs that I do. Also I'm very impatient but I have been drawing a lot lately, I think it was mostly in desperation for an outlet though. I'm not sure how an art class would go for me, but i guess there's always the possibility. I would love to learn to play the piano, which is why i have been wanting a keyboard for a while now. I don't know if I would be able to handle lessons but I want to try to get a general understanding of it by myself. I had planned on buying one soon maybe, but I'd rather not spend almost $200 on one if say, it doesn't work out like I hope. Maybe I'll find a cheap one, if nothing else my grandmother has one that she doesn't use I think. I just wanted to make sure it was of good quality for a beginner, you know? Anyway thanks for the support again everyone, I'll keep thinking through what I'd like to do.
     
  10. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Learning to play the piano seems like a great hobby. I tried it and learned to sheet read music but I never really could get much further than learning to play happy birthday on the piano. But hey, if you like it Christmas is just around the corner and a keyboard seems like it would be the perfect gift.

    Golf might be a good hobby but I can understand not wanting to pay for everything. Certain sports can get costly and golf is one of those. As far as feeling judged, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Everyone started off as a beginner at some point in golf. As long as you like doing it I think that is all that matters. I actually was kind of the opposite, I was decent at golf but absolutely hated it. I took lessons for about two years before finally giving up on it.

    I think there is some possibility that you can find something that you like, you just have to keep looking. I know you are in a slump right now but I have faith that you will pull through this. The bottom line is you have to find something that makes you happy and you alone have the power to find that thing that can make you happy.
     
  11. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Learning to play the piano seems like a great hobby. I tried it and learned to sheet read music but I never really could get much further than learning to play happy birthday on the piano. But hey, if you like it Christmas is just around the corner and a keyboard seems like it would be the perfect gift.

    Golf might be a good hobby but I can understand not wanting to pay for everything. Certain sports can get costly and golf is one of those. As far as feeling judged, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Everyone started off as a beginner at some point in golf. As long as you like doing it I think that is all that matters. I actually was kind of the opposite, I was decent at golf but absolutely hated it. I took lessons for about two years before finally giving up on it.

    I think there is some possibility that you can find something that you like, you just have to keep looking. I know you are in a slump right now but I have faith that you will pull through this. The bottom line is you have to find something that makes you happy and you alone have the power to find that thing that can make you happy.
     
  12. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    I've been really down about this again lately. Earlier i saw a post on facebook on her wall that said "Hello, Ms.[new boyfriend's last name]" i'd feel weird about saying it.. and she liked the post.
    I still have her on my msn. It really kills me thinking about her and I've been trying to do walks and I don't really know how to go about doing anything else because I simply don't know what to do. I want to learn piano like i said, but i have no piano. I'm not very active and I feel I would not be satisfied with any kind of sport. Today was a pretty rough day, i was out with my mom shopping and it started off alright then it hit me midway and I started to feel worse and worse, until I got home and it pretty much went to shit. I don't feel very good right now.
    Everything seems so pointless and I want to believe that it will get better but the pressure is so immense. I know I'm the only one who can fix my issues but it's so much to handle for me. I am so stressed over this and I'm thinking about deleting her from my msn.. maybe from everything else too. I really don't want to. I don't want the only thing that's meant this much to me to go away. I just don't get it, she says she doesn't know what to do about anything i'm having trouble with and she's just going on normally in her life, only happier because someone can be there for her. Am i supposed to be happy for her if i love her? I am so confused and still hurting. If there was a chance for us to reconnect, if i delete her that may never happen.. I don't really know what to do.

    I still can't believe this is even happening. All the promises and commitments were so true to me. Ugh I just don't knoow.

    Would deleting her hurt me more ? If I don't delete her will I still hurt more? I feel like either way it's hopeless and I'm gonna keep hurting and hurting.
    I need this to stop but I can't get a grip. I still have the rest of the year, and next year in school.. I still need to get a job but I don't even think i could handle that right now and i've been getting stressed in social situations even more than usual.
     
  13. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    I let the girl of my dreams and the girl I loved more than life itself go about 6 years ago, and I still think about her all the time. We tried to remain friends but it was just too hard, for me at least, because I had never loved someone that much before or since and knowing that she was with some other guy just killed me. As hard is it will be I think you should remove her even if it's just temporary, that way you won't see her FB posts and won't have a reason to think about her. The best thing you can do to get her off your mind is get out there and attempt to look for someone, once I had found someone else it made not thinking about her easier and although I'll probably always love her, having a new woman in your life that you love just makes it easier to let her go.

    Love is a bitch though, isn't it? I never would have thought before I met her that one girl could have so much "control" over me, I never would have thought 6 years down the road I'd still think about her, how much fun we used to have and how much I still love her.
     
  14. Just"That"Guy

    Just"That"Guy Active Member

    Thanks for the reply, although i'm very late. I'm sorry about your girlfriend, and love certainly is a bitch. I feel like i was doing a little better and now i'm slipping back down again, but it's getting harder and harder not to think about it even without facebook and all that. I just keep imagining her perfectly fine and happy without me, with someone else. It hurts a lot. I wish it was easier for me to meet people and get to know them and stuff but i'm just not very sociable and with all the perfectly fine men around, it's so hard for me to compete :/ bleh. especially in my area. I've been feeling more and more worthless because I felt like by getting her i had accomplished something, and now since that's gone i feel so empty because i just don't have anything else other than hope that my emotions just want to tell me isn't there. So frustrating. Thanks for the response though.
     
  15. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    I have those days as well, where you just can't get her off your mind no matter what you do. Luckily those days will pass with time. I'm not very sociable either which yes, does make it very hard to meet new people but have you tried the online thing like plenty of fish? I personally find it much easier to break the ice when meeting someone online than it is in person, plus, with plenty of fish there's a higher possibility of finding a match than at a bar or wherever else people find women these days.