C
hello everyone.
well... first of all i have been depressed for all my 24 years... i live in the worst country in the world.. my parents never told me they love me.. never hug... so when i found my bf i got so attached cause i felt love for the first time, i do love him for real.. and he loves me too.. hopefully still..
we live in different countries though.. and its been hard for years now..
finally we got some plan... for the end of this year.. of me going there to study, its hard to get a visa, involves lots of money, but i was ready to do it with my parents help.
but he has his own problems there too and yesterday got some bad news.. so he called me in a bad mood to tell about stuff.. i wasnt by the phone, was in shower.. and i picked up only 30 mins after when i got out..
so he was already pissed (he easily gets annoyed) and stupid me, only because im always honest, i said that my ring was off even though i didnt matter cause i was away.. so he yelled at me, saying he cant trust me at all, i only say words that mean nothing.. the reason is.. when he was leaving to go back i promised my phone will always be on and ready for him to call anytime... so i understand its stupid.. but still he sees me as words and no actions.. even though i always try to do things.. ive been doing things for us since he left.. but no matter how much good i do.. i always get punished for the small bad i do.....
i think im too nice and too weak.... i never yell at him... when he does it makes me cry.. which probably makes me look so ugly.. i dont want to be a doormat.. i guess thats what i am?????
how do i change?? i dont want to be a bitch, i want to be nice, but i still want to be strong, but i dont know how... cause our relationship is so important to me.. i want to save it no matter what.. but i guess that makes me clingy and weak...
im lost.. we had beatiful plans and now i dont know.....
well... first of all i have been depressed for all my 24 years... i live in the worst country in the world.. my parents never told me they love me.. never hug... so when i found my bf i got so attached cause i felt love for the first time, i do love him for real.. and he loves me too.. hopefully still..
we live in different countries though.. and its been hard for years now..
finally we got some plan... for the end of this year.. of me going there to study, its hard to get a visa, involves lots of money, but i was ready to do it with my parents help.
but he has his own problems there too and yesterday got some bad news.. so he called me in a bad mood to tell about stuff.. i wasnt by the phone, was in shower.. and i picked up only 30 mins after when i got out..
so he was already pissed (he easily gets annoyed) and stupid me, only because im always honest, i said that my ring was off even though i didnt matter cause i was away.. so he yelled at me, saying he cant trust me at all, i only say words that mean nothing.. the reason is.. when he was leaving to go back i promised my phone will always be on and ready for him to call anytime... so i understand its stupid.. but still he sees me as words and no actions.. even though i always try to do things.. ive been doing things for us since he left.. but no matter how much good i do.. i always get punished for the small bad i do.....
i think im too nice and too weak.... i never yell at him... when he does it makes me cry.. which probably makes me look so ugly.. i dont want to be a doormat.. i guess thats what i am?????
how do i change?? i dont want to be a bitch, i want to be nice, but i still want to be strong, but i dont know how... cause our relationship is so important to me.. i want to save it no matter what.. but i guess that makes me clingy and weak...
im lost.. we had beatiful plans and now i dont know.....