do i need to change?

hello everyone.
well... first of all i have been depressed for all my 24 years... i live in the worst country in the world.. my parents never told me they love me.. never hug... so when i found my bf i got so attached cause i felt love for the first time, i do love him for real.. and he loves me too.. hopefully still..
we live in different countries though.. and its been hard for years now..
finally we got some plan... for the end of this year.. of me going there to study, its hard to get a visa, involves lots of money, but i was ready to do it with my parents help.
but he has his own problems there too and yesterday got some bad news.. so he called me in a bad mood to tell about stuff.. i wasnt by the phone, was in shower.. and i picked up only 30 mins after when i got out..
so he was already pissed (he easily gets annoyed) and stupid me, only because im always honest, i said that my ring was off even though i didnt matter cause i was away.. so he yelled at me, saying he cant trust me at all, i only say words that mean nothing.. the reason is.. when he was leaving to go back i promised my phone will always be on and ready for him to call anytime... so i understand its stupid.. but still he sees me as words and no actions.. even though i always try to do things.. ive been doing things for us since he left.. but no matter how much good i do.. i always get punished for the small bad i do.....
i think im too nice and too weak.... i never yell at him... when he does it makes me cry.. which probably makes me look so ugly.. i dont want to be a doormat.. i guess thats what i am?????
how do i change?? i dont want to be a bitch, i want to be nice, but i still want to be strong, but i dont know how... cause our relationship is so important to me.. i want to save it no matter what.. but i guess that makes me clingy and weak...
im lost.. we had beatiful plans and now i dont know.....

 

Hey there,
It sounds like you're having a really tough time right now, and you have a lot to deal with. I understand you getting so attached to this guy, because he showed you the love that no-one else had. And I'm sorry that no-one else in your life had shown you love before. This guy sounds very possessive. Yes, you said that your phone would be on and that he could call any time - but it is not reasonable that he expects to ring and for you to instantly pick up the phone every sngle time. Sometimes you will be busy - like when you were in the shower. That's perfectly reasonable, and he neds to understand that. There is a difference between being there for someone you love, and being at his every beck and call. It sounds a little bit to me as though he is being unfair, and in return for his being unfair, you retaliate back - have you tried explaining to him that when you said you would be there for him, you meant it but thre are going to be occasions when you're in the shower, or doing soething else, and you won't be able to answer the phone for half an hour, or maybe even a few hours. but that doesn't mean that you don't love him, and that doesn't mean that you won't ring him back as soon as you can - just that you won't always be sat with your phone all 24 hours of every day just in case he calls. That is not fair on you.
It's not weak to want to do everything you can to save the relationship, but please be careful that you don't let this guy get too possesive in the meantime - otherwise it will just make you unhappy. I hope you manage to work things out x