I never know if I actually have a problem or not. I think I've had depression for 8 years, since I was 11; and that I've been suicidal the last few months, but I always doubt that that's really true. Maybe I'm just making it all up for attention?
It took me a long time to go see a doctor 'cos I was convinced that when I went in and told them everything, they'd just look at me and say, 'Is that it? Look, we only treat serious illnesses here. If you haven't got a real problem, go away.' or something like that.
So all the time I'm second-guessing and doubting myself. I'm taking medication (4 weeks now) and I've had a bit of counselling but I really feel that I need something drastic to shake this off myself. I want to go to hospital but I don't know if any of my problems are serious enough for them to let me in.
I've been acting really weird these last few weeks, changing mood suddenly, not being able to look people in the eye or talk, staying in one spot for a long time etc. I'm also feeling really demotivated, I've given up basically. I don't think I can fight this any longer on my own.
So, about a week ago, I made a suicide plan for the 8th. At first I was genuinly going to kill myself but since I've never attempted suicide or harmed myself before, I thought I should call an ambulance after about 20 mins of cutting my wrists. I figured it would get me into hospital.
I plan to confess this all to my counsellor and my doctor on the 8th though, and maybe they would put me into hospital without me cutting my wrists?
I know this all seems horribly manipulative but it's just how I've been thinking lately. I'm aware I've got a problem but this just makes it worse. Since I know what my problem is, shouldn't I be able to fix myself?
I do really want help, and with round-the-clock help at a hospital (and different treatments) I thought it would be the best thing for me to get over this rough patch. But I don't know. Are hospital wards full of people with real problems, like schizophrenia, MPD, PTSD etc or are there people like me: depressed and suicidal?
But anyway, I just felt like getting that off my chest...
It took me a long time to go see a doctor 'cos I was convinced that when I went in and told them everything, they'd just look at me and say, 'Is that it? Look, we only treat serious illnesses here. If you haven't got a real problem, go away.' or something like that.
So all the time I'm second-guessing and doubting myself. I'm taking medication (4 weeks now) and I've had a bit of counselling but I really feel that I need something drastic to shake this off myself. I want to go to hospital but I don't know if any of my problems are serious enough for them to let me in.
I've been acting really weird these last few weeks, changing mood suddenly, not being able to look people in the eye or talk, staying in one spot for a long time etc. I'm also feeling really demotivated, I've given up basically. I don't think I can fight this any longer on my own.
So, about a week ago, I made a suicide plan for the 8th. At first I was genuinly going to kill myself but since I've never attempted suicide or harmed myself before, I thought I should call an ambulance after about 20 mins of cutting my wrists. I figured it would get me into hospital.
I plan to confess this all to my counsellor and my doctor on the 8th though, and maybe they would put me into hospital without me cutting my wrists?
I know this all seems horribly manipulative but it's just how I've been thinking lately. I'm aware I've got a problem but this just makes it worse. Since I know what my problem is, shouldn't I be able to fix myself?
I do really want help, and with round-the-clock help at a hospital (and different treatments) I thought it would be the best thing for me to get over this rough patch. But I don't know. Are hospital wards full of people with real problems, like schizophrenia, MPD, PTSD etc or are there people like me: depressed and suicidal?
But anyway, I just felt like getting that off my chest...