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Do I REALLY want to get better? I don't know anymore...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by someone_, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. someone_

    someone_ Active Member

    I'm depressed, obviously. I tried to get myself out of it my way a bunch of times and every failed attempt ends up with me analyzing the hell out of it and having suicidal thoughts. Not necessarily plotting to end my life but obsessed with thoughts about what it'd be like if I was gone.

    It's been like this for years and I know that logically I have to move on. I can't even count how many times I asked for help online and everyone said I should seek professional help. And here it is. I scheduled with a therapist.

    But I feel like canceling it. I know that it'll be awkward and I know that I'll have a really hard time to just say I'm depressed because I'm paranoid. So here I have this chance to try a new method and I can't let go of my depression to do it. It's like I always have to keep myself depressed to satisfy some weird need... even with music. I love relating to depressing songs. I'm disappointed if my mood is slightly better and a sad song I like doesn't make me feel like shit. I'm so tempted to cancel my session. :dry: I really am a lost cause.
  2. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I think alot of people tend to feel like this at some point or another. It's as if the thought of being happy is so strange, and weird, that even though life sucks as it is, if everything was all perfect, or better, nothing would just feel the same anymore.

    I think you get use to feeling a certain way all the time, and yeah it sucks, and you just want to end it, but you grow use to it and you feel comfortable in it so if it were to change, it'd be so strange.

    The thought of getting better can be very scary.. but as much as you want to cancel your appointment, you should definately try it and see how it goes, at least just, you never know what could happen, cos otherwise you might be sitting around wondering "what ifs" and all, just give it a go :)
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Nope you're not. Like flowerpot said when you have been depressed for such a long time even though it is horrid it is the only thing that you know and it is, in a way, comfortable. Letting go of depression is also damn scary, facing the world is scary! Depression allows us to hide away, pretend it doesn't exist, it gives us an excuse to not face the world. I'm not saying that depression is an excuse, hell i know it is very real, but there are days when i feel better and i think - woah wait, i don't seem to be existing from day to day anymore...i have to think about the future....**the thought process gets no further because my head explodes** :dry: But if it does help, what you have been through will always shape the way that you see the world. It isn't possible to be in such pain and for it to not too. But you can learn for this to be a strength nor a hindrence, and maybe in the future you can use what you have been through to help others. Becuase noone truly understand depression unless they've been through it. Best of luck at your appt!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Keep your appointment with the therapist. I think you do want to get better, but part of you is afraid of it. The depressive feelings are what you know and feeling okay with things or even happy is an unknown. This is a topic you can raise with your therapist.
  5. isomyriad

    isomyriad Member

    Be brave....clench fists...
    Grit your teeth and go. It's that kind of measurable thing, even though it seems like a minor success, that starts to give you back a little pride, and self confidence....combine that with therapy...Just talking to someone is so heartening, and I think you may go somewhere...

    I know how horrible the thought of being 'better' can seem...All it's associations, and requirements, seem so alien, and uncomfortable, when you're unhappy......You have all of our support...Good luck!
  6. someone_

    someone_ Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. I'm kinda embarassed to say this considering you actually cared enough to reply but I didn't go.

    I had a shitty night and just stayed hours in bed feeling bad and also thinking if therapy is worth it or not. I mean, I can afford TWO sessions... how much would that help? Plus, I have serious trust issues. Everyone says that, but I take it to the point I don't talk about very private things over the phone because I'm afraid the other side would record the conversation and use it later.

    The therapist called 5 minutes after we scheduled and woke me up, asking me if I'm on my way. I was barely conscious. I told him I was sorry and that I wasn't feeling too well and I really didn't notice the time. He said "Fine, bye" and hung up. Then I emailed a better explanation but no reply. He usually replies like 10 minutes after an email, so he is clearly ignoring me. I sounded pretty awful on the phone and it's not like he won't get those 5 minutes back, so screw him.

    I think I just saved myself from an asshole.

    However I'm still very much alone and have no support. I'm perfectly aware of the next time I'll flip out but I'm comfortable enough to live through that.

    I don't even know what to make of what happened. Do I really not think a few sessions would help or am I just enjoying this mess in a sick way? I try to do things like getting a job but I feel like I can't change the messed up things in my head. There's no support around me, no friends... it's pretty awful.