I'm depressed, obviously. I tried to get myself out of it my way a bunch of times and every failed attempt ends up with me analyzing the hell out of it and having suicidal thoughts. Not necessarily plotting to end my life but obsessed with thoughts about what it'd be like if I was gone. It's been like this for years and I know that logically I have to move on. I can't even count how many times I asked for help online and everyone said I should seek professional help. And here it is. I scheduled with a therapist. But I feel like canceling it. I know that it'll be awkward and I know that I'll have a really hard time to just say I'm depressed because I'm paranoid. So here I have this chance to try a new method and I can't let go of my depression to do it. It's like I always have to keep myself depressed to satisfy some weird need... even with music. I love relating to depressing songs. I'm disappointed if my mood is slightly better and a sad song I like doesn't make me feel like shit. I'm so tempted to cancel my session. :dry: I really am a lost cause.