Do I Use This Forum To Bring Myself Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, May 17, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So you know recently I have noticed that after coming to this forum, I become depressed. I don't know why, however, there have been days when I am feeling semi-happy and then I come here and suddenly it becomes a fight to stay happy. Like coming here is a reminder of how much I suck.

    I am not blaming anyone. So many of you have been so awesome to me. Acy, painfulmemories3, NooneToTrust, rx4bdrm, Aurora Glory Alice just to name those who have impacted me the most. U get a lot of good advice here. Even better I feel heard. Sometimes that is all I want, to have my crying heard. However, there are so many things which hurt me.

    Lets take hugs for instance, they are a plentiful as air here. However, I cannot help but feel at times they hurt me. Am I only good enough to get cyber hugs? Sometimes they just don't do the trick. I will admit I am a hug *****, I love hugs, especially from females. It just hurts me to know there is a wall of bits between me and the one who hits me. I wish there was a way to actually get hugs.

    Next comes my blessing and my curse. When I am online the only people I seem to meet are women. A blessing, I like women they make me feel happy, secure, safe, loved. However, they are my curse as so many of them are so far away. So many who I would like to grow a deeper and physical relationship with. So many who tell me I am a great guy. So many who tell me they crush on me. That I have the ability to find love. All of this it just makes me hurt more. Because in the end I can only meet women online.

    I cannot forget my pool of experience... is what I will call it. I read so many posts. I have to reflect back on all of my misery to give out replies that are helpful and encouraging. However, I am not fixed yet. Negativity easily over powers positivity in my case. So the simple act of remembering my mistake or remembering my sadness allows those feelings to wash me away. Covering me in darkness. Any motivation I had is nothing but sand to the wave. It kills my heart and destroys all the work I have done. I fight it, however, a weak and broken heart can Only do so much.

    I don't know, just brain dumping right now. I have no intention of leaving. I am here to stay. I am grateful to all of those who have spent countless hours listening to my bitching and comforting me. To those who are helping me get stronger. I thank you, none of you guys cause this to happen. It is all me, I do this to myself. I am trying to get over it, I hate To ask but please don't stop. You guys are a nice chunk of light in my dark life. Without some light I won't last I will fall to my darkness.

    Thanks for reading any thoughts would be nice.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way FM....maybe you need a few days break when things start to bring you down.....I had to do this recently when it all became too helps....
    gonna give you another cyber hug...:hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010:Thanks, to be honest I do not know if time off will do me any good. :( I feel some serious withdrawal from isolation recently. It really sucks. Thanks for the hug.
  4. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I know what you mean about this site. On one hand, I am drawn to it because I find myself connecting with a lot of wonderful people who "get" what I am going through.

    But at the same time, it can be pretty tough seeing people so unhappy, and knowing that some may not stay around no matter what we say or do.

    I've seen you reply to a lot of other people, and help them. Whether you realize it or not, that's pretty darn important. You are helping others, and touching people. Okay, maybe it's not physical, but there's a lot more to life than that.

    I know that you've talked about the woman that you are interested in, and you are unsure about how she feels. Maybe it's time to either push for a definite answer, or just walk away. If she's really into wanting something with you, she should be giving out some signs, and it doesn't sound like that is happening.

    And sometimes when we really want a relationship in our lives, is when we are least likely to find one. Maybe we send out the wrong vibes, or push too hard, or who knows. I've seen so many people who has just decided to take a break from finding anyone, who then suddenly find the right person.

    Sounds like you just need to give yourself a break. And again, you are helping people more than you realize. Please see the value in yourself that we all do.
  5. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    I wouldnt consider myself as being useful to anybody on here but I try so I just wanted to send you lots of positive vibes and love x
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @carekitty: Yes I feel drawn to this site as well. I do not have to pretend I like myself, like I do in real life. Which is why I like to come here, I feel less fraudulent.

    I am glad that I at least appear to be helping others. I don't feel like much help. Thanks though.

    I know, I am still holding out on the shy card. I won't say I am not shy. However, to quote a TV show... kind of... "I don't have that much time ". I am on the verge of losing all hope anyway. Go back into the mode I was in college where I Just hated women.
  7. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Hi F M. I'm new to this site but already your posts have helped me to deal with my situation....loneliness is a killer to us all but hang in there and please keep posting.....I wish you all the very best......shaz
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @shazwackers: I am glad I can help. Just wish I could do more to help myself.

    @shamps: Thanks for the vibes. I hope they will help me out.
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