So you know recently I have noticed that after coming to this forum, I become depressed. I don't know why, however, there have been days when I am feeling semi-happy and then I come here and suddenly it becomes a fight to stay happy. Like coming here is a reminder of how much I suck. I am not blaming anyone. So many of you have been so awesome to me. Acy, painfulmemories3, NooneToTrust, rx4bdrm, Aurora Glory Alice just to name those who have impacted me the most. U get a lot of good advice here. Even better I feel heard. Sometimes that is all I want, to have my crying heard. However, there are so many things which hurt me. Lets take hugs for instance, they are a plentiful as air here. However, I cannot help but feel at times they hurt me. Am I only good enough to get cyber hugs? Sometimes they just don't do the trick. I will admit I am a hug *****, I love hugs, especially from females. It just hurts me to know there is a wall of bits between me and the one who hits me. I wish there was a way to actually get hugs. Next comes my blessing and my curse. When I am online the only people I seem to meet are women. A blessing, I like women they make me feel happy, secure, safe, loved. However, they are my curse as so many of them are so far away. So many who I would like to grow a deeper and physical relationship with. So many who tell me I am a great guy. So many who tell me they crush on me. That I have the ability to find love. All of this it just makes me hurt more. Because in the end I can only meet women online. I cannot forget my pool of experience... is what I will call it. I read so many posts. I have to reflect back on all of my misery to give out replies that are helpful and encouraging. However, I am not fixed yet. Negativity easily over powers positivity in my case. So the simple act of remembering my mistake or remembering my sadness allows those feelings to wash me away. Covering me in darkness. Any motivation I had is nothing but sand to the wave. It kills my heart and destroys all the work I have done. I fight it, however, a weak and broken heart can Only do so much. I don't know, just brain dumping right now. I have no intention of leaving. I am here to stay. I am grateful to all of those who have spent countless hours listening to my bitching and comforting me. To those who are helping me get stronger. I thank you, none of you guys cause this to happen. It is all me, I do this to myself. I am trying to get over it, I hate To ask but please don't stop. You guys are a nice chunk of light in my dark life. Without some light I won't last I will fall to my darkness. Thanks for reading any thoughts would be nice.