I'm not really big on this, I don't why I'm posting here, I don't know if I want help; I do know that I want to die. I have been feeling sad/down/depressed for 6-7 years, I don't know what caused it, whether it was my parents divorce, my poor treatment in middle school, the way I thought my father viewed/view me. The only time I don't feel bad is when I refuse to think about my life, past/present/future, who I am, what I look like. I have screwed my future up so terribly that If I somehow got out of this situation, I would still be worse off. I am 19, I am obese, I am introverted, I generally don't like people, the only friends I still have, minus my brother/cousin/ and one other loose friend, are over the internet. My parents, as aforementioned, are divorced, my father remarried to a woman I find annoying, and whose family I hate. My mother is soon to be remarried. I am so lonely that dreams/fantasies are the only company I really have, I am so desperately lonely that I have fallen in love with more than one fantasy, this only hurts me more. This takes A LOT to say, but I feel compelled. I plan to write my will within the hour. I want to die, I think about all the time, but only a few times have I actually had the will to act, or prepare, I bought the means 2 weeks ago. Tonight the despair I have been feeling is overpowering, I've been having the strongest urge just to do it that I have ever had. The only reason I can think of staying alive is because(I'm not joking) I want to see that season of House to see how it ends. I am so lost. I am so broken, and I don't know if I want to be fixed. I don't know. Due to my insomnia, or my belief that I have it, I don't sleep for more than 4-5 hours, and its hard enough to get to sleep. I just want this to be over, I see no end in sight, I see no one helping, I don't want anyone's help, I don't want their sympathy. I don't NEED their pity. I just need someone else to talk to, I just need to talk to someone about this, someone who can pretend that they care well enough so that I believe them. Please, I just want someone who knows this pain to talk to me.