Do I want help? I don't know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Olsen, Jul 28, 2010.

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  1. Olsen

    Olsen Member

    I'm not really big on this, I don't why I'm posting here, I don't know if I want help; I do know that I want to die. I have been feeling sad/down/depressed for 6-7 years, I don't know what caused it, whether it was my parents divorce, my poor treatment in middle school, the way I thought my father viewed/view me. The only time I don't feel bad is when I refuse to think about my life, past/present/future, who I am, what I look like. I have screwed my future up so terribly that If I somehow got out of this situation, I would still be worse off. I am 19, I am obese, I am introverted, I generally don't like people, the only friends I still have, minus my brother/cousin/ and one other loose friend, are over the internet. My parents, as aforementioned, are divorced, my father remarried to a woman I find annoying, and whose family I hate. My mother is soon to be remarried. I am so lonely that dreams/fantasies are the only company I really have, I am so desperately lonely that I have fallen in love with more than one fantasy, this only hurts me more. This takes A LOT to say, but I feel compelled. I plan to write my will within the hour.

    I want to die, I think about all the time, but only a few times have I actually had the will to act, or prepare, I bought the means 2 weeks ago. Tonight the despair I have been feeling is overpowering, I've been having the strongest urge just to do it that I have ever had. The only reason I can think of staying alive is because(I'm not joking) I want to see that season of House to see how it ends. I am so lost. I am so broken, and I don't know if I want to be fixed. I don't know.

    Due to my insomnia, or my belief that I have it, I don't sleep for more than 4-5 hours, and its hard enough to get to sleep.

    I just want this to be over, I see no end in sight, I see no one helping, I don't want anyone's help, I don't want their sympathy. I don't NEED their pity.

    I just need someone else to talk to, I just need to talk to someone about this, someone who can pretend that they care well enough so that I believe them. Please, I just want someone who knows this pain to talk to me.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Olsen, welcome to the forum.
    I can genuinely say that I can see the pain in your writing.

    I personally don't think you've messed up your future-you're 19, you've your whole life ahead of you.

    It's going to be extremely difficult to get over these thoughts without any help.. you posting here is reaching out for help, so you've basically already made a first step :)

    So,you're obese? , with willpower and motivation you can lose weight, seek help from a doctor,dietician, join a fitness club, you can do it!

    Do you have anything to help your insomnia? There's many anti depressants, sleep aids that can make a difference.
    Never give up hope~because hope always exists, the problem is we have to make it happen ourselves. :hug:
     
  3. Olsen

    Olsen Member

    =/ Thanks



    Like I said, I don't know if I want help. You said that this was a me reaching out, maybe you are right, but saying this over the internet to strangers that can't physically affect me in real life, doesn't seem to me something that will work out. I don't know though, I've long since realized I have no idea what I actually think, and believe.
     
  4. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im praying for you. PLEASE PRAY. I will be here if you need a friend. We will all help and we do care. There are great people here,like YOU.

    Love and hope.

    Marty
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ya you want help and you deserve help your thoughts are depression speaking and with proper assistance you won't have to question yourself anymore Get professional help so you can start living okay your only 19 for god sake get help now don't waiste anymore time thinging abt it just do it
     
  6. Olsen

    Olsen Member

    I think I keep telling myself that I do need help, and that I should get it, but I don't think I could go through that. The idea is too disgraceful. The pain I started feeling 9 hours ago hasnt abated, I've never felt this compelled for this long to do it, it feels like my body is urging me to do it, 7 years of this feeling of hopelessness and despair isnt exactly fun. I've set a date. The pain is still here, but I now feel happy, the majority of me hasn't been this happy in months. The remaining parts seem to be agreeing with you, I just hope I have wisdom in time to make the right decision.

    Ive began to think that the reason I posted here was so that someone knew the pain I was in, so that someone in this world knew the suffering I have had to put up with for 7 years.

    Thank you, thank you so much.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2010
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Divorce is never easy. It gets even harder when your parents start a new life. I have seen how divorce can ruin people and for that I am sorry.

    You ask if you want help. The answer is yes because you came here. Those who want to be helped seek it out. It can be hard to find and difficult to accept. You want to be helped though.

    Friends are friends, my best friends live 1000s of miles away from me. They are people who understand and like me. Friends are hard to make in real life. However, you made online friends so you are capable of making offline friends as well. You mentioned your brother and cousin. I say a friend of my brother is a friend of mine.
     
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Olsen, you are only 19, you have a lot to live for. You have been strong for 7 years. You can go a little longer. Soon you will be on your own, in college or having a job. You can begin your own life, and leave the past behind. Things do get better. There are other lonely people out there just like yourself, and people who have gone through similar things like you, who are waiting for your friendship.
    Friendship is an art, you begin somewhere and you practice, you do somethings right, you make mistakes along the way, but you learn from them and you come back and give out again.

    But the reward is worth it. The joy and happiness is the returns for the friendship. But you have to start somewhere, whether it's with volunteering, or helping people who need you. Without people our lives we can't move on or find joy.

    Believe me, there is a lot to live for, but you have to try in small ways first, and then some.

    Get some sleep, see a doctor and get help. Be kind to yourself, and remember all the great things about yourself that you have forgotten, your sensitivity.
    You have talents, uniqueness that only you can express.

    Please reach out to a counselor or doctor and get help.
    Take care of yourself, my friend.
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    How're you feeling today hun? :)
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Olsen. I'm sorry to hear that you're parents got divorced and now they are remarrying other people, but please don't give up hope that your life may improve. Instead of planning your death, why not plan on how you can lose some weight and improve your life. You're only 19. Also, 4-5 hours of sleep is a good night's sleep in my book if you cant get 6-8 hours. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  11. Olsen

    Olsen Member

    I'm doing a lot better now. I had no idea the relief actual pain would give.

    I should have clarified, its 4-5 hours of sleep, when I can sleep.

    I still plan on doing it though, I'm thinking very clearly right now, and I still think it's my best, if not only, option.
     
  12. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    You want help.

    If you don't get help you end up in my state.

    Helpless and almost surely to take your life(I plan on doing it next week)

    I don't want people to walk down the same road I choose.
     
  13. Olsen

    Olsen Member


    I'm already at your point, I appreciate those words.

    Good luck to you.
     
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