Safety & Support
I have been asking myself these questions for a little while now. I have a lot of pain that I think I mask very well that I cannot express to anyone in any way shape or form. I really want the pain to just go away. I have done so many desperate acts over the past few months. Pathetic attempts to try and kill myself through overdoses, blood letting and blowing air into my veins and taking gtn spray that I dont need. I knew every time these attempts wouldnt kill me so why did I still do them? Am I being half hearted about killing myself? Do I really want to kill myself? Do I just want the pain to go away? Did I feel peaceful when I was trying to hurt myself and did my pain go away momentarily? I dont know I cant work it out. I do have a method up my sleeve that this time I know 100% would work and if some miracle happened and I was resuscitated I would recover over a few weeks but have no lasting damage. I just have to make sure no one finds me. I have written a goodbye note to my fiance. I have a lot of things ready. But Im not ready to do it. I am kinda hoping I will never be ready. I dont want to have to put my family through this. But I dont know how I can get out this pain. I have a therapist coming to see me at home on Weds but I know it will be the same old shit every mental health person says to me. I want to give it a go but theres no way Im going to be able to get how I feel out. In some ways I want to do a bit of soul searching. I had an interesting discussion with a lecturer at uni who is psychology trained who came to see me on placement as they were all panicking about my behaviour. She said that when I was bullied I never got over the fact Im not the person I was and she thinks Im grieving that person and that is holding me back into dealing with all my other problems. I dont know but maybe I could start there.