Do I want to die? Or do I just want the pain to stop?

I have been asking myself these questions for a little while now. I have a lot of pain that I think I mask very well that I cannot express to anyone in any way shape or form. I really want the pain to just go away. I have done so many desperate acts over the past few months. Pathetic attempts to try and kill myself through overdoses, blood letting and blowing air into my veins and taking gtn spray that I dont need. I knew every time these attempts wouldnt kill me so why did I still do them? Am I being half hearted about killing myself? Do I really want to kill myself? Do I just want the pain to go away? Did I feel peaceful when I was trying to hurt myself and did my pain go away momentarily? I dont know I cant work it out. I do have a method up my sleeve that this time I know 100% would work and if some miracle happened and I was resuscitated I would recover over a few weeks but have no lasting damage. I just have to make sure no one finds me. I have written a goodbye note to my fiance. I have a lot of things ready. But Im not ready to do it. I am kinda hoping I will never be ready. I dont want to have to put my family through this. But I dont know how I can get out this pain. I have a therapist coming to see me at home on Weds but I know it will be the same old shit every mental health person says to me. I want to give it a go but theres no way Im going to be able to get how I feel out. In some ways I want to do a bit of soul searching. I had an interesting discussion with a lecturer at uni who is psychology trained who came to see me on placement as they were all panicking about my behaviour. She said that when I was bullied I never got over the fact Im not the person I was and she thinks Im grieving that person and that is holding me back into dealing with all my other problems. I dont know but maybe I could start there.

 

I often ask myself the same question 'Do I want to end my life or do I just want to end all my pain?' - so I can relate to what you are saying.
I have attempted suicide a number of times but pretty much know the attempts won't succeed.
I think you have identified a key trigger for all your pain with the bullying you suffered and that would be a good place to start when you are comfortable with the counsellor - take your time.
I really hope that you are able to move forward and that the counselling helps you xxx

 

I can relate to all that, I know I just want the pain to stop but sometimes (now) it seems that the only way that will happen is for me to die. Keep telling yourself you have had good times and you will have good times again you just have to hang on and keep fighting -that is what i am telling myself.

 

That is how I feel too. I want it to stop hurting and I'm scared that one day I'll kill myself, especially I was so close to it last Friday, but maybe there is something else that can stop the pain? Maybe its not terminal?

 

I think its definately a big part of my life. Its just. I dont know. I think it started before then. I lost my Grandad at 11 and although I was devastated at losing him and it did change my life its just hmmm. All my life Ive been easily influenced. And if Im true to myself when I started feeling angry/depressed at probably 12 years old I guess I was a bit of an attention seeker with it. I dont know whether that was because of how young I was or what. I think its because I was lonely. When I was 11 my parents moved right across town and I didnt get to see my friends anymore. I then had a bad internet addiction then I never went out. I think it became a vicious circle. Then the self harming. Then the bullying. Then my anger. Then Inmoved to a new town. Then more bullying to the point I forgot who I was and tried to kill myself. I was never the same after that. Some terrible things have happened in the past three years that i cant get over either. I guess Icant forgive and move on. Im just a mess.

 

That reminded me of an exercise that a counsellor once asked me to do. He asked me to plot the important events in my life along a time line and it really brought home all that I had been through and still survived
I think you can say the same - you have been through all of that and you are still here, battling on.
You are stronger than you think you are xxx
Maybe starting with your grandads death would be a good place to begin - it is never too late to deal with emotions we never got to deal with
Could you maybe do a time line of all the good things that have happened in your life just to remind you that there are good times ahead?

 

For me the truth is I want the pain to stop and I want to live a fulfilling, happy life. At times, however, the pain of life as it is, rather than as I would have it be, is so great that what I really want seems impossible, and death is then a viable option. For nearly my entire life I impulsively repeat destructive mantras to myself -- "I hate my life and I want to die." It becomes such a habit that I repeat it without thinking; like breathing. When this happens, it feels like stopping the pain will never happen.