Do people know why you are so down? Do you feel guilty for not telling them?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by paul777, Jul 23, 2010.

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  1. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    I think my parents (I live at home presently) know I'm depressed.

    My mom keeps asking me "are you o.k?" and looking into my eyes.

    I want to say no and tell her everything, but don't want her to worry either.

    I have a physical/cosmetic problem so it's not like she could help anyway.

    Should I just come clean? I feel guilty for being so moody. All they want is for me to be happy, you know job, partner, children and house.

    Instead I'm moping around the house while life passes me by.

    Today I woke up and didn't make it to college (again). It's only 3 days a week and I can't even do that.

    7 years ago I would work 50+ hours a week and do two A levels in the evening. That person seems gone forever, how can someone decline so much?

    Another great start to a day. Talk about an oxygen theif
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI Paul....if your Mum is asking you are you ok then she is already worried about you so I say tell her how you are really feeling and let her help and support you....
    sounds like you need to talk to a doctor and maybe have some therapy...
    Let her help you through this....
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well I've been the same way ever since I started highschool. So all the kids I go to school with know nothing other than what I am at my current state. But no one really does know the actual me.

    I remember maybe 2 years ago when my mum found out I was cutting on my wrist(only had been for maybe a few days). She grabbed my hand and said "You know you can talk to me about these things....". I feel distant from basically everyone in my life. I don't feel close to anyone. Once I had come home from school that day(she found out before I went to school in the morning etc) and just as I was about to go to bed, dad basically asked me "Is everything ok at school?". Because my mum was trying to get me to tell her why I was doing what I was doing. She kept asking me all these different things and stuff. I basically ended up making it seem as though I just didn't see a point in what I was doing at school, and mum thought I was getting bored because it was too easy or something.

    I also remember my dad saying that mum is really stressed and worried about it. I guess it's best if they don't know that I want to be dead most of the time. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    I don't think an awful lot of people would understand how I feel. Maybe that's why I don't want to tell anyone how I feel.

    I know that one day, something will happen. I can only hope that it's for the better....not the worse. :sigh:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2010
  4. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    Yeah but if you tell someone and they can't help you, aren't they just gonna worry more? How would it change anything?
  5. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying guys.

    I lost my career a year ago so that was on top of my physical problem.

    My mom was proud of me as no one in my family had done higher education before.

    Now I'm lounging about at home thinking about suicide all day.

    She has had issues herself and has had more than one suicide attempt.

    I don't think I will tell her my problems becaause she has her own.

    She has just borrowed me 1400 to do a hgv course so I can get my licence to drive a lorry. I think it would do me good to hit the road and I will be seeing new places.

    Trouble is the six day course starts on 31 august which is five weeks away.

    It's going to be a long five weeks.

    Sorry to hear about your problems long road, hope you are no longer cutting?
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Thankfully I've stopped. I alternated to my right thigh instead of my wrist because of concealment issues. But all in all I've stopped cutting, had a few feelings of just wanting to do it because of anxiety etc. I should probly see if I can get some meds for that sometime :(.

    I hope you can make it safely to your lorry drivers course :)

    good luck :hug:
  7. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member


    Glad to hear you are not cutting, well done.

    I was on citalopram for anxiety and they helped me alot. I may ask my doctor to go back on meds. It is worth it to not feel suicidal all the time.

    I just got a call saying the 6 month course the job centre put me on have terminated my position, because I called in sick too much.

    I'm glad actually because it's not what I wanted to do. It was getting me down the thought of attending classes for 7 months, and still being on unemployment money.

    Now I can wait for my HGV course as its what I would like to do.

    I think if you are satified with your job you are half way there. Not having to worry about money and having half your time occupied.

    This sitting at home all day is soul destroying.

    Why do did you cut longroad? I mean is there a specific problem, or do you just feel depressed generally?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2010
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Some of my friends know about my suicidal feelings, but they can't understand the reasons for it (which is fair enough, as I don't really know the cause of my depression myself).

    My family don't know, and don't want to know. My mother saw the cuts on my arm once but made sure there were other people around when she asked about it. Whether this is to make sure I lied, or just so she wouldn't have to deal with the answer I don't know.

    But a few weeks ago she saw the scars on one of my legs, which are much worse than my arm as this is my usual place to cut, but she never said a word. So clearly, she doesn't actually want the truth, which is just fine with me, as that's one conversation I could do without.

    So I don't feel guilty for not telling them, because they could ask if they really want to know. As IV2010 said, if your mum is asking you, it seems she really does want to know and help you. I know you say she has her own problems, but because of that she will understand your feelings, and perhaps you can support each other. I think you need to talk to someone, and get some support for the next five weeks and beyond. It's so good that you're doing this course, I hope you enjoy it and love your new career!

  9. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Mim

    Thanks for replying

    I do want to tell my mom, in addition to not wanting to worry her, I feel so stupid how I got myself into this mess.

    I am going to talk to my doctor and tell her I'm feeling suicidal. It's been six years since I was this bad, it's really come back with a vengence.

    As for your mom, maybe it's her way of coping (not asking), I'm sure it upsets her that your cutting yourself.

    I am looking forward to my driving course. The job centre had put me on a course (computers) for 6 months but it wasn't what I wanted to do. I would have also had to be on unemployment money all that time. They have took me off today and I am glad.

    I think if you have a job your satisfied with you are part way there. A relationship (romantic) another part way there (to happiness). I have neither at the moment which is enough to get anyone down I suppose?

    I wish I could fall in love again. What a feeling that was.
  10. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Sitting at home can basicly make you go insane, :laugh:. The 'stagnation' of this can get to ya and it ends up developing into some sought of paranoia. Well I guess that happens with me if I spend extended periods of time doing very little.

    The pain from cutting distracted me in a way. Made me feel different from the usual boringness and seemingly pointless life I live. At times I don't even know if I'm depressed. How can one tell when they feel the same way for extended periods of time and sometimes quite frequently? It's gotten to the point where my life has just become one massive 'lul' that I can barely see the difference in my feelings.

    Some days are better then others. But the bad days are getting worse. Especially the loneliness, and I thought I wasn't affected by it, I guess I was wrong...:unsure:
  11. I think a big reason why I am so down is because 1) I hate my husband and 2) I am in love with some other dude I cheated on him with 2 years ago. (yes, I know that is f***ing insane). Part of me doesn't even think I am in love with this particular guy, just that he reminds me of a time when I was in a complete state of euphoria and leaves me wondering how the hell I could connect so deeply with some random guy moreso than the man I have been married to. I just detest my husband and don't have the balls to try to divorce him for some odd reason. Especially now since we have a kid. Now it seems as if death is the only way out of this mess.
  12. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    paul777, this is a very good thread.
    I think you should tell your mom, because it will hurt her more if she doesn't know. It will also increase your desire to get well, in my opinion, so that you don't let her down.
    It will take a lot of the power out of your desire to cut.
  13. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    someonesinthewolf, this problem is solvable, so no need to kill yourself over it. Time can take care of this problem. Do the right thing. Emotions do die, or they go on the back burner.
  14. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member


    Your guilt is understandable. Having not been married myself I will not try to give you advice.

    Sounds like you have alot though, child, two men who want you, I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your child.


    Thanks. I do feel guilt because the decisions that got me here were selfish. I may well tell her as we are very close.

    My doctor is away for 2 weeks and I prefer to talk to her rather than a different G.P. Perhaps I will be able to pick myself up without going back on meds? I have been happy witout meds before.

    Something strange has happened lately though, and it is a sure sign I am in serious dire straits generally.

    You know when you see someone you haven't saw for ages from behind or from the side and you call them. You know, "hows it going, haven't saw you for ages".

    Instead of doing that I have kept a low profile and hoped they didn't see me. It has happened at least 3 times over the past 6 weeks. How sad
  15. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Since I have lived in the same town of 20,000 people or so for 18 years, everybody knows everybodies business. The few close friends I have, are well aware of my issues and what I am capable of doing. Especially this time of year. My boss is on a need to know basis. All he needs to know is that if I need to go home early, its in everybodies best interest to let me go. And he does. No questions asked. I just feel sorry for the folks that dont know me very well and try to offer advise on things they know nothing about and catch me at a bad time. I dont feel guilty at all. I dont seek attention so I do my best to keep my demons inside when it comes to associates or acquaintances. They really dont need to know whats going on inside my head.
  16. flowingriver...I was just going to come back to this thread and attempt to delete that message I sent since that is really not the reason why I am depressed. I always try to blame it on someone else but the truth is no matter who I am with, where I am, what I am doing, I will and have always been depressed. That was just that angry lashing-out part of my depression getting the best of me. I know deep down that being with someone new is not going to solve my problems. My problem is finding the joy in life and trying not to lose sight of it.
  17. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member


    When I talk of felling guilt I mean to those close to you.

    I feel guilty for not telling my family why I am so depressed.

    At the same time I don't want to burden them with it, and am not sure it would help.
  18. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Sorry for misunderstanding your post. I am married and do have a son. That is all I have left on this planet. I do share with them when I am down or worse. If I didnt, I do think it would be unfair to them. They are my life and dont want to alienate them. They help me through the day, every day. If they didnt know how I feel, they cant help. Reverse rolls, if it were them that were depressed and didnt confide in you, how would you take it? What if they took their own life and didnt tell you why. How would you feel? I would feel guilty as hell, as I do, due to two suicide deaths in my family. If I would have only known how depressed they were, I may have been able to help and may still have them today. I would share my feeling with the people I am close to if I were in your shoes, and I do just that, good or bad.......just my $.02...........
  19. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Paul, im in a similar situation. I quit my job and moved home to goto school. But now Im severly depressed again and she sees it. She knows I have always had a problem with it. Here lately I guess I just can't hide my feelings because she seems to know something is up. Really didn't help that she came into my room and saw one of my guns laying out. She came back to me 20 minutes later crying saying she couldn't deal with me being gone. I lied about it and said I was just cleaning it and didn't put it back. I really want to tell her but I know she can't help me, she has never been able to help in that department. Do I want to tell her? Hell ya, I want everyone to know so I can get better, but the disease won't let me. Your lucky in that your mom has been in the same place as you, tell her. She already knows, so tell her and maybe she can help you through it or at least she will have understanding as to why you are acting the way you are. Paul, I don't mean to intrude or pry, but can you talk about this physical issue? Believe me, alot of us suffer from depression because of body image and physical issues. My self image definitely plays a role in the depression.
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm not down, but when I'm unwell...(and I'm talking about my sister and mother here), the reactions can be as bad as a kinfe cutting me up in pieces. So I don't. I have trouble opening up to people when I'm feeling shit, generally..

    No I never felt guilty, they don't need to know, and aren't entitled to know.
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