Do Promises have a Shelf Life

[ozinuk]

After many many visits with psychiatrists. psychologists and councillors on my own and with my wife, my wife made me a promise (2 years ago) that if I could find a way to make it to May 2009 (relatively unscathed) she would move back to Australia with me. This promise was hard to live up to (on my part) the constant feeling of dread, worthlessness, loneliness and grief was at time to much to bear BUT here I am less than a month to may.:smile:

This is great I hear you say :goodjob:, good work, well done, keep up the good work and finally there's light at the end of the tunnel. What a crock of sh*t she just been informed me that this is not going to happen because thing haven't been as bad as they could have been she now doesn't see the need to keep that promise. Back to the start back to the dark back to mistrust back to where I belong.

Do Promises have a shelf life apparently so and I've exceeded mine the last 2 years have been a total lie:blue:

 

[Scum]

I'm so so sorry that she let you down so badly. I can't understand that at all to be honest, other than there must be other reasons for her to backtrack, and those reasons are likely to be nothing to do with you, she has used you as an 'excuse'.

I think you have done amazingly to fight so hard, and I can see that holding on for something that was important to you gave you the reason to fight, and the reason to hold on.

This is not actually your issue, this is your wife's problem because SHE was the one who let you down. Yes, her problem has been made yours, but her choices are not a reflection on you, but a reflection on her.

Is there anything else that you can find to hold on to that could help you get through? It doesn't have to be anything massive, or anything really far in the future, just something to hold on for. Is there anyone you can talk to, who can support you in 'real life'? Like a therapist or anyone?

I don't deal well with rejection, or abandonment or hurt, and I can really appreciate how much this must be messing with you, but keep fighting.

 

[ozinuk]

There may well be someone out there I can talk to BUT in 2007 my confidence was betrayed by my psychiatrist. Apart from suffering from severe depression I also have the joys of post traumatic stress disorder (due to time in the army) to deal with. Well there are certain parts of my military life I kept private and only shared with my psychiatrist that was until the day my wife started berating and questioning me about things that only I and psychiatrist knew this single act of betrayal set me back on the road I am travelling today. So as a result I have not trust in them, if it happened once it can happen again.

 

[Scum]

Yeh, I can relate to that too, but just because something can happen again, doesn't mean it will. Maybe you could look for a private counsellor and start to build some trust in them?

I was seeing a counsellor and she completely abused my trust (and the relationship) and messed with the boundaries. It took me three years before I got back in a therapeutic relationship and me and my current T are working through as much as we can, and she has worked really hard to gain my trust. Yes, there have been times when she has made mistakes, but we have tried to work through it together.

If things are that bad, then maybe you don't have a lot to lose by trying to find someone? It could make the world of difference to you.

 

[ozinuk]

Scum I confronted my wife and asked for an explanation to why she broke that promise and she admitted that she had no intention of living up to that promise and she also said promises really can't be kept, I then replied the promises we made to each other and to all the guests at our wedding is something that also can be broken, No she replied they are different because they were based on love and I replied and the promise you made to me about moving was based on a lie. That is where the conversation finished

I have tried on numerous occasions to get over this barrier of mistrust and after what had happened it is a hill to far, so I'm afraid things have now reached a point where I feel there is no point left to go on. I have been betrayed by my psycharist, psycologist and my wife I can't open up to these people now I cannot trust or rely on anyone not even myself........things are hopeless.
Sorry for the rambling

 

[WildCherry]

First of all, you can ramble as much as you want to. You don't ever have to apologize.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry your wife (and everyone else) felt the need to break your trust. It's just cruel. You didn't deserve to be hurt that way.

I know learning to trust again, is hard, and painful, and scary. But it's possible. When you've been betrayed, it can feel like the whole world is against you, and you don't know where to turn or who to trust. But if you start out slow, you'll find out that there are people who can be trusted.

 

[fromthatshow]

I am sorry as well.
They shouldn't have a shelf life :hug:

 

[ozinuk]

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply, I know the people I can trust or trusted and they're all dead. They were mates who have found peace these people were school friends, serviceman whom I trusted with my life and 2 close relatives (bipolar). I trusted them because they never judged me we were all in the same boat taking the same journey but getting off at different stops....... I miss these people, we would talk, we would laugh and we would cry we never judged each other............ nobody did.

You know what my stepdaughter said to me tonight she told me to stop being pathetic and you know what she's right. My Daughters rang me today I never told them what was going on they are in Afghanistan and the last thing they need is a distraction they need to focus the last thing they need is me telling them thing haven't workout the way they were planed. I can't tell them they'd be disappointed with me.:sad:

 

[WildCherry]

Your stepdaughter isn't right. You aren't pathetic. You have every right to feel the way you do because your trust has been broken. She had no right to make you a promise and then break it.

 

[Scum]

Wow. I'm actually compeltely gutted about how few morals your wife has. I'm appalled by her behaviour, and I'm so sorry that her lack of morals has put you in this horrid place.

I agree with WildCherry, you are not pathetic. You have actually been let down in a huge way and of course, with everything else that's happened to you, that's a huge blow, and will be incredibly hard to move past. Hard, but doable, if you want to.

Have you thought about maybe trying support groups? You might find people with similar problems, and it might be less intense than one to one therapy. It might also help you feel less alone with what's going on.

 

[ozinuk]

That grain of sand in my signature is going to be removed because there's one to many on this beach.:sad:

 

[WildCherry]

But if the grain of sand was removed, it WOULD be noticed.

I know you're hurt, betrayed ... probably experiencing a ton of different emotions at once. But you can make it through. You don't have to do it alone.

I'm always around if you want to talk, you can PM me anytime.

 

[ozinuk]

A grain of sand will only be missed if it is of importance, once it is gone from the beach it is quickly forgotten and replaced. In reality they are of little importance, like a blade of grass, a speck of dust and like me...... the alternative is so appealing. My wife knows I always keep my promises a pity she can't.

 

[WildCherry]

You're not that grain of sand though. Your life has value, importance.

What your wife did was cruel; cruel isn't even a strong enough word for it. But it doesn't have to ruin you. Your life means something.

 

[darkrider]

I remember your post about buying dinner for a homeless man when everyone else wanted him removed from the tent area. And you said you later found out he had been beaten to death.

That post is probably the only thing that spared me any faith in this world.

 

[d-pressed]

Hi there,

I don't know the full background but you've been obviously been betrayed by someone who means a lot to you, and it's simply an insult after all the efforts you have made to get to this point.

Your stepdaughter is wrong to say that you're 'pathetic' - this is not something you can be expected to 'snap out of.' What you are experiencing is real, it is not a plea for attention, and you need support right now because you are not getting it from your family. They probably don't mean to be malicious - they just simply don't understand.

The progress you have made and will make from now has to be for you and you alone. Get help, and keep going. You're human and entitled to have feelings - it is not a sign of weakness.

All the best

 

[ozinuk]

Hi there,

I don't know the full background but you've been obviously been betrayed by someone who means a lot to you, and it's simply an insult after all the efforts you have made to get to this point.

Your stepdaughter is wrong to say that you're 'pathetic' - this is not something you can be expected to 'snap out of.' What you are experiencing is real, it is not a plea for attention, and you need support right now because you are not getting it from your family. They probably don't mean to be malicious - they just simply don't understand.

The progress you have made and will make from now has to be for you and you alone. Get help, and keep going. You're human and entitled to have feelings - it is not a sign of weakness.

All the best

I have no faith in the system, they are part of the problem as I see it .

 

[Stranger1]

Why don't you find a new therapist and pay cash, that way there is no paper trail for your wife to follow.. A good therapist can help you work thru this..And as Scum suggested maybe join a support group.. If your wife asks where your spending your time just tell her your keeping promises to your self. Let her stew on that one for a while..You definitely need some one on one contact with a professional and I have found therapists to be the most faithfull..Good luck to you!!

 

[WildCherry]

I agree with Stranger. You deserve to get help, to rebuild your life, and you can do it without having to tell your wife exactly what you're doing or where you're going. I know it would take time for you to even consider trusting someone again, but at least it's a starting point. Your life is worth fighting for.

 

[d-pressed]

I have no faith in the system, they are part of the problem as I see it .

Then, it is about regaining faith. You said you had a particularly awful experience with a doctor who then violated your agreement of confidentiality. I have to say that it is quite rare. It's going to simply be a case of finding someone else - be it a doc or a therapist - and for them to earn your trust. Then healing can really start.