Do some people keep this feeling?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akai, Aug 29, 2016.

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  1. Akai

    Akai New Member


    I hope I dont break any rules. I'm sorry if I inadvertently do.

    This last week I've wanted to commit suicide.

    I suffer from depression and have been since I was 16. I've had countless treatment of medication and counselling both together and seperately. I moved to a new country a year ago because I'd always wanted to live here and it was nice removing myself from a lot of reoccuring problems I had no control over. A lot of my depression is both triggered by situations, and imbalances. This last one was a situational trigger. But this time it's felt different.

    I'm tired of having hope and wanting to try again. I feel like its happened too many times. I'm not a child or a teenager anymore. Why do I constantly feel like I want to die? I've rationalised it in my head. I know people will be upset, I know that I didn't make myself this way. I also know it's not a cry for help. I don't want anyone to notice me. I just want to quietly fade away.

    I haven't tried it yet. It needs planning. Things have to be done properly I feel, certain things need to be put in place. I don't want to fail and wake up from that knowing that I've failed. It would be worse than it is now. I've researched it and all the things that could go wrong and I've thought and still thinking about how to avoid them. Surprisingly I'm calm. It's not hysterical, I'm not crying but the pain is there. I go to work and pretend everything is ok because I know if someone realises all will be lost. I've even spoken to someone. It's not made me feel any better.

    What I want to know is has anyone just continued with this pain? How do you cope? I know people say it goes away and you find things worth living for, but does it? Has everyones pain just dissappeared or do some people still live continue to live with it? And why?

    Thank you
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Akai. You asked how others have coped if they continued with the pain. So here is my "story"...

    I "continued" with the pain...I decided I want to live with grace and dignity - even if things were not perfect for me. It was essential to me not be one of the statistics of a sad life with a sad end. I had to find new ways to live and see myself and the world so that my life would be the best I could do with it.

    I looked for new "non-desctructive" (and when possible "constructive") coping mechanisms when I fell into the darkness. It took some time for it to work. Lots of practice. And I had to expect and accept that sometimes there will be hard situations where I need to keep going in spite of things.

    My coping methods were activities that distracted me or that gave me a sense of pleasure in spite of the hardship or hurdle. To cope I tried to do something creative (writing, cooking, drawing, colouring books - and I didn't have to be "good at it" - I just had to try); did stuff that made me feel the world has some good in it (e.g., feeding the squirrels at the park, playing with my cat, seeing spring flowers in the woods, hiking, bird watching); things that connected me to kind people (volunteering to help others); sleeping - if the world was really feeling harsh to me, I went to bed, turned on my favorite music, and cried and slept it out; learning to be firm when I say "no" (I still am very consciou of the need for this and have to work on it). I learned to enjoy and acknowledge even the smallest things that made me laugh or smile - so that those moments would lodge in my mind as strongly as the things that upset me.

    Finally, I had counselling, to discuss my feelings, what might be behind them, how to ride them out...My counsellor supported me as I learned that the strong feelings in a bad moment do subside. In the heat of the moment, it's very hard to think things through, so it's important to understand and "know" that bad situations and feelings are not the ONLY ones in life, and that we can tolerate them, and then do things that help. The feelings and depression can make us feel there are no answers, but when we let the difficult feelings settle, and we "do not act on the feelings," we can find better options when we are less upset. Counselling took effort and a willingness to change some behaviors and attitudes. It was challenging, but DOABLE. Talking helped me understand my feelings. The skills I learned taught me I am not just how badly I feel sometimes. Feelings are just feelings and they come and then settle down. What we do constructively - or at least non-destructively - to to ride things out and make the best life we can are the things things that helped me.

    I hope this long blurb helps you. :) Be safe. *hug*
    OCDNihilism and lifetalkz like this.
  3. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel you are so "depressed" (I start to believe this word serves more as a hiding mechanism for the real underlying issues that proceed it)? As they say, depression is a symptom of something else, not the cause. It is still a cause for the ways our brain is wired to behave under such a thing that mades us depressed, but as people are different, depression is different. "Depression" is very vague to deal with... Can we know more about your past? Your struggles? Your demons?

    I noticed this by reflecting about it myself, not only through loneliness and isolation alone, but talking to someone, who will help you be aware of things you didn't know about yourself, that you couldn't imagine are making you feel this way.

    To who did you spoken? They say talking is enough.. It's not true.. A therapist doesn't just listen to you, he makes you tell him what he needs to listen to help you... Then, by talking, he knows he will discover the things he needs and you will also start to realize it.. I will have my first appointement next week.. But I had this kind of back and forth with someone close to me. So, that's why saying you are depressed isn't enough or how you feel. There are always reasons for it, so that's where things need to go. I think it's required braveness in reaching for help, even more for those who think they have more to hide, to be ashamed..

    I am younger than you. I might even feel life is a prospect for the future right now, but it doesn't mean, that tomorrow it will stay the same... So, you ask me why do I keep going? Maybe I am lucky pain wasn't hitting me hard enough. Maybe when this opressive symptoms that dissipate for a while makes me not even ask if I want to live my life, so I just live it... It's the depression that creates the thought. If not, I believe killing yourself by a cold and calculated reasoning, is a complete aberrational thing, in a way. You need help first. Believe me, I've been in my worse depths this week before, so I am not just trying to make you hold on with just what you think is bullshit, because I have been there too.

    Let me know more about yourself. It's the only way anyone can help you, is by really knowing you, and you might not know what that really means yet, as you might not know yourself as you think.
  4. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, I completly ignored the part you said you already had treatment and were medicated. What treatment was it really? Did they only diagnosed you with depression?
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