So, I've been having suicidal thoughts more often this month. My existence is not an enjoyable one. I don't wan't to hurt anyone, but I also want to end my hurting. I feel that no one (family or friends) is reaching out for me. This summer, I was also really ad and mentioned to anyone that would listen that. Was suicidal. Do you know what I often heard? "Why would you want to do that to me?" They made it seem as if I was pondering "hmmm, how can I devastate someone? Oh yeah, I know, I'll kill myself." That is not the case, I just want to end my pain. It's not about hurting them. I tried to fight a little harde and went to the hospital for a few days over the summer in order to give medication another try. It didn't work. But it made them feel better. But I still feel the same, if not worse than I did over the summer. They have to know things are not good for me, they know my situation has not improved since the summer. But it saddens them if they think about it, I guess. So they go about their lives without checking up on me. Without texting or calling to say they love me. Without coming to visit me. And I just lay here in my bed and cry all day. Wondering how I will make this pain go away and stay away. Sometimes I feel that if they knew how close I was to just overdosing on sleeping pills, then I would have more support. But part of me feels like they already know, and just don't care. Then there are the ones that have said that I mention suicide for attention and that I "like feeling this way." I know it sounds silly, but part of me wants to do it so they'll see how serious I really am. I know that's mean...but do they know and just don't care?