Do you believe that you have to love yourself in order to be loved?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Aurora Gory Alice, May 14, 2009.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    This is actually in response to Blackness recent poll/post about 'Do You Hate Yourself'. It got me thinking.

    People are always saying 'how can you expect anyone to love you if you first cannot love yourself?'

    But so many of us on here are in relationships and so many of us on here hate ourselves.
    I have two friends who actually met their partners on this website, I have said to both of them surely this can't be healthy, being with someone who is suffering also, won't you just set each other off and so on... but both of them seem to be very happy with their boy/girlfriends and they've said if anything that person has helped them.

    I can see now how it might be easier to have someone who understands what you are going through as opposed to someone who gets frustrated when you are down and cannot relate.

    But people constantly talk about how they are attracted to confident people who are happy in their own skin and so on and so forth. So - okay before I ramble on too much; what do you guys think?
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Oh I always end up with people who've gone through serious shit and have a lot of problems. To be understood is very important in a relationship. To be with someone who is also suicidal is a good thing I think! You can help each other because who better to help someone who is suicidal than someone who is also feeling that way? We know what to say and what not to say, and that most often nothing needs be said at all but just to be there and listen and make them feel loved and not judged.

    But as far as having to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I don't know about this. I think it is true. But I suppose it could be possible for someone to love you but you reject their love, making it impossible for you to feel loved until you love yourself.
  3. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Because I hate myself so entirely I cannot imagine what others find attractive about me, so then I end up distrusting them and pushing them away. It is a constant pattern in my life, so I'd agree with that statement.
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Yes Yes Yes!

    You have to love yourself in order to get into a healthy relationship. Now when people like you, you get a burst of confidence, so you can appear in a relationship. But when the thrill of having one person likes you fade, then your depression returns and people are pushed away by a toxic, overly negative, usually selfish emotional relationship.

    The more accepting and loving you are of yourself, the more energy you can spend on another person. And relationships are all about give and take. More often than not, you're restrained from giving love fully. Maybe you think your teeth are ugly so you don't smile. You may think you look gross you're timid in your interactions with other people, etc.

    Nobody is ugly. And that's the truth. The majority of people don't look like people on tv, hell the majority of people on the tv don't like people on tv. Confidence and love for yourself are incredibly attractive qualities in an individual. Plus, the more the love yourself, the more accepting you are of your faults, the more accepting you are of other people's faults. The more open you are, the more intimate and friendly you can be.

    So loving yourself, working on your self esteem is very important. And instrumental in having friends and lovers. The good news is that self esteem is a learned behavior and no matter how you're feeling now, you can change it. And that's really important to remember.

    Reach out to other people. And you'll find self esteem.
  5. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly why my relationships fail. I even remember asking myself this a couple of months ago, that and "how can i look after someone else when i cant look after myself?"
    Problem is I havent solved it yet, i do hate myself, and others, i have alot of hate and anger. Yet I feel numbness, I dont know what has happened to me, my feelings are either anger misery or nothing. This causes relationship problems clearly, that and my total lack of sex drive, I think im ranting now (in a bad spot at the moment) so ill shut up, but yeah. How I feel.
  6. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    Physically, it's those little imperfections everybody has, that make people beautiful.
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Without going into too much detail which I'm sure will be greatly appreciated, yes!
  8. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    I don't think you have love yourself, but more to be accepting of yourself for who/what you are.
  9. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    no, i believe it is important you understand yourself, but you dont have to have any emotional feelings towards youself for somone else to feel them for you.
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yes, i agree.
  11. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    The only way you can suffer through no emotional feelings toward yourself is if you're apathetic. Those that love apathetic people can't really "love" you because there's nothing to love. You'd be just an empty shell of a person. The other person's love would be like the love you have toward your favorite food or plant. I wouldn't call that love, I'd call that affection or sentiment. Not love.

    And if you dont' love yourself than you won't return love. And that means you're sort of a dick to the other person. :)
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    or the person could be suffering and be numb.

    i would still love someone if someone i loved didn't feel much towards themselves.
  13. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    i hate myself/question myself because of a lack of love and desire towards me from others

    i think i have to be loved in order to love myself

    then again i never have so i dont know what i'm talking about
  14. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    If you don't deserve to be loved then you shouldn't be loved. Why love yourself rather than accept this simple fact?
  15. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Everyone deserves to be loved :love:
  16. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    Maybe love is an expression of who you are? The fact that you think people should be loved is a statement about you and not about other people. The fact that I think many people are unlovable is an expression of who I am.

    Basically aren't people who ask "Why aren't I loved?" expressing the fact that they think they should be loved, or deserve to be loved? So they have to love themselves to that extent and are expressing that. Life is being unfair. Those people that know they are unlovable wouldn't ask such a question, because they already have the answer, and everything is how it's meant to be.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2009
  17. NotSureAnymore

    NotSureAnymore Well-Known Member

    I think with anyone.. having a common interest with someone is kind of like a release. There's no bigger comfort than having or knowing someone that's in the same personal hell as yourself, because that person knows what you're going through. As the saying goes, 2 wrongs don't make a right. But if they can help each other, than that's the great thing about it.

    I use to think that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. But that's not always the case. Some need to be shown that they can be loved by having that person love them and their flaws. And in turn it's "ok" to be who who you are with all the imperfections.
    But I'm all alone with my dog, so this is how I'm thinking right know.

    Had I read this question a month ago, I would've said yes, you need to be happy and you need to learn to love yourself before you can be happy and love someone else.

    It's weird how ones life changes and functions within a matter of days or months.. or minutes.
  18. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I've had problems in relationships with women who have had low self esteem. Also, women have not stuck around too long when I have had low self esteem (basically the last 20 years).

    So yes, I think it's important to feel good about yourself for the relationship to succeed.
  19. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I think it's possible to love someone who doesn't love themselves, it just makes the relationship a lot harder. It can be frustrating.
  20. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hache summed up pretty much how I feel, I mean I loved myself sort of once but still no meaningful relationships were in my life so sort of got the hint.
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