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Do you choose loneliness to avoid getting hurt?

IDontWantToDie

Well-Known Member
#1
I realised this morning that i might be actually creating and choosing my loneliness to avoid the hurt of rejection, the fear of not being enough, of being wrong and so on.
What are your thoughts on this? What do you do? Experiences and perspectives?
 

Gonz

👫❤️🙂💊🚑💀💔😥
#2
I can tell you for sure that, long term, you’re hurting yourself more than anyone else could.

Loneliness is insidious. We can handle it for a while, so we think it’s better than the immediacy of being hurt by someone else.

But it’s just like the frog in the pot of boiling water; we don’t notice it getting worse and worse and worse until it’s damn near killed us.

Taking the risk (over and over again, if need be) that people might reject or hurt you is better than the alternative.
 
#3
I realised this morning that i might be actually creating and choosing my loneliness to avoid the hurt of rejection, the fear of not being enough, of being wrong and so on.
What are your thoughts on this? What do you do? Experiences and perspectives?
Yep, can relate to this. I am not in a relationship and have no friends at all. This is at least partly by design. I have severe BPD and I can't cope when a relationship breaks down. Even fairly remote friendships... I cannot handle it if it falls apart. Good luck to you @IDontWantToDie!
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
I do avoid most socialising (a lot of that is to do with anxiety/past traumatic experiences though) and I find it very hard when meeting new people, its hard to go beyond the casual, usual starting conversations and atm I keep it like that to avoid getting hurt but some time ago I met someone IRL I really connected with straight away, we are close friends now, she gets my personality, I get hers, we have the best laughs, share everything. So in a way I don't think its accurate to say I ''choose'' loneliness to avoid getting hurt but boy, have I certainly done that in the past, I just choose very selectively, for me with not many social skills that is hard but I am doing the best I currently can and one thing I never give up on is hope. I hope to add on a few more friends for 2021.

Like @Gonz mentioned - take the risk, while it may be hard to do, you never will know what the outcome may be if you don't take that risk. Had I not taken that step to connect with my friend, I wouldn't have any.

I do wish you the best of luck in finding great friends and maybe even a relationship.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#6
For the most part, I choose it so as to not inevitably hurt others, rather than to avoid getting hurt myself. Although the reasons for which you have stated, do resonate. But everyone's different, of that there is no doubt. So, as others have mentioned, don't close off all avenues, leave open at least one window of opportunity for you to connect and break away from what loneliness can eventually do to you.
 

IDontWantToDie

Well-Known Member
#7
I can tell you for sure that, long term, you’re hurting yourself more than anyone else could.

Loneliness is insidious. We can handle it for a while, so we think it’s better than the immediacy of being hurt by someone else.

But it’s just like the frog in the pot of boiling water; we don’t notice it getting worse and worse and worse until it’s damn near killed us.

Taking the risk (over and over again, if need be) that people might reject or hurt you is better than the alternative.
Dam... good stuff
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#9
I realised this morning that i might be actually creating and choosing my loneliness to avoid the hurt of rejection, the fear of not being enough, of being wrong and so on.
What are your thoughts on this? What do you do? Experiences and perspectives?
I don't see loneliness as a choice, I see it as a type of existence that is very familiar to a person who has experienced abandonment at a young age. When you never learned how to attach yourself emotionally to people when you were young, later in life emotional attachments cause fear not joy. I suffer from this-or used to suffer. I tried to push against it for many years, forcing myself to "attach" to people, trying to get close to them. It all felt so fake and forced. I finally just said, to hell with it-I am who I am, take me or leave me. I have relationships now that are not particularly close-but the people who care about me accept me as I am.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#10
To me it also seems like hurting oneself "for no reason" unless it's really a lifestyle that makes you happy (staying alone). I personally cannot imagine not having the people I have in my life, and I'm not even prone to feeling lonely that much, I'm more likely to seek alone time actually. I understand the wish to isolate out of anxiety and/or depression (been there, still kinda there at times), I just find it counterproductive in the end. :(

No matter what you do in life, you're always at risk of doing it wrong or getting hurt, but then should you stop doing everything? stop living?
Trying will always come with its amount of disappointments and anxiety, but also with the good stuff, the positive feelings and experiences. It seems to me like the best thing is to learn to deal with the disappointments in a healthy way (not saying it's easy at all, but worth it) and to keep trying and growing and getting better at things.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#11
I'm sort of yes and no to this. I'll find myself reaching out on places like this (because it's safer than talking irl to people) because I feel so alone and for a little while it helps but then I'll find that it actually makes me feel more alone (not exactly sure why) and I'll end up retreating back into myself to hide from it - utterly convinced that nobody wants me around. And then once I've recovered a little from that, I'll be ok-ish for a while until the loneliness builds up again and, once again, I'll reach out in a never ending push-pull cycle that just drags me into the dark over and over again.

Not really sure how else to describe it. Not sure this really answered your question at all. Sorry if it doesn't.
 

IDontWantToDie

Well-Known Member
#12
I don't see loneliness as a choice, I see it as a type of existence that is very familiar to a person who has experienced abandonment at a young age. When you never learned how to attach yourself emotionally to people when you were young, later in life emotional attachments cause fear not joy. I suffer from this-or used to suffer. I tried to push against it for many years, forcing myself to "attach" to people, trying to get close to them. It all felt so fake and forced. I finally just said, to hell with it-I am who I am, take me or leave me. I have relationships now that are not particularly close-but the people who care about me accept me as I am.
Can relate. It does feel fake when im trying. Im also beginning to understanding the: take me or leave me thing.
Maybe it is more about being good enough for yourself. Losing the fear. As you lose the fear, you lose most of the heaviness and can be really you for once.
Probably.
 

IDontWantToDie

Well-Known Member
#13
I'm sort of yes and no to this. I'll find myself reaching out on places like this (because it's safer than talking irl to people) because I feel so alone and for a little while it helps but then I'll find that it actually makes me feel more alone (not exactly sure why) and I'll end up retreating back into myself to hide from it - utterly convinced that nobody wants me around. And then once I've recovered a little from that, I'll be ok-ish for a while until the loneliness builds up again and, once again, I'll reach out in a never ending push-pull cycle that just drags me into the dark over and over again.

Not really sure how else to describe it. Not sure this really answered your question at all. Sorry if it doesn't.
Its cool. I have the same thing. I just want to see how others deal with this and hear their thoughts. So far, super intrigued.
 

IDontWantToDie

Well-Known Member
#14
To me it also seems like hurting oneself "for no reason" unless it's really a lifestyle that makes you happy (staying alone). I personally cannot imagine not having the people I have in my life, and I'm not even prone to feeling lonely that much, I'm more likely to seek alone time actually. I understand the wish to isolate out of anxiety and/or depression (been there, still kinda there at times), I just find it counterproductive in the end. :(

No matter what you do in life, you're always at risk of doing it wrong or getting hurt, but then should you stop doing everything? stop living?
Trying will always come with its amount of disappointments and anxiety, but also with the good stuff, the positive feelings and experiences. It seems to me like the best thing is to learn to deal with the disappointments in a healthy way (not saying it's easy at all, but worth it) and to keep trying and growing and getting better at things.
I suppose we should let our soul go where it wants to. To stop living because of a fear of getting hurt is kind of stupid.
I will try to do small brave things every day, but not force it. And maybe start with... quitting hurting myself.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#15
I suppose we should let our soul go where it wants to. To stop living because of a fear of getting hurt is kind of stupid.
I will try to do small brave things every day, but not force it. And maybe start with... quitting hurting myself.
That sounds like a good and healthy mindset. :) Forcing things can lead to having unrealistic expectations and bigger disappointments, but doing nothing also leads to.... nothing. ^^

If we all stopped hurting ourselves, if we had a fraction of the compassion that we have for others, for ourselves, and if we used the advice we give to others... no one would be on this forum.
 

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