If so, then at least I'm not alone. God, I just wonder what is wrong with me sometimes, I just want to blow my brains out so bad--erase the mistake that the world somehow created. I'm really the best example of a meaningless and irrational universe.
yes pretty screwed!!! but im not going to let it win!!! i want my life back!!! i soooooo much want it back and how dare anything stop me. ive been like this for 6 years - many drs, meds, attempts and feel the grind of everyday hurting more and more. but i do see a way up through my hobby and if i can achieve in that i can be happy and settled. im not ready to throw in the gloves yet although i know im completely screwed.
I know for a fact I'm hopelessly screwed up. But that's through the good times and the bad.
I think I've graduated from being suicidal, to just having fits of absolute depression.
It might be pride I feel, but I certainly feel some positivity in knowing that I am not simply psychologically depressed. Whatever reason I am as fucked up as I am, it isn't some chemical downer. I really am a shitty human. I mean if you made a bell curve of what 'normal' people experience or accomplish in life, and I mean dead normal mundane as shit absolutely average mother fuckers, I would be skewed harshly into the realm of failure. If that isn't a reason to be depressed, then depression doesn't mean anything. I guess the next level is figuring out why I am such a fucking waste of humanity.
Yupp. Here I am going on 16 in 13 days and I can honestly say I've been messed up since I was a little kid.. Counseling after counseling.. People labeling me as "special" or claiming that I have certain issues. Bullied since I was 6 years old.. Loosing interest in life itself as well as most people. Oh the list goes on but who cares to hear from a teenager that most would think its just angst?
So I get it... and I can guarantee you are not alone!!!
Hang in there... us screw ups need to hang together and prove we have a place in this world... and who's to say its not the rest of the world who's screwed up for thinking other people to be the proverbial screw ups??!!
Hell yes I do. The worst is when I try to deal with it. I bloody ramble on for dear life it seems, feels like im unwraveling who I am. But hey, some people actually make me feel better and let me see that there is stuff outside of my own black holes, and that maybe I can have a life. Maybe the answers to healing yourself are no in directly looking at them, but in living through them and strengthening the parts of ourselves that crumble the easiest.
Yeah I think we all feel we are pretty srewed..I guess thats probably the biggest problem we all have, we can never to at the positive. And sometimes I ask myself, what is the meaning of life, when everything is negative and you cant find pleasure and joy in anything?
Yes I am socially screwed up.. I can't be part of this world..After all who wants a depressed skyzophreic for a friend.. Not to mention all the other problems I have..So I just exist in my own little world..