Do you ever want to feel worse?

#1
Hello,

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this:

Do you ever want to feel worse?

I sometimes do, and it confuses me. I feel like because I'm not completely devastated by the short comings of my life, I put up with a lot of pain and discomfort. I keep going in and out of depressive times. Each time it gets easier, I keep thinking that this is just another loop and it drains me. If it one day got bad enough, maybe I would be too exhausted to moralize myself away from suicide.

Right now I'm going down again, and I'm in some fucked up way excited about it. It seems so wrong to hope and be excited about that, but that is what I feel.
 

Court

You will only see me with a broken smile
SF Supporter
#2
Hello,

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this:

Do you ever want to feel worse?

I sometimes do, and it confuses me. I feel like because I'm not completely devastated by the short comings of my life, I put up with a lot of pain and discomfort. I keep going in and out of depressive times. Each time it gets easier, I keep thinking that this is just another loop and it drains me. If it one day got bad enough, maybe I would be too exhausted to moralize myself away from suicide.

Right now I'm going down again, and I'm in some fucked up way excited about it. It seems so wrong to hope and be excited about that, but that is what I feel.
I do yes because then I’ll be heard even though it will upset me more I wish to be heard so being worse would help
 

Inanimate

Well-Known Member
#3
No, but feeling worse did come with the slight advantage of finally being noticed, although the attention wasn’t necessarily convenient or helpful.

If anything, I wanted a breaking point. I wanted the motivation to take an irrevocable step towards peace and freedom regardless of what that entails. Feeling worse enough might be a means to that end, but I’ve given up hope.

In the past, I wanted to suffer because the sadness, as overwhelming as it was, was quite freeing, and I suppose I thought it would eventually push me to suicide, but I just inured myself to the pain in the end.

Does feeling worse offer you a glimpse of freedom that you wouldn’t get from just tolerating your sorrows to no end? Either way, I hope my monologue provided some insight.
 

Holding my breath

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#4
Hi @Geesenod ,

Most definitely relate, unfortunately. If it helps me to reach my goal and remove the logic so I can do something for myself without having the consideration of the impact on others my death would have, then I say I would like to get worse. I see it as a way of being able to take a break which I wouldn’t be able to get otherwise.
so no, I don’t think it’s crazy to feel that way. Getting worse removes the final barrier that is stopping you. You are not alone. X
 

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#7
I often feel worse than I think is appropriate because my mind is weak - probably most people would find their way up past what traps me. Feeling worse than that seems an unknown void.
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#9
I wouldn’t say I want to feel worse but I do want the hope that I might feel better to end. I know I don’t want to live in the place I am but there is a glimmer of hope that things could change and I would be a lot better off. If I knew for certain that wasn’t the case then the decision would be easy for me. My first choice would be for things to actually get better, my second choice would be to know they never will, the worse option, which is what I have, is that there is a very small chance that they will get better and that chance is just enough to point doubt in my mind. The agony is almost as much in not knowing as it is in suffering the present.
 

MAC0

Y.N.W.A
SF Supporter
#10
Sometimes if I am trying to avoid doing something I feel if this gets worse I have a excuse to not do the thing I was worried about if that makes sense because in part I get tired of pushing myself through my aniexty to do things and why not do the easy thing
 

Ziggy

Antiquitie's Friend
#11
I do yes because then I’ll be heard even though it will upset me more I wish to be heard so being worse would help
The experience of someone I knew in the past is that they wanted to get worse so that they got some attention and help. However those people wanted to see her get better, so if she had improved they may have been more encouraging and motivated to help her, but by failing to do so she felt like she just became a burden and everyone was like "oh, not her again, there's nothing we can do to help her". It was hard to know the truth of this she'd often say that her family didn't care but to me it appeared that they did. I guess people can get frustrated with you but that's probably because they do care.
 
#12
There are times when I am feeling worse than usual, and I see an opportunity to make myself and someone else feel much better, and I will intentionally spurn that opportunity on a whim, and Instantly regret it, but would do it again. It hasn't happened recently, mostly because I cannot possibly feel worse, and there are zero opportunities to feel better.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top