Do You Ever Wonder How Long You Can Hold On?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shermana55, Nov 3, 2013.

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  1. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    I wonder how long I can stick by this decision to keep holding on…..I wonder if it will pay off, or even be recognized in the end by you God, that I chose to stay here on earth despite the immeasurable suffering I face each and every grueling moment. I never wanted to admit that on paper, but I often rationalize in my head that maybe there’s a purpose for me staying, deciding not to quit this life, maybe it will pay off somehow. Maybe I’m meant to imprint someone’s life for the better, to save them, or maybe I need to suffer, maybe it’s all part of some equation I’m not even aware of. I mentally will myself to trust in You, but I feel like a million shattered pieces. I can’t even grasp a single thought that flows by. I’m just moving, yet everything within me is motionless. My heart beats, but my soul no longer lives. It’s quietly lying dormant, crushed beneath this pain, waiting for the moment it can finally be freed and joined to You. I wonder if I’ll always choose to stay, or if in a moment of weakness I will decide to say goodbye to this world in which I inhabit. Because I truly don’t WANT to belong here, which makes me think I DON’T belong here, but I do love you Lord, and I try to repeat to myself that my life does have meaning, you wouldn’t create me just to kill myself….or maybe that’s all part of the big picture, I wouldn’t want to cause anyone suffering though by ending my life, but Lord, would I cause them just the same amount of suffering by staying here? By allowing them to WATCH me slowly whither away? Is that just as painful? Maybe if I left, all the people that love me could finally heal and live their life to the fullest. I’m so conflicted.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun they would not heal they would carry your pain with them you would only pass on the pain you are feeling I do hope you reach out and get the help the support you deserve to help you heal
     
  3. Well, the way I see it, we all have a purpose in life. I leaarned that when God had helped me by getting me to tell my friend at the time, who'd went out of her way to help me- watched 2 hrs of youtube videos before sending them to me- knowing that I was suicidal. I then talked to a pastor, who'd told me about a song called "You Are More" by a band called Tenth Avenue North. If you would like to check it out, just go to the one where it looks like the person is crying, its a blue picture. I encourage you! <3 ya'll
     
  4. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear shermana,

    please know that I feel your sorrow and your pain.
    As you obviously are a Christian like me, I would like to reply with God's own Word.

    "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
    (Hebr. 12:2)

    Yes, let's try to persevere.
    Let's always look at Jesus, the perfect example.
    Let's embrace our crosses, "for the joy set before" us, namely to be with Jesus for ever.

    I will pray for you.
    Love, Maedchen. :redrose:
     
  5. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    Thank you for all your words. I mean it when I say, I think all of you changed my life, even if just for a moment, you gave me hope.
     
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