I wonder how long I can stick by this decision to keep holding on…..I wonder if it will pay off, or even be recognized in the end by you God, that I chose to stay here on earth despite the immeasurable suffering I face each and every grueling moment. I never wanted to admit that on paper, but I often rationalize in my head that maybe there’s a purpose for me staying, deciding not to quit this life, maybe it will pay off somehow. Maybe I’m meant to imprint someone’s life for the better, to save them, or maybe I need to suffer, maybe it’s all part of some equation I’m not even aware of. I mentally will myself to trust in You, but I feel like a million shattered pieces. I can’t even grasp a single thought that flows by. I’m just moving, yet everything within me is motionless. My heart beats, but my soul no longer lives. It’s quietly lying dormant, crushed beneath this pain, waiting for the moment it can finally be freed and joined to You. I wonder if I’ll always choose to stay, or if in a moment of weakness I will decide to say goodbye to this world in which I inhabit. Because I truly don’t WANT to belong here, which makes me think I DON’T belong here, but I do love you Lord, and I try to repeat to myself that my life does have meaning, you wouldn’t create me just to kill myself….or maybe that’s all part of the big picture, I wouldn’t want to cause anyone suffering though by ending my life, but Lord, would I cause them just the same amount of suffering by staying here? By allowing them to WATCH me slowly whither away? Is that just as painful? Maybe if I left, all the people that love me could finally heal and live their life to the fullest. I’m so conflicted.