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Do you ever wonder why your like you are?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jan 31, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Do you ever wonder what keeps you like you are? I mean if your depressed or your angry. If you have bipolar, scizoeffective, or another mental condition.. Doctors say its brain chemistry but for me even treatment didnt help much. I was allergic to most everything I tried and what I wasnt allergic to made me feel like jumping off a cliff. The only difference was my mind slowed down enough to the point I could stop myself from blurting out the truth.. For those of you who struggle every day. For those of you who never get rid of the bad feelings you feel..For those of you who feel like your stuck in some sort of bad independant movie that never ends..Do you wonder why your like that and why things dont change? Things never seem to improve much for me. Things get liveable as I calm down or as I learn ways to cope but nothing seems to change. Its like Im not alowed to have anything..As soon as Im happy (and I mean happy happpy happpy) something steals it away. Im always consumed with guilt, worry, anger, depression, sadness, ect, ect.. It even hinders my ability to love because Im afraid something will steal away the ones I love.. I love my dogs and I cant enjoy them as much as Id like because Im always worried about them..Your to skinny, you have a rash, you you you you you have this or that..blah..blah.. I have a son whos almost five and I cant even seem to fully enjoy him. I love him..sooo much. I didnt want children to tell the truth but I love him and cant feel otherwise about him. I get angry at his dad and tell him I should of had that abortion and other mean things (not in front of my kid though).. Its like I feel this urge to be mean before someones mean to me. Or this urge to protect myself by lieing outloud so it wont hurt as bad when its took away..Does that make sence?
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I think it's a combination of brain chemistry, personality, circumstance, and emotions. Things do change, but our core personality stays the same (as far as I know).
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I have wondered many times. I searched for answers and ways to change it. Finally, it came down to finding ways to live with it. Your post made perfect sense to me.

    Thanks for the posting.
  4. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    I think the main influence to what we become is what happened to us as children. I know I would be a totally different person today if my childhood was different.
    What if..I told my abusers to leave me alone and stood up for myself.
    God I was such a weak child.
    Yeah, I really believe ones childhood experiences mold that person for good or bad.
  5. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'd honestly love to know what made me the way I am. I have memories from before I even began nursery at the age of three of me having some form of anxiety. I never wore belly tops because I was too embarassed to show off my belly, I never wore my hair up because it made me look too girly, I had selective mutism up until I was half way through primary school, which was really difficult for me to handle given what other kids can be like.

    If you don't know what selective mutism is, this is a description of it.

    Apart from something in my biology, I can't see a single other causing factor for all this. I wasn't abused as a child, I had siblings I adored and parents who loved me. The only possible thing I can think of that may have for some reason caused it was my Dad leaving home sometime shortly before I began school. I don't really remember much of what I was like before that point.

    I liked your post though; I understand where you are coming from when you talk about being mean to someone before they can be mean to you. I'm like that with my ex-boyfriend. I know he's going to hit me with something (not physically) that'll hurt me even more than he already has, so I assume the worst, take it as the truth and then rage at him. I guess it's some kind of self-defence mechanism thing. :sad:
  6. Not much

    Not much Guest

    I do that do.
  7. Not much

    Not much Guest

    For me it school teasing and stuff after it. That is why I am what I am.
  8. TerrapinStation

    TerrapinStation Well-Known Member

    Half of it was a miserable abusive childhood and being fucked with at school (which abruptly stopped at 9th grade, no one wants to mess with the kid they buy their drugs from, so i was popular but it was fake popularity)
    and the other half slf-induced by substance abuse and just being around an inordinate amount of horrible things for someone my age, or any age.
    So, part environment, part self-induced w/drugs, part bad luck.
  9. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I think in this instance, there is no such thing as a weak child, only weak adults.
  10. TerrapinStation

    TerrapinStation Well-Known Member


    I suppose I will elaborate a bit on my childhood abuse experiences. My mother was/is a drunken pillhead (apparantly that runs in the family, lol), which in and of itself, to me, is not a bad thing. However, she couldn't hold her liquor (I can), and she constantly verbally abused me. Never physical, but she was very verbally and psychologically abusive. To set a scene..........I'm 8 or so, and on the drive home from going out to eat I said something that pissed her off, dont remeber what it was. In hindsight i shouldnt have said it, but she freaked way more than anyone should, and screamed at me the whole way home. When we got home, after we all got in the house, she slammed the door behind her, breaking the plate glass in the window on the door. She yells "Look what you made me do! you're gonna have to clean that up you little fuck!" and storms off, blessedly, to pass out.
    My father was a total pussy whipped bitch when it came to standing up to her, but at least he told me, go to your room, I'll clean it up.
    He tried to stand up to her on my behalf a few times but it was always halfhearted. Now she only drinks mildly and doesnt freak out as much.

    Much worse, I was about 6 or 7, and my parents found a male baysitter for me that they loved. Initially, I loved him too, he let me stay up late, play all the Nintendo or Commodore 64 or whatever was available at the time that I wanted, bought me shit here and there, cool guy.
    Till he molested me. Not full on rape but played with my cock, fingered my ass, tried to get me to do the same to him.. I wouldnt.
    I told my parents, and they chose to belive him over me, kept telling me it didnt happen, i must have imagined it, etc. They did, at least, get me a female babysitter as i did inform them that if i saw him again i would kill him. Evene at that age i was pretty handy with weapons.
  11. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    No adult has the right to abuse a child. When you're a child, you don't neccessarily realise that this is unacceptable behaviour, if its all you've known.
  12. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    For me, it's 100% circumstance. Moving to a new country aged 11, new language, having to familiarise. It sucks because it has been pretty hard.
  13. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    To an extent, I'm pretty sure the brain is hardwired for a lot of shit. What isn't hardwired at birth is hardwired during childhood. After that, it's harder to change.

    TerrapinStation: that's shit bro, I feel like going and smashing that babysitters nose in. Some people are truly fucked up and deserve to be in prison; he's one.
  14. TerrapinStation

    TerrapinStation Well-Known Member

    Prison would be too easy for him. My parents if course claim they only know his first name(how's that, huh? protecting the child molestor even to this day- SO like my parents...........anything to keep fron rocking the boat).........All i know is if I ever discover his full name and where he lives, he had better pray the cops find him first.
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