Do you ever wonder what keeps you like you are? I mean if your depressed or your angry. If you have bipolar, scizoeffective, or another mental condition.. Doctors say its brain chemistry but for me even treatment didnt help much. I was allergic to most everything I tried and what I wasnt allergic to made me feel like jumping off a cliff. The only difference was my mind slowed down enough to the point I could stop myself from blurting out the truth.. For those of you who struggle every day. For those of you who never get rid of the bad feelings you feel..For those of you who feel like your stuck in some sort of bad independant movie that never ends..Do you wonder why your like that and why things dont change? Things never seem to improve much for me. Things get liveable as I calm down or as I learn ways to cope but nothing seems to change. Its like Im not alowed to have anything..As soon as Im happy (and I mean happy happpy happpy) something steals it away. Im always consumed with guilt, worry, anger, depression, sadness, ect, ect.. It even hinders my ability to love because Im afraid something will steal away the ones I love.. I love my dogs and I cant enjoy them as much as Id like because Im always worried about them..Your to skinny, you have a rash, you you you you you have this or that..blah..blah.. I have a son whos almost five and I cant even seem to fully enjoy him. I love him..sooo much. I didnt want children to tell the truth but I love him and cant feel otherwise about him. I get angry at his dad and tell him I should of had that abortion and other mean things (not in front of my kid though).. Its like I feel this urge to be mean before someones mean to me. Or this urge to protect myself by lieing outloud so it wont hurt as bad when its took away..Does that make sence?