Do you feel like a person?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo_91, Sep 4, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I dont. I feel like Im too selfless, and have such an empty personality. Ive been like this for a while. Now that I think of it... my whole life Ive felt inferior to everyone around me. I dont try to win competitions, and if I somehow get myself into one, I just build up a battle then make myself lose just so I can make the other person feel better. When I say I feel selfless i mean that I just don't have a will to even strive for the top because I already know someone will just tear me down or make me feel like shit for no reason. Like what did I ever do wrong, that people just like to run their mouths. I swear Ive met so many people with the personality of having to put down others just to feel good about themselves. Why do those people have to exist? For so long now, I try to tell myself nothing matters and that I will be better off alone, but the truth is it does matter and Im just rotting away alone. I was reading on wiki about Schizoid Personality Disorder, and I like felt my heartbeat rise by how much I can relate to it. There is like two sides to me. The side I show, and the side inside. Overt and Covert. Why must I feel so different. Why do I look at things like a psycho. Is this really my fault. Ive been mean to people before but people put this hate inside of me. So what do they expect.

    Anyone else feel this way?
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Yes I too have felt that way very much so but now I feel like it less and less.

    You can write to me in PM whenever you would like or IM too. I am gonna send you a PM now but just wanted to reply here to let you know I care and to let you know to keep an eye out of my PM....sometimes I have a hard time with my words so I prefer to write in PM as I worry a lot about writing in the forums.

    HUgs Bambi
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No i don't think it is your fault but i think getting therapy will help you with your thoughts and behaviors. Maybe you could use some medication to the two together work better in bringing you closer to feeling more stable. I hoope you reach out to your doctor or therapist and let them know what is going on. Print this thread out and show them it and hopefully they will get you the help you need you deserve. Glad you came here for support to.
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    a little... i dont see things the way others do. i have some crazy thoughts. but im me... i got a personality but, meh. who needs one.
  5. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    no i dont feel like a person...i dont feel im normal,i feel im freak, worthless,inferior to everybody,no selfsteem & i hate myself...and im so like u & u r not alone...
    anyway, its not ur fault...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    with low or no self esteem or self worth, we use masks on the outside because we dont want others knowing what we are going through. i dont believe that is a Schizoid issue. many of us live in a dream world and sometimes it comes out in the real world.

    there is really no one that can change that feeling but yourself. unfortunitly, with depression, we begin to sink deeper into our dream world and the harder reality and any kind of hope becomes.
    in time we close every open door to reality. we are the only ones that control how we feel. we are also the only ones that feel that we CANT, or that nothing we do is good enough. we have to stop comparing ourselves to others.
    im 50, i have given up everything to change states at a friends invitation etc.
    i have nothing of value except this laptop and my mountain bike. i work at a very low paying job. now, there are plenty of reasons again that i could be tired of everything. however !! im slowly seeing the ligt of day. i rode the course, i have nothing, others have more. theres no point to it. etc. etc. etc.

    ive been there and felt that way for many years. but as usual, things are getting better ... slowly but surely.
    change the way you think and things will change with you .. not until then.
  7. BrianG

    BrianG Banned Member

    I am in too much pain right now to be anything other than a person :p
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can't say I don't feel like a person, but I can definitely say I feel that whatever person I am does not matter. Guess it isn't quite the same thing.
  9. Sort of... I sometimes wonder if I don't have serious wiring problems in my head, with the way I relate to people. Most people I don't care about at all, and I can interact with them fine... IF there is something to do, or something well defined as the topic at hand. If there is a lull in conversation, it'll stay there until someone else stops it.

    The ones I do look up to, I'm completely unable to act or speak around for fear they'll not like me. I don't even know what my "normal" personality is like. What is it like to just be yourself, instead of trying to guess what others would like to see and hear from you? I have tried unsuccessfully to fake not being clingy like this. There is no formula you can follow, you can only "be yourself". I don't know who that is or how to get him out. In fact, I don't think I care who he is. I just want him to be the person that the people *I* look up to, want to be around. It just seems so unlikely that whoever "myself" is would be the right person to be good company to the people that I like, which are rare to begin with.... This is a hard idea to articulate but I think you know what I mean.

    Where you and I differ - I'm monstrously competitive, and always out to do well, even in conversation. If there's a competition, I have to struggle to be civil, while it usually comes naturally to me. I guess I have really low self-esteem or an inferiority complex. I'm aching for chances to prove myself. I feel acutely every joke that falls flat, every second place "victory", every time - and this is the WORST - people give you that fake response or forced laughter. I know damn well why people do this, I do it all the time - I can't think of a single thing to say in response much of the time.

    On the other hand, I always go out of my way to do things for others. Not because I care, but because I know it's the "right" thing to do. And this is another easily noticed form of clingy-ness. People will tell when you are doing more than the average person would, and if you are always like this, they like you even less, because there is nothing to you.... I've tried to do LESS for others and more for myself, doing what I want to do.... that isn't who I am either. I can't find any balance and I'm scared that I'll be too far one way or the other. There isn't anything I want except to be liked, and to do well at everything I do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2009
  10. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    It depends, what does it feel like to be a person?
  11. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    your right man... I feel my door to reality is slowing closing. You seem like a wise guy, I get what you're saying but it's hard with the reality. Just the thought of me coming home from work and not talking to a single co-worker and then going home and spending my friday night alone, eating pizza and playing call of duty 4 on my xbox alone really sucks. Can you tell us about your life story, have you ever closed all the doors to reality id like to know what thats like sorta. where do you work? and how are you seeing the light of day?
  12. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Thats a good idea and i have been on medication before and counselling. It does not change the reality at all, it just helps ease it. My social worker stopped seeing me because one day she recommended i stay in the hospital again but I said no, and now she cut the contract deal or something. When I went to see a different therapist, she told me she can't help me if I don't explain my life, which is hard for me and she charged $20 an hour so I ditched that.

    Anyways thanks for the responses, I had this recurring thought in my head that my posts werent real and that my posts were all in my head.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    in short, i was a service advisor at a ford dealership in colorado. i moved out here in april of this year. i got layed off there and now work at walmart .... i have been " clean from drugs for 17 years and sober for 14 in dec.
    i lived with verbal and physical abuse from my parents since i can remember the first time i tried suicide was in the 7th grade. the second was a year ago july and the 3rd was in june of this year.
    things did wad up on me and i snapped. in truth, i shut the door on reality many years ago. i lived in a fantasy world ... in my quiet time .. waiting to fall asleep. i day dreamed of having freedom, money, things etc.
    it was the only way i could deal with what WAS.
    when i drank .. samething. i drank because i liked it. i lived for it.
    the doors closed to reality means that i evaded it, i drank, drugged and day dreamed. it was my escape. some ppl cut etc. thats what i did.
    things financially went sideways on me about 4 years ago.
    i dont have what i had in colorado .. i cant afford them. YET.

    i dont like the way things are right now, but what i learned from my 9 day stay in a physc ward was, nothing is gunna get better without YOU.
    i have a job. i have what means the most to me AT THIS POINT.
    money has been tight the last 2 months. tighter than a gnats ass spread across a door knob.

    i have made acouple good friends out here since april. my other laptop crashed and i finally paid that off the other day. my light is .. knowing that in the beginning of oct, that paycheck is all mine.
    it took some time, but im gettin there. then i can start moving forward to what i really want to do.
    i KNOW its gunna happen. its not an option.

    i still have my pity party days, but not as many and not as bad.
    its up to me to step out of the boat and come to grips and terms.

    the light is not freedom, but being in a better spot than i an now.

    thats a good feeling. it takes time. you have to make an effort
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