Do you feel the same? (may trigger???)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toopainfultolive, Sep 1, 2011.

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  1. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'm sick or in need of seeing a doctor (counselor, therapist, GP or whatever you call it). And I don't think seeing them or taking meds will help. Because I don't believe I'm sick mentally. It's a curse for me to be. It's a stigma here so bad you will be label as a crazy person. I fear being so and I'm also not convinced I am. I have never materialize my pain. It's all invisible and I have never spoken to anyone in detail about this. It's all hidden deep. So deep at times I forget. I know there's something wrong with me. I think my family do. I did tried to tell my mum before but it certainly seems more like monday blues or attention-seeking to her, something that will pass on before she knows it. If only she knows. I'm putting on a false front. Everything's okay and happy so she won't worried. They are in denial. I feel perhaps I'm the same too. Yet, I'm still ready to say I want to die. Anyone understand this feeling?
  2. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I understand.
    I don't feel there is anything mentally wrong with me but at the same time I feel like "why am I like this?"
    and yes, it's invisible with me too....people don't understand it..thinking it's just feeling blah and stuff.

    Is there anyone you can tell your feelings too? ...your true feelings or do you feel they just aren't/don't listen?
  3. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    They probably won't believe me unless I slash my wrists in front of them. I look awkward and all but I have managed to keep the lid on my feelings so no one really knows how deep and painful it is.

    I can't say I'm glad you feel the same. Just a little relief I'm not the only one since eveywhere I go (online), people keep telling me to seek medical help. And I'm not going to. I'm not yet convinced I need to. Besides, it can make things much worse. Though I honestly know I can't fix myself all alone.
  4. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    ya, it's hard and I don't know if it's exactly the same but many times I feel I'm a step ahead when they have tried to I know why they are saying what they say and doing what they are doing.
    people think I am happy and nothing upsets me and then I'm at home in the middle of the night wanting to kill myself.
    so I understand when you say you'd have to do something pretty severe to make people understand.
    still you are left with this feeling of wanting help right?
    I'm not sure what I can say other than I can relate.
  5. AprilB

    AprilB Member

    This is me but i can't explain it. I can't got to a doctor etc as i can't take the stigma of being bipolar, depressed of anything else that they may lable me with.
    I know somethings not right with me and i spend half my time thinking of ways to end it all without hurting everyone around me.

    Thing is i know i don't have a "bad time" of it most of the time but my downs outway my ups and my downs seem to get lower and lower.

    I've tried to speak to my husband but he doesn't understand and i can't expect him to understand if i don't understand myself.

    I'm empty i don't really feel anything but numb and i hate it.

    My friends all seem to think that i'm there shoulder, i wish i could tell them that i can't handle there hassles as well as my own.
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand that feeling too. :grouphug:
  7. kaykay1126

    kaykay1126 Member

    I get it too. I seen a counselor when I was in high school (maybe 7 years ago?) and all I did was cry and talk about why I was didn't really help me at all. There was no advice, no coping techniques. I stopped going and do not enjoy the idea of going back.

    I know what it feels like to have no one really understand. It is so much easier to alienate yourself in order to keep yourself somewhat sane...
  8. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Exactly, I know why they are saying so and so, asking me to try doing this and that. But I can't really relate myself to what they say. It's always the same words going around. I see where they are coming from and I do appreciate their help but I doubt they really get the gist of it. They haven't been thru what I am going thru and I certainly don't see myself doing anything severe, just to make them understand. Support will be a better word. Some support around the corner will help much more than "help" itself.
  9. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    You took the words out of my mouth. Except it's my mum instead. I can't explain myself either. There are too many issues with me, all piled into one heavy scar. I tried telling my mum but it's so hard to start talking that I don't expect her to fully understand. But to view it as something that will disappear on its own was certainly not something I expect. I have not brought up my problems with her ever since then.

    It's frightening when everyone thinks I'm okay but I'm not and I'm too numb to even struggle with this fact.
  10. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of a time back in school many years ago. It was my school teacher. I did the same, cry and try to talk. To this day, I'm still amazed at the fact she seems more interested in requesting (rather forcefully) that I turn up for school tomorrow than trying to work out my issues. She didn't even sent me for counseling. Didn't even try to understand why and I was practically pouring and crying my heart out while everyone gawk at me.

    Yea, you're spot on. Keeping to myself so I won't be hurt from the people I love. If only someone can understand me, instead of trying to send me to the hospital if they find out. That's exactly what I imagine my family will do to me. Honestly, I'll much rather be dead.
  11. AprilB

    AprilB Member

    It used to be my mum that i tried to explain myself too but i lost her 7 years ago.
  12. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Sry abt your loss. May she rest in peace.
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