I feel like I have really bad issues with letting things blow up in my head, and I can't stop them. It happens before I can even attempt to stop them. It ends up making me anxious and often disappointed when things (even small, daily things I might "dream" up) don't happen...a good example might be if I saw a cute guy in a class. My mind will start thinking about different ways or scenarios in which he could potentially ask me out, and it ends up making me a nervous wreck to the point that I think I subconsciously shut people out...like I'm worried they know what I'm thinking and that maybe, GASP, it might actually happen! I also tell myself that the chances of things happening are not likely...which also subconsciously makes me shut folks out. In recent years (ever since my grandparents died in 2006) I've found this problem has exacerbated itself to the point of affecting me even further as a person. It's weird...like, I used to dream when I was younger about being an actor on TV (not sure if it was actually because of interest in acting or because I thought life on TV looked better than real life), but I knew that was silly so I disregarded it. I was really fine and normal, and then my grandparents died...and it was like everything went out the window. I've never felt connected to the world since then...I feel like I'm an outsider looking in, and I can't figure out how to do things right...so in the process of trying to live, I do everything wrong. It's all anxiety...that's all it is, and I know it! And I really and truly do not give a fuck what anyone thinks about me...but it's like I have a guard up SO strong that it won't let me be that way. It's destroying my life... I can't enjoy college, and never have been able to...I never date guys because I won't let anything happen (as in, I decide they won't like me and back away)...and I feel like every decision I make, every word I say, every action is monitored by the people around me in my life...as though they'll judge me for choosing one lifestyle or career over another...and I just want to let it go! I think I initially became like this because I thought it would help me connect to the universe on some integral and transcendental level...and it just, hasn't. It's only pushed me further away from reality... I need to know that it's okay to just let myself live. That it's okay to not know what I want to do with my life. That it's okay to want the "normal" life (family, kids, etc...all the cliche stuff) while also wanting grander things (maybe a career in the art/entertainment industry). I need to just accept that as long as I take care of myself day by day and just LET LIFE HAPPEN...that things will be okay. They will turn out as they should. Ugh...does any of this even make sense?